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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My son is so unhappy at nursery - please help

125 replies

Lndnmummy · 14/05/2015 18:03

Hello, please can one of you ladies offer me some advice, I am at my witts end with my son who is 3. A truly amazing, happy, confident and chatty child although "high spirited". He has had a hard time at nursery since he started last year, when he was 2.

Basically he is being permanatley told off and put on the chair. Often he gets told off for things that are not even him ie other children snatching toys off him yet he gets blamed. He is ignores in the mornings even though I have asked staff for more support as he is upset in the mornings. Always the same girls on their laps and when I asked if my son could also have a cuddle and some reassurance from them they said "he isnt a very cuddly person".

He feels left out now, says the teachers are always cross with him and that he never gets any stickers only the chair.

I am heartbroken for him, he tries so hard but they seem to scape goat him. It has knocked his confidence and he says things like "oh dear mummy, im a naughty boy at nursery".
We have repeatedly raised these issues but staff are very defensive there and even though a chat resultsnin temporary improvement we are soon back to where we started.

Please help me, am overreacting?

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Disastronaut · 14/05/2015 18:30

This is really crap behaviour on the nursery's part. The fact that you even suspect that his mixed race background has something to do with their attitude towards him, is worrying in itself.

You're right, they should be working with you, that would be good practice in this country too, but they're not.

It's not you or your son, it's them. Take him out as soon as possible.

hedgehogsdontbite · 14/05/2015 18:32

Working alongside a school/nursery is the right thing to do when they care and are making a sincere attempt to sort issues. You can't work along side them when they don't care. Your instincts (and your son) are telling you that this is not a happy place for your son, please listen to them.

hedgehogsdontbite · 14/05/2015 18:34

You haven't failed him. You were concerned, you've sought advice, and now you're going to take action and protect him.

formerdiva · 14/05/2015 18:35

You sound like a lovely mum and you're right to go with your instincts. Move him as soon as possible

Original poster

Lndnmummy · 14/05/2015 18:36

Thank you so much all of you. They made me cry this week because they blame him for things that he had no control over rather than help him.
My husband had a meeting with them this morning but this can not be resolved. I need my son to be nurtured and liked just like the others. If that is not there after all this time they will not grow to like him now.
I am so angry with us for not trusting my instinct, for towing the line and for going against every maternal bone in my body. AND I AM PAYING!!!!

OP posts:

girliefriend · 14/05/2015 18:36

Yes complain to OFSTED, not sure how it works but you can probably email them and attach the photos etc.

So relieved you are not sending him back.

Hopefully you can find a much happier environment for him now.

Coincidenceschmoincidence · 14/05/2015 18:44

Aw. Take him out, don't beat yourself up and move on to better things.

He'll bounce back, give him lots of cuddles and try and keep things consistent for him. You don't need to overcompensate, just resolve the situation and keep things normal to help him move on.

AlmaMartyr · 14/05/2015 18:49

Move him but don't blame yourself. You haven't failed him, it's a very hard position to be in. My son was desperately unhappy at nursery and I kept him in despite wanting to move him out. The nursery were outwardly quite supportive and I thought I was doing the right thing and not being one of 'those' parents. Luckily he was only there for a year and is now very settled at school. I've promised myself now that if I ever see either DC so unhappy again I'll move them, no question, but it was a very hard lesson. It's terribly easy to see from afar that moving is a good choice but when you're up against it every day it isn't that straightforward.

Send him somewhere else, give him lots of cuddles and forget about this place.

Jackiebrambles · 14/05/2015 18:54

This sounds like a terrible nursery.

Did they actually roll their eyes at your son whilst you were there? I find that really shocking. What's their ofsted rating??

Springtimemama · 14/05/2015 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Lndnmummy · 14/05/2015 19:04

Yes they roll their eyes at him and us. Both my husband and I have caught them doing this.
Thank you for being so supportive. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing as we were "working together". But we were not. I fear every nursery will be like this for him. I worry that he will always be an outsider, treated as naughty, and labelled a trouble maker. He is such a gentle sweet little soul and it kills me how he must be feeling in there every day. He looks perplexed and bewildered. If only I could turn back time.

OP posts:

Jackiebrambles · 14/05/2015 19:13

I'd definitely make a complaint. They sound awful!

Don't worry about him, a good nursery won't label a child so young!

Springtimemama · 14/05/2015 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTravellingLemon · 14/05/2015 19:33

My advice is when you have chosen your next nursery explain to them that he has not had a good introduction or experience this far and maybe ask for a prolonged settling in period. Our nursery did things like ask how DS likes to be comforted, can they pick him up? Are we ok with them cuddling him? They also asked us what are his favourite toys and tv shows and they had related activities on his first few days.

Pico2 · 14/05/2015 19:36

I promise that this isn't something you find in every nursery. DD's current nursery is inclusive in every way. All children are treated positively and the staff are both caring and professional. Good nurseries exist.

We moved DD to her current nursery because her previous one stopped being the right place for her. Our reasons weren't as strong as yours, but it turned out to be an excellent decision. She settled in really quickly because she was used to going to nursery.

If you suspect that racial stereotyping is playing a part in the way your DS is treated, then you need to move him before he becomes aware of this as you don't want these stereotypes to become part of his identity.

hedgehogsdontbite · 14/05/2015 19:39

Even if you son is a bit of hooligan he should still be treated kindly and with respect. My DS is a bit of naughty boy at nursery, he's a fearless climber who has to be watched like a hawk. But he loves his teachers and they obviously care for him too. I really feel for you and your son. I'd be heartbroken too, realising that those who are being paid to care for your baby are emotionally abusing him :(

Queazy · 14/05/2015 19:47

Oh please take him out - my heart goes out to your little man. It must be so hard for you too, and sounds a tricky situation. I hope you find somewhere your lo will be happy. I think it's important you move him before he starts thinking of himself as 'the naughty one' or as not deserving attention.

Littlefish · 14/05/2015 20:02

I would move him to another nursery. However, I would arrange an appointment at his new nursery after 2 weeks to discuss how he is settling in.

For whatever reason, the staff at his current nursery find his behaviour challenging and aren't dealing with it appropriately. Some of this "challenging behaviour" might continue at the new nursery, at least initially, so it's worth having regular conversations with them so that you genuinely can work together.

ShadowFire · 14/05/2015 20:10

They sound like a bad nursery. Working alongside a nursery to try and improve things is one of those things that will only work if both sides want things to improve, and it sounds like this nursery just isn't interested.

Original poster

Lndnmummy · 14/05/2015 20:24

Thank you all of you. Yes springtimemama I do work in central London. Littlefish that is excellent advice about regular review, thank you.

This is a heartbreaking and traumatic time for us, witnessing your child being rejected just hurts. He doesnt deserve this. Good nurseries have massive waiting lists where we live and I dont want to move him unless I am confident that it is a good place. My elderly MIL has agreed to come and stay with us to help. She will do wonders for his confidence. I love her for wanting to help us. Not ideal as she is elderley, ds will be stuck in a small flat etc. but his emotional needs will be met. He will be safe and loved. Then I am just praying that things get better.

OP posts:

post · 14/05/2015 20:27

I'd tell him why you're moving him, in an age appropriate, non fussy way too, op. Something like ' I want you to be somewhere kind, and you're kind too' or ' I think they thought you were naughty there, and I don't think you are', maybe?

so that he's clear it's not his fault, and that you saw what went on, so he doesn't carry it with him.

Lucy61 · 14/05/2015 20:35

Must be horrible for you both to go through this. I can't believe you waited a whole year. Poor boy! Get him out!

Pico2 · 14/05/2015 20:38

When we moved DD, we sold it to her as a move to "big girl nursery". Obviously this might not work if you can't get him into another nursery for a while.

Lucy61 · 14/05/2015 20:43

I've been through something similar op and the best advice I can give is to find out if your local schools have a nursery class and register him there. State nurseries are much better. If you need before and after school care, get a childminder to drop him off/ pick him up. Alternatively, find a good childminder to look after him for full days and take him to playgroups to socialise with bigger groups of chn. Don't bother with private nurseries.

Kennington · 14/05/2015 20:44

I am sorry for this. the comment regarding his background is abysmal.
I would move him and report them to ofsted.
However I would put things in writing too since they need to learn.
My daughter didn't like nursery occasionally but never to this extent. Good luck

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