DD is a bright, funny, confident little girl who is also, at times, a complete nightmare. I know this isn't unusual, but increasingly I worry about the extent and frequency of her tantrums, and just don't know what to do.
This morning's episode began when she said 'I wish I could watch something before school' and I said 'Sorry honey, no, you know we never watch TV before school as there's not enough time.' So it's not as though I was saying no to something she usually has, and she must have known what my answer would be. This was followed initially by stropping, calling her brother names, refusing to get dressed, etc, and escalated to stomping off, shouting, hitting, then screaming. I asked her to stop, then eventually if there was something else wrong, what I could do to cheer her up, etc. All to no avail, it simply increased her rage. This follows last night's epic rage-fest which at least had a more understandable trigger - her homework, which she can easily do but just didn't want to, and she became crosser and stroppier, then physically violent - pushing and hitting me. At that point I'm afraid I grabbed her arm and shook her quite hard, which I am absolutely not proud of. I don't hit her but I do occasionally find myself shaking her - not making excuses but I can remain calm through all the shouting, screaming, rude and unkind comments, slamming doors, throwing things at me - but occasionally, and it's not every time by any means, when she physically attacks me I find myself retaliating. She is tall for her age, and strong, and when she hits me or punches me it actually hurts. (For those who are thinking 'Don't try and do homework with a 6-year-old in the evening' - you're right, but she has reacted the same way when we've done it on a Sunday morning, so the time of day isn't really the problem.)
Anyway, I just don't know what to do (a) about the tantrums (b) about her physical attacks and (c) about making sure I never grab her or shake her myself. I'm well aware that I can't very well tell her she must never hit, kick, punch, etc me if I grab her back. But the triggers are so unpredictable or seem so ridiculously minor - or often there doesn't even seem to be one at all, she just switches from sweet and gentle to furious and violent. She's happy at school as far as I know, occasionally a bit jealous of her younger brother who is, unfortunately for her, at optimum cute age (just about to turn 2), but while that isn't entirely irrelevant, it is in no way the whole story - she has always been like this, easily angered, raging and furious over the smallest things. We used to think it was just the terrible twos, threes, fours... but it's clearly part of her personality and as well as finding it very hard to cope with, I also wish we could help her to manage her anger, because it can't be very good for her or make her feel good about herself.
I should add that much of the time she is lovely - kind, sweet, funny, clever, and overall I think both I and DH have a good relationship with her. We are also conscious of praising the good whenever we can and telling her we're proud of her (re school, her brilliant drawings, playing nicely with her brother, calm days, the way she's kind to others, etc etc). There are lots of cuddles and giggles and I love yous from both sides... but it's just this temper. I genuinely fear for the future when she is 14 (or 13, or 15, 16, etc) and taller and stronger than me (I am 5'2" and she is going to be tall like her dad - she's already nearly up to my shoulder). Will she still be thumping me? And she'll be storming out of the house and I won't be able to stop her... At the moment all I can see is things escalating as she grows, and I don't know what to do...