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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Other peoples children /playdates and eating - grrrrr!!

52 replies

KenningtonKitty · 09/11/2006 19:33

My dd (age 4) has a weekly playdate with her best friend (age 4). Her friend is dropped after school and has tea with us but is a very fussy eater (I get the feeling she is used to using food as a way to get attention at home). Today my dd and ds (age 15 months) both finished all their food so had a small packet of sweets each after supper. But we have a rule in our house that if you don't eat your meal then you get nothing afterwards (my dd was a poor eater so we had to bring in food rules). Today my dd and ds (age 15 months) both finished all their food so had a small packet of sweets each after supper - but, having reminded her friend of the rule and given her plenty of opportunity to eat her tea, she ate nothing - so she wasn't allowed any sweets.

Just wondered what you think/what would you have done ?

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maggiesmama · 09/11/2006 20:08

also, for what its worth, i dont use sweet food as a 'treat' or as a 'reward' for eating savoury. seems to me that it sets up ideas of good/wholesome food in opposition to 'naughty' food, and that yoou just give your child a weapon in the food/not eating is power thing. instead, i just consider all food tasty and that it has its place (in moderation) - and accept she doesnt like the taste of everything (she not down with cooked carrots, for example). does that make sense? if there isnt good and bad food, just food, it diffuses the 'i dont want brocolli, i want choc thing'. so my dd eats curry and broc and olives and fish blah blah. because she has no reason not to. seems to work for us.

goblinqueen · 09/11/2006 20:09

I think playdates should be fun and there should be times in life when rules are relaxed! Poor kid!

As a fat person who's chatted to lot of fat people I am not a fan of finishing all on the plate or using sweet food as a reward or something special. I've seen it be too destructive.

morningpaper · 09/11/2006 20:10

I don't give sweets out on playdates EVER - the last thing I need is someone else's child going crazy on E Numbers

hulababy · 09/11/2006 20:12

Have to admit that our deserts, for DD, do tend to be sweet stuff such as chocolate. But this isn't a bribe or anything. Just she has a bit of a sweet tooth and enjoys it. She has fruit at other times in addition. However DD is a very good eater, and will eat most things.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/11/2006 20:32

We have fruit or Yeo Valley/Little Rachels yoghurts after dinner. They get really excited by it too

I am soooooo going to suffer when they get older, arent i?

Original poster

KenningtonKitty · 09/11/2006 20:43

Oh dear - I am feeling bruised and battered - I think it was not thinking it through that got me into this mess in the first place - she wasn't eating anything at all so without thinking I told her that if she ate her tea (and knowing how fussy she is I had checked beforehand with her Mum that she liked what I had cooked) then they could all have a few sweets - but it backfired as she still ate nothing and my dd had cottoned on that she was getting sweets after tea. So I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'm now retreating with a large glass of white wine and my favorite read - The Idiots Guide to Parenting - Lesson learned for next time !

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Jimjams2 · 09/11/2006 20:44

cheers Im off to refill my glass.

(PS a tip- with a tricky eater- ALWAYS think though all possibilies beforehand. I frequently end up in a mess with ds2 - unless i think out a careful PLAN beforehand )

themoon66 · 09/11/2006 20:46

I would have suspended normal rules if little guest was round for tea. Given them all a pudding.

FrannyandZooey · 09/11/2006 20:51

Oh, it is easy to make a rule like this in haste and then back yourself into a corner, we have all done it

Better luck next time

and personally, I would advise not making any effort to coerce visiting children to eat anything other than what they chose to eat unless the parents have specifically asked you to, in future. I wouldn't be too happy to hear my ds had been pressured into eating something he didn't want to eat.

iota · 09/11/2006 20:54

my ds1 is famous for not eating at playdates - sometimes he announces that he won't be eating before he goes out

flack · 09/11/2006 20:57

KenningtonCat, fwiw, I would have done the same as you. Or I would have tried to time the playdate so that said child went home after "meal" but before I passed the usual sweets out as after tea pudding. I have done this several times with DS's mates, actually. I don't tell them the rule, I just time it so that they can have pudding (if any) when they get home.

better luck next time.

Zog · 09/11/2006 20:58

I have definitely relaxed about this kind of thing over the years. I want guests to feel comfortable in our home and want my kids to realise that there is a certain suspension of normal rules when a friend comes for tea. I'm not the visiting child's mother, so I have no vested interest in whether they eat all the food or not; as long as they eat something from the (pre-checked with Mum) meal and are not going home ravenous, that's fine.

MD, I love giving visiting kids sweets before sending them bouncing on their way

venusinfurs · 09/11/2006 20:58

Kennington, think you have to relax the house rules when there is a playdate. Sorry to say this, but seems a little bit mean to punish someone else's child. It isn;t your problem, when you think about it. I think might be better to just forget about the sweets for both or give to both...

Sheraz · 09/11/2006 21:00

Don't feel too bad Kk, none of us are perfect. If you'd have given her a fruit shoot then you would have been lined up and shot ( quickly leaves thread and hides under teh table)!

soapbox · 09/11/2006 21:01

I think it is up to the child's mother to enforce eating rules and to care about whether she eats or not. While she is in your house then I wouldn't bother about it at all - not your place.

I do feel rather sorry for the child tbh.

Original poster

KenningtonKitty · 09/11/2006 21:03

Thank you Flack - a lone voice !!

Having felt terribly mean have just called her Mum and explained what happened - she (thankfully !) said quite right that her dd must learn that adults mean it when they tell you things - her dd was perfectly happy when she went home and didn't even mention it !

Mind you she probably thinks I'm a complete nutter now

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Original poster

KenningtonKitty · 09/11/2006 21:04

Oh Sheraz - you mean I shouldn't have given them fruit shoots with their tea

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foxtrot · 09/11/2006 21:06

I think it was a mean thing to do to a guest, poor child.

maggiesmama · 09/11/2006 21:07

good for you for calling the mother KK. nice one.

Sheraz · 09/11/2006 21:08

Only the extra sugar ones KK!! More wine?

tigermoth · 09/11/2006 21:19

I see you backed yourself into a corner - it happens!

It probably didn't help that your own dd was a poor eater but HAD responded well to this food rule about sweets so it was easy to assume another poor eater child would respond well also.

A good thing about playdates IME is that it's an excuse to suspend normal rules because there are more children in your house. Sometimes you need to be more strict (like making certain rooms out of bounds to guests and children) and other times you need to be more lax (IME meals fall into this category).

Original poster

KenningtonKitty · 09/11/2006 21:20

Sheraz - The bottle is definitely half empty ! Have retreated to amazon to indulge in a little light christmas shopping !

OP posts:

tigermoth · 09/11/2006 21:21

good on you for calling the other mother - evern if she said it didn't matter I bet she was really touched by your call.

hatwoman · 09/11/2006 21:33

If I've got a treat of some sort for after tea when there are friends round I'll only attach conditions if I'm sure all the kids will meet them. eg when they've nearly finished and look like they're going to. Or I might give individual conditions - eg eating a couple more carrots, finishing the fish finger - depending on what looks likely/what's left over. I really would try to avoid ending up having some kids earning the treat and some not.

hatwoman · 09/11/2006 21:43

just read the thread and see it was one of those backing yourself into a corner situations. we've all done variations of that.

dh has just pointed out that he'd handle this differently for friends' children compared with children's friends iyswim. for friends' children that you know really well you feel much more in loco parentis, and treat them like your own. whereas your kids' friends are much more like guests.

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