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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Ds is convinced that he (or dd or I) is going to get cancer and die

12 replies

foxinsocks · 12/10/2006 21:58

following the death of our lovely neighbour who was only 51 and quite close to the children. Had the funeral last week and the children didn't go but I did take ds to the wake (which was really a jolly affair).

I have told him you can't catch cancer like you catch a cold but because I can't explain why some people get cancer and others don't, he's fixated on that point and he threw up on Tuesday night, was shivering by my side and when I asked him what was wrong, he said he was worried he had cancer and was going to die .

Can anyone think of a better way of explaining it - or should I just keep on reassuring him?

OP posts:

kandi · 12/10/2006 22:04

Ahh, bless him. I'm sorry I havne't got a clue what you can say except what you're doing, just reassuring him. Cancer is really scary, my nan died this year from cancer at the age of 82 and it shook me up. Hopefully, he'll stop thinking about it soon xxx

CristinaTheAstonishing · 12/10/2006 22:05

Oh, poor little mite, it's really affected him. Keep reassuring him that he's healthy and well. How old is he?

Original poster

foxinsocks · 12/10/2006 22:05

thanks for your kind words kandi. Sorry to hear about your nan - it is a horrible illness. Yes, hopefully this is all happening only because it is so fresh in his mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

foxinsocks · 12/10/2006 22:06

he's 4, soon to be 5. He's just started reception, dh was away for weeks (when all this happened) - so I think he's had a pretty emotional time of it recently poor lad.

OP posts:

Blu · 12/10/2006 22:12

Oh, that's so sad.

Is there anyone you know who has survived cancer? I am quite matter of fact about death with DS, and have told him quite clearly that we will all die, it's just something that happens at the end of life - could you tell him that sometimes people get cancer and that is what causes them to die, others get better...and die much later when it is time for them to do so?

Is there some particular image that has stuck in his mind that has frightened him? I don't know how old your ds is fox, but he sounds about 4-6, and hijhly imaginative and sensitive. I think they DO get very affected by this sort of thing...and maybe need to go through the fear and then assimilate it - with lots of sensitive support from you.

Blu · 12/10/2006 22:15

FiS - x posted - my DS, then 4, reacted very much like this when dp had an operation just before he started school. Lots of very 'close to the surface' emotional behaviour, inclluding a very untypical outbreak of toilet problems. He gradually got through it when he saw things were 'normal'around him. Qiute often I talk to DS about these things in terms of what his stufffed animals are thinking...he tells me who is feeling sad and why...it's often very revealing.

Blu · 12/10/2006 22:17

FiS - they also get a big testosterone surge which triggers growth at this age, and seems to make their emotions very vivid.

Original poster

foxinsocks · 12/10/2006 22:20

oh that's really interesting Blu. He has a puppet fox who was trying to talk to me today. We do know another lady on our street with breast cancer but I haven't seen her around recently (and fear the worst so haven't mentioned her!).

He is a sensitive boy at the best of times - I think you are right about things starting to become normal. Dh has only just got back and the neighbour's daughter (who we could hear crying every night through the wall ) has just gone back to work and is feeling a bit stronger so maybe, with lots of cuddles and a bit more time, ds will start to feel better.

OP posts:

Blu · 12/10/2006 22:36

he's been through a huge amount - it must have been very haunting being able to hear the poor daughter. And he must have felt both vulnerable and protective of you with your DH away...he will settle down, I think this is quite normal. Marina is very re-assuring on the emotional peaks of boys this age.

EliBoo · 12/10/2006 22:40

Oh foxy, poor love...I remember going through a phase like that as a child, I used to lie awake and worry about it every night. The big, big difference is - I didn't tell my Mum about it. Its great that your ds is able to talk to you, so you can keep reassuring him..

Blu has said all the things I could think of that might help, and much better than I could, so will just add a hug for you (not easy to watch them go through tough feelings) and hope things stay nice and normal so ds can start to feel safe again soon.

Original poster

foxinsocks · 13/10/2006 09:15

thanks everyone

He already appears much more cheerful this morning (think being ill freaked him out) so I hope that this is a sign that he is starting to feel better about everything.

OP posts:

EliBoo · 13/10/2006 09:42

Probably confusing sorting out different sorts of 'ill' in his head, bad enough at my age!

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