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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Overbearing narcissistic 5 year old son-advice needed

62 replies

Bellejessleo · 09/02/2015 20:18

Hi, I'm just looking for some advice really. My ds is 5 and in reception at school. He has always been quite a demanding, spirited child..even from newborn. It's starting to dawn on me, mainly from him starting reception and me comparing him to his peers, that he's really controlling in every situation. He has to go first, be the best, everyone has to play 'his' games the way he wants. Doesn't seem to show genuine empathy or care for other peoples feelings. At home he is the same, and I really struggle to get him to consider his sister (2.9 years), or me or his dad. His behaviour is quite bad, he throws tantrums like a 2 year old. Crying and screaming etc.
I struggle to get him to do anything that he doesn't want to do. I'm feeling really sad, like I'm raising a little boy that just isn't very nice. I try and encourage him to be nice to people and respect things, but I'm feeling a bit lost and am worried he's actually abnormal?
Is it possible to be a narcissist at 5 years old? Because that is what he is! I'm overly worried about this because his uncle and gran are and I know it runs in families.

OP posts:

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Crusoe · 09/02/2015 20:19

Do you have anything nice to say about him?

Tiredemma · 09/02/2015 20:21

Please.

'Narcissist'??

he is 5 FFS.

Badly behaved perhaps but to give him a diagnosis of a Personality Disorder is just ridiculous.

Lazaretto · 09/02/2015 20:23

Children use behaviour to communicate. It's possible he is controlling due to other issues such as anxiety? What do his teachers say?

Original poster

Bellejessleo · 09/02/2015 20:27

Ridiculous maybe, but it's something I'm worried about! I'm not diagnosing him, just looking for advice on how to handle his behaviour because I'm worried it's going to cause him real problems in the future. Please don't post if you've nothing helpful to say 'crusoe'. Actually I don't have anything nice to say about him at the moment..because he's being a little shite!

OP posts:

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 09/02/2015 20:30

Speak to his teachers. If both you,and they, feel his behaviour is outside the norm the school may be able to refer to Ed psych, or you could via GP

Original poster

Bellejessleo · 09/02/2015 20:30

'Lazaretto' my husband has anxiety issues, and that has crossed my mind that ds's overly controlling behaviour something to do with this. Where do I go for help? His teacher is pretty unhelpful, he's in a class of 30 and he's had a supply teacher the past month due to her being off sick.

OP posts:

LIZS · 09/02/2015 20:31

Agree you need to talk to the teaching staff. They have a much wider experience of children of that age and while what you describe is extreme behaviour there may well be an underlying problem, other than a personality disorder , or it may fall within normal range. How is his hearing , sight, concentration, need for routine, fine/gross motor skills, early development etc.

RandomMess · 09/02/2015 20:32

Perhaps speak to the head if you think they are approachable?

Lazaretto · 09/02/2015 20:33

Also has he just started school this year? That can be tough on children. Perhaps he feels he lacks control at school and so exerts more at home ? Have you spoken to his teacher?

Seriouslyffs · 09/02/2015 20:34

Shame on you.
If nothing else you've brought him up so you should be looking very close to home.
There are lots of techniques and advice and plenty of mnetters could help you with books to read and sources of support but you should probably namechange and start a new thread- you'll get no sympathy with such a horrid attitude.

LIZS · 09/02/2015 20:34

School will have a special educational needs coordinator (senco)

CinnabarRed · 09/02/2015 20:35

I'd always understood that one of the diagnostic criteria for personality disorders is that the disordered behaviour continues from adolescence into adulthood - so a 5 year old can't, by definition, have NPD.

I agree with the advice to talk to his teacher as a first step. He might need a referral, he might be coping as best he can with his DF's anxiety, he might be highly strung himself, he might respond better to different (not better, just different) parenting techniques which you need to learn. But start by talking to his teacher.

Lazaretto · 09/02/2015 20:36

Ok..yes controlling behaviour in children is a strong sign of anxiety. You need to figure out what is making him anxious or of it is generalised anxiety? You could speak to your gp and get a referral to a child /ed psych. Also there are lots of good books/websites on how to help children with anxiety. It is not that unusual so don't worry too much. Best to attempt to help him now though as these things can get worse.

Lazaretto · 09/02/2015 20:38

I agree, maybe post on the SN board with a different approach. Many people will have experience of this.

TwoLeftSocks · 09/02/2015 20:41

It would definitely be worth having a chat with his teacher, even to see if his behaviour is the same at school as you're experiencing at home.

sanfairyanne · 09/02/2015 20:43

sorry you have had a hard time on here
i can see why you would jump to think 'narcissist' with his uncle and gm being diagnosed even though it is not v likely at his young age.

if you are worried about his behaviour then the sn board will be much kinder

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 09/02/2015 20:44

Not sure why the op is getting a flaming.
You sound very worried and like a good mum. I used to believe that of you did a+b the result would be c (c in this case c is a content happy child who everyone adores).

I think the child's basic personality matters a lot.
In your care he does sound quite anxious. See what the school can advise to help him. Very best of luck.

Original poster

Bellejessleo · 09/02/2015 20:45

I will speak to his teacher about my concerns. I have got all sorts of books, he actually responds very well to 123 magic. He's always been a high needs baby..colic, reflux. He is in a routine, has been from 3 months old..and we still cannot really waiver or he just has a meltdown. 'Serious' I'm not really looking for sympathy, just advice on where to go etc.
'Lizs' he has always been very capable physically, walked at 9 months, did everything early and seemed to grow up very fast. His speech and language are fine, hearing fine, he's struggling a little with reading. But his writing is very good. He's brilliant and obsessed with lego..he is very clever in my opinion, seems to have a very mechanical mind.

OP posts:

TheLondoner22 · 09/02/2015 20:48

The OP is asking for advice not a slating ......

"Seriouslyffs" - you should be questioning your attitude. I of course presume your children are all perfectly balanced, well rounded & amazingly good in every situation? Maybe you could offer the OP some of your excellent parenting skills

Lazaretto · 09/02/2015 20:49

I really wouldn't worry too much...5 year olds do tend to exert control if they can especially when they are under pressure for example being at school suddenly. Being intelligent can also make these issues worse.in terms of the anxiety. The SN board ell have advice. I know it's exhausting. I have a child who suffer from anxiety. Patience and regulating your own emotions is very important. Difficult but important. Good luck, there are lots of ways you can help him. He is still young enough to teach him more healthy coping mechanisms.

leeloo1 · 09/02/2015 20:54

I think people have been fairly unsympathetic, its hard when you feel your child is the worst behaved in a group - and especially worrying if you see family members with similar 'traits'.

Your son is still a very little boy though, so you have time to help him if you feel his behaviour needs changing. Children don't really 'get' empathy until they're 6 or so, so being selfish is fairly developmentally normal.

Also, the need to be first etc is normal - my ds is 6.5 now and until v recently counters would be flung/strops had if he didn't win at games, its hard, but we found talking about it beforehand would help - e.g. 'we will play a game if afterwards you can say well done to whoever wins and we'll say well done to you if you win.' It does pay off in the end. We also played (simplified) versions of games like Pop to the Shops where we could model good game playing with lots of little success/failures within the game 'oh well done you got a 6, you're nearly there, wow look you bought another food' 'oh no I only got a 1, I'm so disappointed, oh well, I hope I get at least a 3 next time! Its hard work, but it does pay off.

Also, praise anything and everything that he does that is working towards the behaviour you want. Pick a focus - e.g. sharing - ask him to give something that he doesn't much care for to his sister and then praise him to the hilt when he does 'ah you are such a kind big brother, thank you for sharing (big hug/kiss, whatever). dd say thank you to ds.' Keep going and he'll want to keep being kind etc to get the praise & attention and also you'll be used to noticing the positive things he does so you'll feel more kindly towards him as well, which'll make your relationship with him better.

Think of anything thats something he could deal with and instigate a sticker chart - 10 stickers and he gets a treat. Also, screen time can negatively impact on behaviour, so limit that if possible. Lastly, I'm sure you don't, but please don't compare him to dd, or let anyone else do it as it'll make his behaviour and relationship with her worse.

Good luck.

LIZS · 09/02/2015 20:55

It is possible that his apparent advanced intellect belies an emotional immaturity. He may simply not be able to match up to expectations demanded of him. The need for routine , structure and control would be typical.

GettingFiggyWithIt · 09/02/2015 20:59

more
I have a four year old who does have moments of being adorable but is also controlling of everything, stropping like mad and has a will of iron like her older sister. Have to be very careful with sanctions as both will happily hiss Fine! to anything and never back down. I ought to be impressed with their sheer bloody mindedness. In my youngest's case she is obv still struggling with birth of youngest and being 'usurped'...could this be the case with yours do you think?

Crusoe · 09/02/2015 20:59

Not intending to be harsh. I have a child with additional needs who can display challenging behaviour, be very defensive, rude, controlling and can't stand to win because he has low self esteem and anxiety caused by an attachment disorder.
I only asked the Op if she had anything positive to say about her son because there must be good things and when times are hard it really helps to remember those good traits.

Lazaretto · 09/02/2015 21:00

I completely agree with the comment about being advanced in terms of intellect can mask immaturity in terms of emotion. Anxiety is very difficult for a child to deal with. You can him though by being empathetic but also by getting advice as sometimes we can unwittingly make this issues worse.

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