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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Other peoples children /playdates and eating - grrrrr!!

52 replies

KenningtonKitty · 09/11/2006 19:33

My dd (age 4) has a weekly playdate with her best friend (age 4). Her friend is dropped after school and has tea with us but is a very fussy eater (I get the feeling she is used to using food as a way to get attention at home). Today my dd and ds (age 15 months) both finished all their food so had a small packet of sweets each after supper. But we have a rule in our house that if you don't eat your meal then you get nothing afterwards (my dd was a poor eater so we had to bring in food rules). Today my dd and ds (age 15 months) both finished all their food so had a small packet of sweets each after supper - but, having reminded her friend of the rule and given her plenty of opportunity to eat her tea, she ate nothing - so she wasn't allowed any sweets.

Just wondered what you think/what would you have done ?

OP posts:

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happybiggirl · 09/11/2006 19:34

Message withdrawn

Jimjams2 · 09/11/2006 19:35

I wouldn't have done that with a child's friend tbh (well you did ask!).

Tommy · 09/11/2006 19:36

wouldn't have given any of them sweets if the guest wasn't having them!

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 09/11/2006 19:37

I wouldn't have done it either - and if it was a playdate I'd almost certainly have let even my own children off eating everything on their plate.

Infact I've never insisted on their plates being finished - I don't think it's healthy (IMO) to expect a plate to be emptied. I sometimes don't want to eat everything on my plate - so why should they??

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/11/2006 19:37

Well, I dont give mine sweets, generally. Particularly after dinner.

HOWEVER...........

I wouldnt have mentioned the rule. If you were going to give sweets, give them to all.

coppertop · 09/11/2006 19:38

I would've either not mentioned the rule in the first place or kept the sweets back until the child went home.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/11/2006 19:39

I agree QOQ. As long as some has been eaten.

Quadrophenia · 09/11/2006 19:41

my SIl has real issues with food and swear alot of it comes from being forced to eat the lot

roisin · 09/11/2006 19:49

I would give your dds the sweets after the friend has gone home, especially if this is going to be a regular thing.

Sheraz · 09/11/2006 19:49

I would have let them all have sweeets, she is a guest. WOuldn't have benn hapy if my DS came home and told me that he couldn't have sweets but the others did.

Tommy · 09/11/2006 19:50

also have sympathy for the friend as DS1 is a dreadful eater and has the most appalling table manners
He hasn't been invited back for tea with anyone yet but I am dreading it

Jimjams2 · 09/11/2006 19:52

TBH I doubt the child is using food to get attention at home if she's dreadful eating outside the home as well. DS2 has real food issues at home- and is definitely without a doubt using it as a way to get attention, but outside the home he's pretty good about eating.

She may just be a fussy eater.

Original poster

KenningtonKitty · 09/11/2006 19:53

Just to be clear - I certainly don't force my children to clear their plates or put them under any pressue to do so - it just happens that today they both did.

I would also say that dd's friend was accepting of the house rules and didn't make a fuss - I think that when children (and adults for that matter who are often the worst offenders !) are visiting your home then your house rules apply - and no it isn't like Captain Von Trapp with his rules and whistle here - I just think children need boundaries !

And I also don't see why my children shouldn't have been rewarded with a few sweets just because the visitor was here (and we're talking about circa 8 smarties each here).

OP posts:

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 09/11/2006 19:56

actually thinking more about it - and knowing it was "only"(!?) 8 smarties each - I think it was grossly unfair - of course a 4yr old child isn't going to complain - but I bet she was upset!

Sheraz · 09/11/2006 19:56

i know but she's a guest. how would you feel if you went to friends for supper and they put loads on your plate, you couldn't eat it all. then out came a fab pudding and your host said, sorry you can't have any because you didn't eat all your dinner! humiliated, embarrassed?
Don't get stressed about it, we all have our ways of doing things!

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 09/11/2006 19:57

"I certainly don't force my children to clear their plates or put them under any pressue to do so -"

"But we have a rule in our house that if you don't eat your meal then you get nothing afterwards"

Sorry - but it sounds like me there is pressure to finish it - or else they'll get nothing afterwards!

maggiesmama · 09/11/2006 19:59

if my dd came home and said her frineds had been given sweeties, and she wasnt, i would be really upset because, from her point of veiw - someone who lives by a diff set of rules, and therefore doesnt immediately switch into someone elses house rules (presumably your kids dont immediately get used to you rrules immeduately, and as with any behaviour change, they take some time to get used to it, understand it and respond to it) - she would just feel excluded and that seems a pretty rotten way to make a child feel. sorry. i think if you really didnt want to give her sweets - if you felt it would undermine what you were doing with yours, then you should have waited til she had gone home.

also, i would just say from the responses on here, i would expect her mother to be a bit miffed, and maybe it would be a good idea to explain it to her next time you see her (ie - you raise it) so she understands what you were doing.

Sheraz · 09/11/2006 19:59

I think you could lighen up a bit when the kids have friends over, they might not want to come anymore. Playdate is supposed to be fun.

harpsichordcarrier · 09/11/2006 20:00

I think it's a ridiculous rule - because personally I think it is important to teach children to stop eating when they are hungry and these kind of rules work against that.
if you were going to giev out sweets after a meal, then fine but give them to all the children or none. especially if you think she already has eating issues - to single her out in this way was a very bad idea.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/11/2006 20:02

Agree again QOQ

Kitty - you asked what we would have done, we are telling you. Its not how many of us would have done it (so far). Were you looking for reassurance about your actions, or were you genuinely interested in other peoples way of dealing with it?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/11/2006 20:03

Stop eating when they are hungry? Surely not HC

HRHQueenOfQuotes · 09/11/2006 20:03

VVV - are you feeling ok??? I'm most concerned about - not only have you agreed with me twice - but twice in the same thread !

hulababy · 09/11/2006 20:04

I won't have stopped the guest from having sweets. I don't impose the same restrictions/"rules" on DD's friends (aged 4-5) as I do to my own child. I don't think it is my place to set food rules.

Have had a few of DD's friends round recently, especially since starting school. They all eat varying amounts and some very little. They all get offered dessert, same as DD though.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/11/2006 20:05

Actually, I'm rather more thinking that your PG hormones have affected/mellowed you

hulababy · 09/11/2006 20:08

I think if you are going to have this rule, especially witht he same child coming over regularly and who is a child with known food-related difficulties, then you should speak to the child's parents first about it. See what the mum thinks.

The little girl may not have said anything, but it is highly likely that it did bother her.

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