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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

timeout for 8 month old with tantrums?

60 replies

KBlais · 20/04/2015 10:27

my 8 month old daughters behaviour is extremely volatile and i really need help and advice re a solution. i cannot leave her side without her having a meltdown - she will be playing happily on the floor without me but as soon as i get up to leave the room she starts screaming. its not crying it is actual screaming. its been happening for months and my mother and some friends with babies have said that this goes way beyond separation anxiety and that if i dont break the habit soon it could get worse as she gets older. im so worried. people have suggested putting her in the stay and play in our bedroom with some toys when she starts "kicking off" and leaving her there until she calms down, then giving her lots of cuddles and praise and bringing her back to play again and repeating the process until she associates the "bad" behaviour with no reward and the "good" behaviour with cuddles and praise. im desperate to break this cycle but im not sure if leaving her to scream is the answer? my stepfather and i tried something at his place when she started last week - we left her in her highchair with him whilst he tiled the bathroom. she was literally two feet from him, could see him and he talked to her the whole time so she wasnt alone...hes not a stranger to her and she wasnt in a strange place....she screamed for an hour straight, banging her highchair table with her fists...in the end we gave up as she was giving everyone a headache! im exhausted and alone and desperate to hear if anyone else has been through this and what they found worked. thanks so much!! xx

OP posts:

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Madratlady · 20/04/2015 10:41

She is 8 months, she isn't having a tantrum, it's separation anxiety. It's not bad behaviour, it's a phase she will outgrow when she realises mummy always comes back. She is far too young for time out, she won't understand why she has been left alone, it'd be cruel, and probably make her worse. I am all for time outs for toddlers/children who understand what's happening but 8 months is tiny still. It's a tough phase but it will pass!

Galvanized · 20/04/2015 10:44

It is separation anxiety. Not a tantrum! You'll know tantrums when you see her as a toddler. She will grow out of it. Meanwhile keep her near you. Can you get support from a good local HV?

HumphreyCobbler · 20/04/2015 10:44

she will grow out of this
don't put her in time out, she won't get it and personally I think it will make her worse. a baby this age has needs, not wants.

Pagwatch · 20/04/2015 10:45

Yes, she's simply too young.
She can't learn anything from this. It will simply distress her and probably make things much worse.
It's a really tiring stage when you spend your whole time within a few feet of them but it does pass.
Please, please don't try this. It's not going to work

RhinestoneCowgirl · 20/04/2015 10:49

She's baby, it is separation anxiety. Doesn't stop it being exhausting for you though!

She needs lots of reassurance and contact with you, it will pass and get better, promise.

BastardGoDarkly · 20/04/2015 10:49

no, you can't put a baby in time out, she has no idea what she's done, and doesn't have the capacity to learn anything from this.

Do you have a hv still?

RhinestoneCowgirl · 20/04/2015 10:50

I used to cook with my youngest in a sling on my back at this age, helped me get things done.

slightlyconfused85 · 20/04/2015 10:57

It is separation anxiety babies can't have tantrums. My 2.5 year old has only started to understand the concept of time out very recently. Carry her around in a sling or keep her with you in a bumbo. It will pass

SolomanDaisy · 20/04/2015 10:57

Umm, no, you can't put an eight month old in timeout. She's a baby, just give her what she wants, which is you.

LIG1979 · 20/04/2015 10:58

No - she is way too young to understand time our and as others say it sounds like separation anxiety.

I would put my little girl in timeout from around 18 months but if I am honest it was more to calm me down from the screaming for a couple of minutes rather than her understanding why she was in her cot. It was only after 2 that she got the idea of it.

Original poster

KBlais · 20/04/2015 10:58

thanks all - ive been told categorically by my mum and several friends that all have babies that it is NOT separation anxiety - its pure temper....as a first time mum im really lost as to what to do. its been going on since she was tiny (at yoga classes she would scream if i laid her down to even do a yoga pose over the top of her so our faces would be almost touching!) if it is separation anxiety is it supposed to go on for months and months like this? i went to the HV about it three months ago and they pointed me towards a high needs facebook group but that was it....

OP posts:

OhGood · 20/04/2015 10:59

It's v hard but will pass. I had same with DD. If it's separation anxiety leaving her alone as you suggest will make it worse in my experience anyway; lots of cuddles and closeness is what will fix it.

Galvanized · 20/04/2015 11:00

Ah yes she sounds High Needs. Google help for that. Do you think she has any food intolerances? Random I know but maybe she is actually uncomfortable.

CharlesRyder · 20/04/2015 11:05

If you try to 'break' her of this 'habit' by leaving her you risk, at worst, her developing an attachment disorder.

Have you tried having her in a sling as suggested above? Tough as it is I think you need to give her as much contact as she feels she needs at the moment. Your mum and friends have not parented YOUR baby. All babies are different.

OhGood · 20/04/2015 11:12

'pure temper'? Not sure an 8mo has that level of emotional range - that makes it sound like she's doing it TO you. She's not, and you really really have to believe that.

The difference between 'crying' and 'screaming' at this age is a bit random really - it's all just talking - it's your baby talking to you.

It does sound like classic separation anxiety, as everyone here has said. But - can you trust your own instincts on this? If you think there is something to be concerned about, book at appt with a GP and start there. Go back to HV too maybe. (And be prepared to keep going back and back and back.)

In fact if you are desperate, then you should do that anyway, to start talking to people about your concerns and about how YOU feel about things, as well as how your baby feels about things. You sound like yuo might be at the end of your tether - and for good reason, as it's exhausting.

But it's not helping either having everyone in your family and your friends act like this is your fault, or you are doing something wrong or letting your baby 'get away with it'. It's not true! She is tiny, you can't manage her behaviour yet - no-one can. Ignore them. You are her mum, you know best.

OhGood · 20/04/2015 11:13

Also

OutsSelf · 20/04/2015 11:15

She's screaming because she's distressed OP, comfort is what she needs. Ignore the people around you and listen to your baby. She knows what she needs, you listen and respond and you will be making her more secure. The 'bad habits' club are irrational, if babies can learn bad habits they can unlearn them just as easily. I 'gave into' my babies' every whim. They are both, sunny, well attached and don't really tantrum very much. They are confident without me but that's because every single time they needed me as teenies, I was there and they feel total trust that I will always will be

Original poster

KBlais · 20/04/2015 11:18

this is all so helpful - thank you. Galvanized it started before she started eating so i dont think its an intolerance to anything although it is worth looking in to...charlesryder yes ive tried slinging her (which is getting tougher as shes getting bigger and more "wriggly"!) she loves that and is totally happy when were glued together its just when i leave her that issues arise. and you are right about the fact that theyve not parented vi...thats a great perspective to look at - thanks. im just wondering how long i persevere with this - im not sure how much more i can take as it is crippling...we cannot make friends as her tempers scare the other babies so i spend so much time alone...i miss my smiley happy baby and having social time so much

OP posts:

Madratlady · 20/04/2015 11:29

Out of interest what sort of sling do you have (I've always carried my ds rather than using a pram/pushchair, he loves the snuggles)? And can you pop her on your back if you need to cook/hoover/whatever? My friend had a ds who was terribly anxious and sensitive, he spent most of his time in her arms or a sling but she found he became lots more confident when he learned to walk.

When you say her temper scares other babies, do you put her on the floor with them? Would she be ok if you held her?

Gamache · 20/04/2015 11:34

Ok I would ignore any suggestions that this is "temper", this is a young baby with needs and she's trying to tell you something.

Maybe she's in pain? Reflux maybe? Maybe she teethes badly? Or maybe she is just high needs and needs to be with you more than other babies.

If I were you I would try to change my thinking and attitude, just see it as a phase, it will pass and it's not her being bad it's just how she is, some babies are like this.

OutsSelf · 20/04/2015 11:38

Maybe have a look at your sling options -/mine didn't suit their baby slings for long. I still use the sling for my 2yr and occasionally 4 yr. We have an ergo and a woven wrap. If there's a sling library near by you could try a few options.

Sorry if this is a stupid question, but do you talk to your daughter about leaving the room before you go? And whether you're going to be one minute or ten? And who will be looking after her while you're gone? They really do understand a lot.

Also, instigate peekaboo games, it teaches her about going away and coming back. I know it's recommended for adopted DC and for those who've been bereaved as a way of reestablishing trust in the fact that caregivers come back.

sourpotato · 20/04/2015 11:41

I'm with the majority on this. I really think you need to ignore your mum/friends here - she is only 8 months old. My ds2 was similarly high-needs at that age, VERY attached to me and didn't want to be with anyone else/on his own. Yes, it lasted for months. He is 14 months old now and is gradually getting used to being apart from me for increasing lengths of time. Don't stress about it, just work on helping her feel as secure as possible.

OutsSelf · 20/04/2015 11:42

Really good advice Gamache, investigate possible pain?

parsnipbob · 20/04/2015 11:44

I was like this at 8 months so I'm told. I still haven't grown out of separation anxiety at the age of 25, sometimes it's personality!

Wavyblackhair · 20/04/2015 11:46

It's hard when they are so,clingy that you can't have a moment in peace to yourself. However, a baby doesn't have tantrums but of course can be distressed. Give a love and cuddles, not timeout! at the suggestion of timeout for a young infant. Frankly, your mother and her friends sound awfully ignorant . Trust your instinct and mn. Do not give her TO.

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