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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Tomboyish behaviour

16 replies

lizabet · 18/10/2006 15:05

I am having a bit of bother with DD aged 6. She's never been a girly girl, never played with dolls which has never bothered me. But recently she has started refusing to wear dresses or skirts or anything remotely feminine. She wants her hair cut short and says she wants to be a boy. Last night she cried cos she said she didn't want to be a girl anymore and told me her name was Michael.
Should i play along? What should i do? She is the eldest of 5 (she has 4 younger brothers)

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fortyplus · 18/10/2006 15:59

I badly wanted to be a boy - I was called Tim. I had my hair really short and was incredibly flattered if anyone asked whether I was a girl or a boy. I played with cars or toy horses - or my brother's Action Man. Didn't like dolls at all - let one of my friends cut their hair off.
Around the age of 10 I somehow picked up on sex change operations and told all my friends I was going to have one when I grew up.
I'm happily married with 2 kids - had lots of boyfriends before meeting dh - can see that other women are attractive but have never felt anything remotely sexual about them. Lust after nice male bodies at the swimming pool - don't give the girls a 2nd look.
I'd be VERY grateful that you haven't got one of those pink fluffy frilly girls - YUK!
Hope that's reassuring

franca70 · 18/10/2006 16:30

Has anything happened between her and her friends, maybe? or do you think it's some kind of competition with her brothers?
I was a bit of a tomboy (though I also liked to play with dolls) and I used to be very proud of being brave, skateboarding, climbing trees etc.
I wouldn't worry, if she wants her hair cut, why not, I think that girls try to conform a bit too much in these days.
But yes, I'd ask her if everything is all right with her friends.

paddyclamp · 18/10/2006 16:31

I'd let her wear what she wants i guess. Maybe she's not comfortable playing and climbing in dresses and skirts. It always bugs me when you see little girls playing in the park dressed like a fairy off a Christmas tree - not practical!

Maybe she just said what she did to shock you? Could she be feeling left out being the only one?

Original poster

lizabet · 18/10/2006 16:40

She does get quite jealous of her brothers, even though we try and make her feel special for being the only one. We had a big row on Sunday when she refused to wear a dress or skirt for my neice's christening. She kicked up such a fuss saying i never made DS's wear skirts!

When she was a bit younger she insisted she wanted to wee standing up !! (we were training DS 2 at the time). I thought she'd got over it but then when i asked her the other day what she wanted from santa claus she said "a willy"

Good to hear you turned out ok forty plus. I'm wondering whether to mention it to the health visitor?

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fortyplus · 18/10/2006 17:39

It won't do any harm to ask advice, but if you've got a friendly school nurse she's probably the one to ask. HVs are great but so much of their work involves mums & babies that yours probably won't be much help with something like this.
Probably your dd is going thru a 'phase' which includes asserting her wishes/testing you. I certainly never had a problem with my friends - they were all quite amused I think - and happily joined in 'sex change operation' games in the playground. I dare say nowadays I'd either be sent for counselling or reported to social services!

fortyplus · 18/10/2006 17:42

ps when my ds2 was 5 he went through a phase of wanting to be a girl - always used to dress up as a fairy and wrote in his phonics book when they were doing -ish 'I wish I was a fairy'. He asked for a Barbie when he was 2 - I gave him one. He's now very embarrassed about it and is starting to show an interest in girls.

fennel · 18/10/2006 17:45

She sounds great to me! I would let her wear what she liked but maybe talk to her about what she thinks would be better about being a boy. for example is it the sort of toys, or the clothes, or something more?

my sister wanted to be a boy at that age, she had a phase of only wearing trousers and saying she wanted to be a boy. it passed.

I have 3 girls and they are not very pink and fluffy, I like tough little girls

children's literature has lots of girls who want to be boys. George in the Famous 5 is an obvious one. I'm sure there are some for younger girls too. she might enjoy those stories.

SCARErenity · 18/10/2006 17:48

I wanted a willy at her age, I used to wee all over the floor trying to do it standing up. I do feel sorry for my Mum

mumfor1standfinaltime · 18/10/2006 17:50

My sister was exactly the same at this age, she had her hair cut short too and played 'boys games'etc.
I wouldn't worry.
My sis is now 22 with a ds and dd of her own, and she is now worrying about her ds (4) as he likes to carry a pink bag and his fave toy is 'sabrina' the doll lol!

fortyplus · 18/10/2006 17:59

This has also made me think of another friend (happily married 3 kids) who says she used to slouch along jangling coins in her pocket because 'that's what boys do'. And if we're honest, haven't we all at least wondered what it would be like to have a willy? I have no desire whatsoever to be a man, but I'd love to spend a day as one just to see!

paddyclamp · 19/10/2006 12:34

Does she feel she's missing out on things her brothers do that interest her eg kicking a football about with daddy? It could be that she lives in a house full of men. Does she get to spend much time with other girls apart from at school?

Original poster

lizabet · 20/10/2006 13:38

Thanks for the advice everyone. I spoke to her last night and she accused me of loving the boys more. I'm gutted

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fortyplus · 20/10/2006 17:18

Funny that. I spent most of my life really believing that my parents preferred my brother. As an adult I can now see that they just used to 'baby' him - he's 3 years younger than me. In fact I now suspect that I was my Dad's favourite all along.
But looking positive, at least now you know what's behind her behaviour - you need to have some 'Special girls-only days' with her - let her choose an activity that the 2 of you can do together. Maybe take her clothes shopping - you can choose a dress or skirt and let her choose an outfit. Don't frown if it's trousers, though! LOL

Original poster

lizabet · 20/10/2006 21:42

That sounds like good advice. Thinking about it it is hypocritical of me to expect her to dress all girly when i live in jeans so i'm going to take the pressure off her clothes wise. I'll take her to the park so she can climb trees and run about, get dirty all she wants.

By the way she is her dad's fave!!!

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fortyplus · 20/10/2006 22:25

Brilliant! And tip your dh off to give her lots of 'daddy's best girl' chat when they're on their own.
They're such sensitive little flowers, aren't they? I can understand why you feel so upset by what she said, but you need to give yourself credit for the fact that she was brave enough to tell you, even though she might have been dreading you telling her that yes, you do prefer boys.
Now that her feelings are out in the open and you're not worried that she's transsexual or gay you'll find it much easier to address her concerns.
And in case anyone else is reading this and thinks I'm homophobic in any way, I'll just add that I'm definitely NOT but that I've had enough gay friends & colleagues over the years to know that it can be a hard life and I'm definitely hoping that mine will be heterosexual.

Labradora · 22/10/2006 09:56

My 5 year old daughter is vehemently tomboyish to the extent that she will only wear boys trunks in the swimming pool and boys uniform at school. So what? What is feminine anyway? I think it is really important not to draw attention to it by taking her to see dr etc. Far more important to show that you value her positive characteristics, which have nothing to do with what we wear. I'm currently in the process of selecting schools for when we relocate and one of my key criteria is to ask whether they would allow girls to dress in oby uniform etc. Any school that requires girls to distinguish themselves by wearing Victorian notions of feminine clothing (ie skirts and dresses) rules itself out in my book.

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