My son is so unhappy at nursery - please help

[Lndnmummy]

Hello, please can one of you ladies offer me some advice, I am at my witts end with my son who is 3. A truly amazing, happy, confident and chatty child although "high spirited". He has had a hard time at nursery since he started last year, when he was 2.

Basically he is being permanatley told off and put on the chair. Often he gets told off for things that are not even him ie other children snatching toys off him yet he gets blamed. He is ignores in the mornings even though I have asked staff for more support as he is upset in the mornings. Always the same girls on their laps and when I asked if my son could also have a cuddle and some reassurance from them they said "he isnt a very cuddly person".

He feels left out now, says the teachers are always cross with him and that he never gets any stickers only the chair.

I am heartbroken for him, he tries so hard but they seem to scape goat him. It has knocked his confidence and he says things like "oh dear mummy, im a naughty boy at nursery".
We have repeatedly raised these issues but staff are very defensive there and even though a chat resultsnin temporary improvement we are soon back to where we started.

Please help me, am overreacting?

Thank you, i was up all night writing everything down. Yesterday he had been put on the chair for spitting his drink down his top. He was really upset as the other children had called him "the naughty boy".

Calling it a "naughty chair" at that age or using it for accidents is not on, ditto allowing other children to call one "the naughty boy". My kids have had other children go through phases of biting, hitting etc (and a bit themselves) and always it's very "X shouldn't have done that".

I sent my son to the wrong nursery. I walked in and he was sitting on a chair facing the wall :-( He never went back. Don't blame yourself, but do write to the manager stating why you are removing your child in a very clear and un-emotional way

Thank you everyone. No room for an au pair sadly but I have phoned some childminders that might be able to help. We never applied for a school nursery but as we live so close (just across the road) the lady said I might get a place. There are alot of ifs and buts but at least now we have taken action.
I am going to give him a break with his nan to look after him for a few weeks then hopefully he can start over somewhere else.
A friend is an educational psychologist and works with inclusion and diversity in London. She has offered to come with us to support us in our final meeting with the nursery on Tuesday which is lovely.

How do you know that he's being blamed for things he hasn't done though? Have you seen them happening? Or is he saying that? Or are you meaning that someone's snatched the toy, he's hit out and got blamed for that?

And is he wanting to sit on their laps and things like that? Because one of mine would have hated that, one would have done it if upset, but not wanted to most of the time and my third is in year 3 and still hugs "anyone who stands still long enough" according to his latest report.
My older two did not need the personal interaction to feel secure at a place, ds does.

I know that he is being blamed because I have witnessed it, other parents have witnessed it, I have seen it on cctv and a member of staff that has left has advised me.
Yes, he is an affectionate child that craves that sort off nurturing. The nursery knows this as I have repeatedly told them, written it on several feedback forms, and more recently my son is able to articulate to them, that he wants a cuddle.

Springtime mama,
I understand exactly! I sm sorry your son hs had this experience

What a poor little love, I'm so glad your removing him!!!

That is appalling treatment, I have worked in nurseries and with v difficult children and families but it's totally obvious from your posts that he'd respond better to BETTER care from them. It's them who have failed you and him! Please do complain!

I have no doubt he will blossom in a nurturing environment

We have just come back from a visit from a lovely little nursery close to where I work in the city. It is a small family co op. DS will start there in August.
It was very reassuring, The manager very calm and lovely. DS didnt want to leave he said "please mummy can we stay at this kind nursery" it made us all well up.

I will not return with ds to his previous nursery, but my dh and I will go in for a final meeting with them on Tuesday.
This visit has given me abit more hope. Thank you all for your support. Your united voice of reason helped me to feel strong enough to takr prompt action. I am v grateful.

I'm so happy for you, I really am. What a wonderful outcome. You've given me the courage to reassess my own childcare options for dd. I hope he really loves it there.

Brilliant news!!!! So pleased for you.

Thank you both! We have been so unhappy for months and now it is like we see clearly for the first time. We should have done this months ago.

That's great news. Sometimes you need an outsider to tell you what you already know. My boss was the one who really got me to see that DD needed to move nursery.

I'm so pleased for you all. I hope he'll be really happy in his new nursery. Make sure you give them hell at that last meeting. Write it all down and read it if you need to.

Well done OP.. Please don't feel guilty, you sound lovely and you've been trying to do the best for your ds. This nursery should be ashamed of their behaviour!
Wishing you and your family well and please update us on how it all goes xx

The power of mumsnet is trumy amazing. I posted last night so dstressed and confused. The fact that over 60 women all over the country unanimously said it was wrong really did guve me the confidnce to act on what I felt in my gut was wrong.

Thank you to everyone you are so lovely.

Feeling really anxious about meeting on Tuesday??

Don't feel anxious, remember that your worries are completely legitimate. Write everything down that you want to say so you know that you will come out at the end feeling that you got everything off your chest. You have done nothing wrong, it's them that should feel anxious. Good luck!

Thanks Lemon, you are right. I just feel so sad and angry. Poor ds said today "why are my teachers so cross with me mummy" and when i asked him to go and sit in his chair and wait for his breakfast he started crying and said "but mummy, why? I have not been naughty" he thought I was punishing him. It is sonsad

He won't remember it forever, he won't feel that way forever, especially now he'll have some time with his nan and then a new kind nursery. It'll be okay. You've done the right thing. The nursery he left sounds shocking.

Poor boy. It's a good thing I think that he will be home until August. It will let him find his confidence again. He'll get over it though, he'll forget about it soon enough