Is dd an explosive inflexible child?

[Orangeanddemons]

She's 8. I discovered this term in one of my ever frequent desperate trawls about her behaviour on the internet.

She's always been difficult, from day 1. Wouldn't soothe or settle easily, wouldn't sit it a pram or car unless it was moving. Refused point blank to sleep anywhere except cot ( she must be the only child who has never napped in a push chair)

She can be lovely when she wants. But weekends lately have been awful. She gets frustrated so easily, then gets wound up, then goes into meltdown. Challenges and punishments seem to escalate and exacerbate things. She doesn't care about the sanctions. She can be really rude and objectionable, but then just explodes and gets hysterical when challenged.

When she calms down, she says she can't help it. Homework and music practice are a nightmare. She goes into meltdown at the first problem. Underneath it all, she is a lovely girl, but she just doesn't seem to care what people think of her. It's just so exhausting.

She's perfect at school they all say how lovely and mature she is

She also refuses to wear gloves or hats. Or knickers or socks at the weekend, or anything with buttons on.....

My DD1 was like yours as a baby with reflux in the mix as well. She can be charming and lovely but has meltdowns. In her case home is much better and school is where it all kicks off. She is in year 2 and things are improving since I got a referral to the child development centre. We are a long way off a diagnosis (or not) but school have sat up and listened to us about what she needs. Space and 'time out' are essential. A need for some control over her environment. I get the hats, gloves, itchy labels, even fussy hair dos.

She struggles to fall asleep and has sensory issues at school. She is easily distracted and blows up and seemingly trivial things. We are waiting for more assessment for sensory issues/ADD/ASD.

I understand how exhausting it is. We haven't even attempted music lessons. Homework has improved massively as now school are working with her rather than against her she is more confident with the work and happier. She is really bright but has no patience when things don't go right first time.

I am guessing you might have come across this term in the context of Ross Greene's book - "The Explosive Child"? It's very good and I really recommend it. You might also want to look into sensory processing problems - the book "The Out of Sync Child" is great. (I have an 8yo DS who has a primary diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder, and also has diagnoses of sensory processing disorder, anxiety, and pathalogical demand avoidance syndrome.)

I'm finding 'The Highly Sensitive Child' by Elaine Aron very helpful at the moment. Helps reframe how you think about the child, or it has for me anyway. Still part way through.

I've read the Highly Sensitive Child. She ticks all the boxes. But she's also wilful, persistent, demanding and argumentative too.....

I would go to your GP and request a referral to a paediatrician. It will take a while to come through.
In the meantime look at the special needs area here, and pick up some tips.

Is she all those things you call her - or can she so not cope with the demands placed on her that she seems like that?
Is she holding so much in at school that at home she explodes?

Some of it is related to demands but not all. She will explode with a few demands on her at the same time, but is ok with individual demands. I'm not sure she is holding it in at school, she loves school. We tend to get meltdowns at weekends rather than in the evenings.

She often refuses to go anywhere at the weekend. Point blank refusal. Then when sanctions or whatever are imposed she just goes into complete meltdown. Then she asks to be left alone to recover. But it makes weekends extra hard. She ran outside our house, screaming and screaming in the snow, refusing to come back inside. God knows what the neighbours think.

At weekends - it could be that she just wants to vegetate in order to recoop her energy.
If she is slightly introverted spending time with other people all the time will be exhausting, similarly if it is demand avoidance or whatever. Then at the weekend she knows she just needs to recharge.
Unfortunately as she is part of a family, the rest of you want to "do things". This leads to overload and she explodes.
Exploding may even be a recharge mechanism for her.

On the other hand it could be the change to weekend routine compared to week day one. Or the kind of things you do at weekends. Or getting up later. Or ...

If punishments don't work, then stop them! Seriously they can be a waste of time and effort. Instead use that effort on your behalf to try to avoid the situations. Do try the Explosive child, and other alternative strategies. Do also consider what is really important.

good luck, and don't worry what the neighbours think.