When other people tell your child off in front of you..

[Donbean]

Even when they are good friends or just some one you know:

1. How does it make you feel?
2. What do you do?

now i have no objection to other parents telling my daughter off if needed (like im not paying attention or cant get to her quick enough or whatever, as long as i know the person doing the telling off and its done in a way i aprrove of. what i hate is my bro (who has no children) telling dd off when she is just being a toddler, like if shes banging a block on the table, he'll tell her to stop, and my thoughts are, why?? does it really matter, she just wants to know what sound it makes! or if shes trying to ask something and no ones listenning (shes nearly 2 btw) she'll raise her voice, and he tells her off for shouting..........now that gets on my wick!

I find it hard to listen to other people telling ym children wht to do, but i think in the long run I would not be doing them any favours by jumping to their defence all the time, justified or not. My DC's have to learn that DP and i arnt the only ones to bite and it sometimes gets a better result if someone else steps in. If i am minding anyone elses DC's they will get treated as faily or unfairly as my own, otherwise i wouldnt be trusted to mind them

To answer original post, I think I would hate it if another parent told my child off. I'd take it personallyi.e. I'd think I wasn't a good mum etcand get totally depressed about it.

And I find it very hardwell impossibleto tell off someone else's child.

The next-door neighbour's 6-yr-old recently came over to play with my kids. They were playing nicely, as they invariably do, and my dh was vaguely supervising. All of a sudden the neighbour girl barged into my room without knocking. I'd just got out of the bath and was stark naked. I said, grabbing a towel fast as I could, "Sweetheart you really ought to knock first!" but that was the closest I've come to telling a child off. I mean, I'm sure her parents tell her to knock andlike all kidsshe doesn't always do what parents say. . . but I thought her own embarassment was sort of its own lesson, without my making it worse by telling her off.

Your friend was wrong to use an annoyed tone if your DS had only thrown the ball the once - presuming he didn't aim it at her babe's head! But imo it was fine for her to tell him not to do it it again in a firm voice and explain why.

I dont think I'd mind if somebody told my daughter off, providing it wasn't extreme.
But I was having this conversation with my CM today, she'd taken the kids to playgroup and another parent had told off one of the girls, but then refused to tell the CM what she'd done wrong, which I think is terrible!

donbeam - I haven't read everything closely but one thing you say stuck out - you said that your friends were fed up of ds so they don;t invite you and him round but they all come to see you - that doesn't sound like the action of friends who are really fed up. if they were they wouldn't come to see you! perhaps - if their kids are all younger, they realise that your house is better equipped for a 3 year old and that it's easier to be at yours. I can see your concern (much of which will be dissipated when your friends' kids reach 3) but I don't think you need to feel totally dropped. It migt be a difficult stage but you'll all get through it.

Oh I don't mind other parents telling my child off if he is doing something wrong. Non-parents who are being ridiculous can piss off though. Like shop workers, a lot of them are young childless girls who do not have a clue - "Oh don't touch that or your mummy will smack your bottom!" WTF???? No I bloody won't!

Is the baby your friend's first born? Because I think that a lot of new parents don't know what to expect from older children than their own, so doesn't know that 3 year olds accidentally throw balls in wrong directions. I remember telling a 6 year old boy off (in a friendly wat though)for rough behaviour in a softplay area, when my eldest was only 4. Now he is 6 and see exactly the same behaviour from him, and realise that I might have expected a bit too much then. (I remember the puzzled look the boy gave me...)

So no, I don't mind other people telling my children off when I'm not there or haven't seen what they did, but I would expect a friendly tone and an explanation as to why the behaviour is so bad. My friends tell my children off in these situations, and I tell my friends' children off should a correction be necessary. But always in a patient and nice way. I'm grateful for this, because I can't see everything/be everywhere with 3 boys, and makes me feel supported in my parenting.

I'm very much in the 'It takes a village to parent a child' camp.

Admittedly, possibly because as a teacher i get a certain amount of: My mum says I don't have to do detentions (Well, your mum had best choose a school for you that doesn't do them either, then...) - but generally I think abiding by the 'house rules' is a good lesson to learn.

I would definitely expect ds to be ticked off if he was behaving badly in someone else's house. If it was at home, then I'd be OK if it was about something like chucking a ball at visitor's baby. Not that your ds probably did it with any malice at all, but being told not to is fair enough.

The one I object to is when the child is in your own home & doing something harmless & someone else decides THEY object to it - ie. my mum deciding unilaterally that ds shouldn't be allowed to play with the buttons on the washing machine. Not her child. Not her washing machine. Not her house. Not her business.

If it was his preschool teacher/headmaster, then I would back off and let them get on with it, because I think the world of them both, they are marvellous with him, and I think it's better for ds1 and for everyone else that they do the disciplining on their territory, as t'were.

Anyone else, including grandparents (and even dh sometimes and I tend to get a bit shitty, I'm afraid

I was in a restaurant with DS3 (2.2) and loads of other people on Saturday night. DS3 was sitting on my knee for hours and as he doesn't eat anything, there wasn't much for him to do. AT one point he got hold of a knife and was banging it on the table. The restaurant was really noisy, so I didn't see the harm in letting him continue. So I was well pissed off when the bloke beside me grabbed the knife and took it off him...

Actually having something banged next to me, repeatedly, while I try to eat would piss me off mightily. Sorry.

But saying that if I could see you were struggling to entertain a child, I would also help, let him explore my handbag.

One of my friends annoyed me once, telling ds1 not to run around. We were in the park!! I did immediately say "No, he is allowed to run around."

She doesn't let her daughter touch the floor, personally I think what she gains in clean clothes and calmness she loses in sleep at night, as ds1 is manic but sleeps like a log.

I don't have a problem with it. I quite like the fact that there are another pair of eyes on dd when we're out with friends. If she has been told not to do something, for example, she will look at me as if to say 'are you going to let her talk to me like that??' and I always try to back my friends up. They don't tell her off for no reason, so if she's been told not to do something, I'll tell her 'so and so told you not to do xyz.'

Saying that, as an afterthought, I would probably go mad if my friends were in any way rude to dd, but luckily they're not. We try and speak to each others kids in a nice way, the shouting and hollering is left to the mums of the individual kids lol

I was so pissed off recently with a situation like this - i'd just had my dd who was only few weeks old. She was happily lieing on play mat. I was in the kitchen making tea when i heard my friend shout 'NO...YOU MUSTN'T DO THAT' to my ds (3yo) I honestly thought my ds had thrown a hot drink over her or something so came running in in a right panic. I asked what had happened and she said - like it was a huge crime - he threw a cushion at her. I was shocked because - ok said cushion was right by her - but she wasn't upset and ds looked little confused. I had been really careful in introducing new baby to ds and he really loved her...he must have been being a bit careless but he would never have intentionally hurt her.

It was an awful moment. I looked at my friend differently TBH. I felt she had no experience of having to deal with two children (she has one 3yo ds). She was causing anxiety by making an issue of nothing.

We were in my home BTW.

There are a few people i would trust to reprimand my ds and dd but you can't trust everyone and i'm careful to now say to anyone who attempts to do it 'It's alright - i've got it under control'.

Other parents have their own agendas and loyalities and many are - i'm afraid - judgemental of others dc. It pisses me right off.

Let them walk my walk before they decide whether i'm parenting appropriately.

Donbean - i'd say have confidence in yourself and don't be embarressed by your very normal 3yo...they'll learn!!

Hi donbean - just got in from lovely evening out for meal with friends & couldn't resist taking a peek at mn! (is that sad?)
My 2 boys are 11 & 12 and quite charming most of the time - it wasn't always like that!
Your ds sounds perfectly normal to me - your friends will be wary of him because he is bigger & more boisterous than theirs - it's going to be like that for a few years yet!
My advice is swap children for an afternoon - your ds will be a model child when he's got one-to-one attention from someone else. Our own kids are always seeking our attention and approval and because they feel so safe with us they will let rip with a tantrum or other seemingly negative behaviour. Your friend will bring him back and tell you how wonderful he's been for her. Everyone will benefit - just as long as you remember that he hasn't been good for her because she can handle him better - it's just that she's not his mum

Floating - my mum does exactly the same at times Slowly turns you mad, doesn't it?

Do we share the same mum?!

Great idea fortyp - my ds is brilliant when he's looked after by family and i'm sure people don't believe how difficult he can be when i'm on my own with him. He knows how to 'play' me!

Having said that he does play up when i'm with friends who are with their children too and i feel that they're looking at me thinking ' oh, she's not in control'. Although I AM and generally he's very good...just 3yo. I know what Donbean means about over disaplining in front of friends to try and prove your point. Horrible road to go down for you and dc IMHO.

Hi.
I HATE it when other people tell my boy off - at least if they shout at him. I don't often shout at him myself, so why should anyone else?

It depends on how it is done - I have friends who will just say firmly "no X, you must share" or "be careful when throwing that ball" etc. That is fine by me.

I would NEVER EVER tell off someone elses child whilst their parent(s) were present, they are not my responsibility.

I have a friend whose husband is mega strict, and shouts at everyone else's child, and we have started making excuses not to go round there!

I find it hard when it seems like its a judgement of my DD. A friend has a little girl 9 months younger than mine, and her DD sometimes bites my DD when they squabble over toys. When this happens, she tells off her DD for biting, and then tells off my DD for 'provoking' hers!!! (My DD is 2.4 BTW) It drives me mad, because it undermines my parenting (as I try to play the whole thiing down and not 'jump' in as soon as they squabble etc) and, to me, it seems like she is blaming my DD unfairly.

Its really hard, as she is a good friend. You have my sympathies!

On the other hand, I don't mind if she 'reminds' DD of a rule that I have made, eg "don't sit on your brother" !

Well, it happened again today
Im afraid that my boy is an evil little sod who just gets on every ones pip....to me though he is gorgeous.