timeout for 8 month old with tantrums?

[KBlais]

my 8 month old daughters behaviour is extremely volatile and i really need help and advice re a solution. i cannot leave her side without her having a meltdown - she will be playing happily on the floor without me but as soon as i get up to leave the room she starts screaming. its not crying it is actual screaming. its been happening for months and my mother and some friends with babies have said that this goes way beyond separation anxiety and that if i dont break the habit soon it could get worse as she gets older. im so worried. people have suggested putting her in the stay and play in our bedroom with some toys when she starts "kicking off" and leaving her there until she calms down, then giving her lots of cuddles and praise and bringing her back to play again and repeating the process until she associates the "bad" behaviour with no reward and the "good" behaviour with cuddles and praise. im desperate to break this cycle but im not sure if leaving her to scream is the answer? my stepfather and i tried something at his place when she started last week - we left her in her highchair with him whilst he tiled the bathroom. she was literally two feet from him, could see him and he talked to her the whole time so she wasnt alone...hes not a stranger to her and she wasnt in a strange place....she screamed for an hour straight, banging her highchair table with her fists...in the end we gave up as she was giving everyone a headache! im exhausted and alone and desperate to hear if anyone else has been through this and what they found worked. thanks so much!! xx

If you put yourself in your dd shoes; she is developed enough to know how vital you are to ensuring she isn't hungry, uncomfortable etc. She isn't developed enough yet to have much concept of time or things happening out of her sight. When you leave, she doesn't know where you are, if you are coming back or when; you can see why this might be concerning for her! If you keep responding, coming back quickly enough and reassure her each time she will begin to understand and trust you will be back and be happier for longer. You need to continue to reassure her with your presence and she needs to develop a bit more but you will get there. Your friends may have more independent babies which makes it difficult for them to understand that some just are more clingy and need more support.

My DS was a high needs baby and had extreme separation anxiety. I couldn't put him in a car seat or leave him in his highchair or nip to the other room without him sweating, screaming, shaking and sobbing his heart out. I knew that was just who he was and instead of fighting to change his needs, I adapted my behaviour. He lived in the sling (I still carry him now and he's 3yrs 8 months), I played lots of peekaboo and hide n seek games, I experimented with explaining I was moving to the other side of the room, with a running commentary and then came straight back for huge cuddles. It took months before I tried leaving the room for brief seconds. Slowly slowly catchy monkey.

He's 3.8 now and he's still sensitive but he's confident, independent and getting more so every day. He's desperate to go to preschool. He might still prefer my lap and my arms to anything in the world, but he's been allowed space to grow.

At 8 months old, there's no way on God's green earth he could have coped with being forced to endure an hour away from me. He simply didn't know that me not being there wasn't permanent. They don't get it. You disappear and they think you're gone forever. They will learn eventually.

She isn't yet old enough to understand that you exist when you are out of her sight, let alone that you will come back to her.

I had a high needs baby like this and it is exhausting, claustrophobic and makes you feel inadequate around parents whose babies don't do it. I had a wonderful friend whose baby was the same age as DD1 but very laid back. Occasionally, when I was really struggling, she would take DD1 off for a short time to give me a break. DD1 would scream for the whole time and my friend would reassure her but stick it out for my benefit. It didn't teach DD1 anything. It just gave me some brief respite. Don't feel guilty if you need to do the same occasionally.

Don't let anyone push you into doing things that make you uncomfortable. 8 month old babies don't learn from time out or any other consequences. They just let us know when they are distressed. In order to develop normally, babies need someone to respond to that distress.

I hope things get better soon.

Thank you all so much for your sensitive and comprehensive responses! It's so so hard when you are isolated an doing this for the first time...it makes me feel so awful when people write responses like "ummm - no" - as if I'm supposed to come preprogrammed to know what to do! I use a Gemini carrier which is very comfy she's just a wriggly little girl. It's very reassuring to hear other mothers on here talk about their high needs babies as this was what my gp and HN suggests after seeing her behaviour. I am definitely not going to do the time out thing and will keep trying to reassure her with lots of love and cuddles! And yes, it is absolutely and utterly exhausting so thanks so much to the mums of high needs babies who took so much time to give me such comprehensive advice - I know you don't have a lot of time on your hands!!

Aw bless you op. Your instincts are utterly right and its a shame you are not getting RL support. It is utterly exhausting but she will come throgh it.

Keep her close to you as much as possible -. That's obviously what she needs. She is still so tiny at 8months and is programmed to just want you. My DD hated me leaving her side at that age an would scream even with grandparent she knew from birth. I ignored everyone who told me I was "spoiling her" and kept her close using slings alot. She is now a confident and very independent 2 year old. It was pretty intense to be needed to much but looking back now it was actually such a short period of time!

I was hoping the original poster meant 18 months but had missed out the 1 by accident. I am pleased to see she has been given some very good advice on here.

My little one has been literally glued to me for about the last 6 weeks now. Very unhappy to be put down. I've got a sling now to put him on my back when he needs it! Otherwise I was starting to feel frustrated and a bit trapped. But somehow, popping him on my back seems to work for both of us! I just need to work a bit more on my technique!!

"she screamed for an hour straight, banging her highchair table with her fists"

you left an 8 month old baby to cry for an hour?!

Surlycue not particularly constructive post there. The OP has admitted to struggling and asking for some advice which she received and responded to. What are you offering?

Hi, I feel your pain - I have a 10mo who is, bless him, a whinger and a screamer. He is hopefully coming through it but now whingey because he is desperate to be on the move. My older dd also screamed etc. I think she hated being a baby and wanted to do more than she was capable of. Both have short fuses. I actually find getting out more with ds is helping slightly. I have to ignore the looks when he kicks off and just stay calm. Also distract with food/ bits of paper, etc. It is sort of helping though he suffers badly with teething (he has 8 already) and has also had a few dietary issues and eczema etc which are hopefully bow under control. Good luck and hang in there.

Offering an expression of anger which might make her realise how insane that was.

Stitch, I was also looking for the 1 before the 8. And I wouldn't even bother with time out for 18mo!!

OP when she was crying and crying what did you want to do?did you instinctively want to go back to her but your stepdad stopped you? I think that kind if thing will just make her more worked up and mKe her more clingy not less.

What's she like with your dh? Is she clingy to you only?

It sounds like you've got lots of well meaning people round you demonising your dd. I'd hesitate to even use the phrase high needs. She's just a baby going through a clingy phase.

I'm not an attachment parent and I will leave ds to cry to get to sleep, or if I need to goto the loo or something.

I sympathise because my friends dd is like this (over 1 now). It's horrible when my friend goes to the loo for all of 1minute and her dd goes apeshit. Her ds was the same. She loved her sling just to get stuff done.

Please please ignore friends and family telling you about your baby. They don't know her like you do. Trust your instincts if you can. Keep her close, help her feel secure, stop trying to do daft things like yoga with her. Can you leave her with your dh and go to yoga on your own? Sounds like you need the break!

I think she gets that but it is really hard if her support network in RL all suggest that the baby needs one thing.

I can certianly reflect on things in hindsight and be glad I had MN.

@surlycue - not constructive at all, and slightlyconfised thanks for picking up on that too - if you read back my stepfather was right there with her the whole time tiling a bathroom, he was no more than two feet from her, could talk to her, see her, everything. He sent me into the garden to see if she would calm down without me there - he loves her and was trying his best....do you honestly think I would post here asking for advice if I wanted to be cruel to my baby?! People like you and comments like that can make people scared to ask advice and thus exacerbate issues - you should ease up on being so aggressive especially to new first time mums

RTFT Surly, OP is on the case and needed reassurance. Which she's been given, in useful and constructive ways for the most part. I think if the OP is obviously vulnerable and struggling, the sort of thing you posted could make her feel more overwhelmed and alienated - which is how that situation arose in the first place. So you are not doing the baby any favours because you're cultivating and adding to the ways that the OP came to doubt her instincts in the first place. Not helpful

X post OP, people sometimes don't think about whether their actions will genuinely help the situation they are concerned about

OP I think everyone around you is giving you a hard time - your baby who is clearly in the midst of separation anxiety, your friends who are trying to convince you it is naughtiness, and your family who are trying to help.

I think you need to just take it back to the one person who matters most - your baby - and do whatever they need to be content and happy. If that is being slung, sat on your knee, curled in your arms, then that is what they need.

You may find once she can communicate a bit better or can walk she may become less frustrated or clingy, but all you can do is keep her safe and calm.

Save the "leave in the cot" moments for when you are struggling, not to try and train her. If you need a few moments peace then her crying in her cot wont harm while you regroup or have a brew to try and calm down.

Hi, my ds was high needs! I also used a sling. As others have suggested get one that can go on your front or your back. Maybe Google sling library, and hire a few to try. See what your baby prefers.

My ds is a bit older now 1.5 years and happily plays for 30 mins or so alone, he will get up after his nap and come and find us (sometimes without any tears). We still co sleep, dh is at home with him but no longer puts him in a sling.

If you are happy slinging and being with baby all the time then just do it. You won't damage her. I like to see everything as a milestone, baby does it when he or she is ready, just like walking or talking.

Oh we baby signed too. He really took to it, now if we don't understand him he will try and use his hands to help us understand. It does make sense as baby's learn to wave and clap.

You could start immediately if you like the idea , we chose 5 signs - milk, bath, walk, cat, ball and used them all the time along with the word. It was great when he started doing it, he was far less frustrated. As he learnt them we added new ones. Some people thought it may stop him talking, err no, he talks and adds the sign!

It doesn't matter if you mix baby signs, American Sign Language and British sign language as long as you remember.

Sorry! One more point. We used 'back in a minute' if we were nipping out of the room. He now understands and doesn't stress out at that phrase. If we put him in (our bed) and 'be back in a minute' we can sometimes nip downstairs for 5 mins and come back to find him asleep. That has only started happening in the last month though.

He was a proper Velcro baby!

Good luck!

The thing is all babies are different. But it is not uncommon for parents (and non-parents) who have only experienced one 'type' of baby to assume the baby's behaviour is down to their parenting - sleeping through, eating everything, talking etc. Of course parenting has some affect, but a lot is just down to the 'type' of baby they have. OP you know your own baby, no one else knows her as well as you, so listen to other people's advice, consider it, then do what you think is correct.

@43percent this is all so helpful! Thank you! Am definitely going to try the signing I had been looking at that this evening!! @outsself I'm facepalming at how stupid some @people can be! Thanks for understanding and having my back!! @thinkivebeenhacked you're right - time to take a step back, chill out a bit and do what's right for the little one! Hopefully me relaxing will help her to relax a little more too....tomorrow is another day!!

@zennudist - when she screams blue murder for seemingly no reason (she's warm, clean, fed, dry and happily absorbed in playing with a toy) it is very hard not to be confused...I have to say im so exhausted that i really feel sad and just tired - thankfully I haven't felt anger or rage - honestly, which is something I'm so relieved about as I'm not sure how I'd feel about that (as in how I'd be able to look myself in the eye if I lost it with a tinyittle person who doesn't know any better!!) she absolutely loves her dad but if we're all sat together and he leaves the room no reaction - if I leave the room and she's left with him she screams which makes him feel like crap!

Op my dd used to scream with her dad too, always wailed when I left the room. At 2 and a half she adores her dad, as soon as he walks in she's cuddling him and wants him to do everything. Today I have been the recipient of 'back away mummy daddy's doing it' and 'where's daddy? I'm not talking to you!' My point is it passes, your dh shouldn't be upset she's just very attached to her mummy which is normal