When other people tell your child off in front of you..

[Donbean]

Even when they are good friends or just some one you know:

1. How does it make you feel?
2. What do you do?

I Think that it also depends on your relationship with the person involved doesnt it?

also I'd rather know if people don't like my children so we can address the behaviour. better than just losing friends as they can't bear to be around your children. which does happen.

We were in my house at the time. (i wouldnt want a ball thrown at my babies head either)
What im saying is that i have now stopped going to other peoples homes because we are not wanted.
They all pile round to mine instead!!!

fennel, i do think that his behaviour is normal for a 3 year old. He wasnt throwing the ball at the babies head, he was throwing it to the baby. He is a crap shot because he is learning.
Its mainly friends with younger children who have the dislike of him.
Friends with kids the same age are fine..because their kids are almost the same behaviour wise.
I cant seem to get this over to them you see.
Until they are there themselves, they wont understand.
I remember thinking to myself that no kid of mine will act like that...HELLO!!!!!

NO ONE is going to tell you that they dont like your child, no one.

My dd1 (aged two and a half) was arguing over a bib with her cousin (also aged two and a half), both of them pulling at it. I stood up and shouted 'stop that both of you' with the intention of confiscating the bib, when my sisiter in law dived in in front of me, grabbed my dd, and shouted at herand read her the riot act. As for her own child, she didn't reprimand her in the slightest. Yes it really does piss me off when someone else tells off my child, especially when they let their own children get away with murder.

Donbeam I have a good friend whose 6yo ds really is quite difficult (he's being assessed at school for ADHD and other possibilities). She knows he's difficult and lots of our mutual friends have stopped seeing her really because her boy is quite difficult with other children. I think if your ds is actually difficult then finding ways to deal with it and keep your friends is important - I still see this friend, but I have to prime my children that this boy gets aggressive sometimes and that they need to be able to cope with it. it's not easy but what I'm trying to say is at least if you can talk to your friends about it, and they feel they can sometimes tell him off, it might be better in the long run than not seeing your friends.

crossed posts where you say he's not difficult, just perhaps a typical 3yo. sorry. my last post might be less relevant.

Was her baby in danger of being hurt? Did you say anything to your son to let him know it wasn't a good idea to throw the ball to the baby?

My guess is that it was a gut level protective reaction and not an established dislike of your son.

Donbean - yes you are right, they will realise when thier children get to the age of your DS. But you must remember feeling incredibly protective of him when he was a baby, and it must be quite difficult for her to watch your 3 year old throwing a ball at/to it. Of course your DS thought he was throing it 'to' the baby, but as adults we know it's 'at' it because the baby can't catch. If YOU are not going to firmly but kindly explain to your 3 year old that throwing bals and babies don't mix, what choice does your freind have?

It doesn't have to be 'telling off' other children - I am quite happy for any of my friends to ask DS to do something differently / stop doing something / do something - I trust them - that's part of being friends. Plus, a lot of it is to do with 'refereeing' tw or more kids, so it makes sense for the parent on the spot to deal with the whole situiation, not just thier child.

If i was in the room i would have explained to my DS before the situation arose that babies couldn't catch, and not to throw the ball to him. If I had not done that, for some reason, i would have told him instantly - before the other mother did, if he was throwing the ball to the baby - partly to make the other mother secure that her little one was safe and considered, iyswim. And if i wasn't in the room, I would be more than happy if she asked him not to do it. I think an average 3 year-ols is able to understand that, too - even though theri enthusiasm may get the beter of them.

id you are feeling that peopel don't like your child, (which must be very upsetting) perhaps you should look at how mucg you patrol his behaviour hen amongst others - or your own confidence in dealing with him.

I hope there is no lasting tension with your friend - good luck.

not less relevant fennel, very interesting, please dont think i was cross, not at all. Very interested in other peoples views.x

Thanks blu.
It is very difficult. Its not particularly that situation with the ball. He had been happily throwing it to me, i turned to answer something she had said and he threw the ball. Before i could speak, she said that.
I dont think that i am a soft touch by any means.
Im finding it harder and harder to deal with him.
That incident happened after he had been on the naughty step twice, in his room once and told/distracted/asked/spoken to/ shouted at numerous times all within 1.5 hours!
He is a demon when people are round.

Dont mind if I know he has done what ever he has done.
I re-enforce it too.

I think that even if you later find (if that is possible ever) that your child wasnt in the frame, well that is a learning curve for them too. Makes them evaluate the situations.

They are never too early to learn to evaluate so age aint nothing but a number.

YOUTH OFFENDERS INSTITUTE....THIS WAY.... (i feel)!!!

I think it's great. Helps keep them in check. Shows them they need to be responsible for their own conduct. I remember when our older 3 took a long train ride alone and were making a noise and a lady, they told us later, had told them off for using "outdoor voices". I bet they were and I'm glad she shut them up.

Nah Donbean - let's apply some MN collective wisdom..maybe it's a case of less dicipline but more jusisciously applied, maybe it's a case of easing up, maybe it's a case of his individual quirks...but it sounds as if you have tried lots of things and now can't see the wood for the trees - a common parenting condition! And much harder to deal with once you 9quite natuarrly) start to feel a bit discouraged and sensitive about it.

OK - so there had been an hour and a half of strict intervebtion....lets' go back to the beginning. What exactly sparked the time on the naugghty step, and the shouting?

(I have to go out now...but I'm not the most experienced MN person at this anyway, not by a long chalk!)

I dont think anyone else needs to tell your child off if you are in the same room (unless it was for something bad and you never said anything!)

If I was there, I would tell my own child off

But if I didn't see what had happened or was in another room, I wouldn't mind them being told off

I think it depends on who is doing the telling off and why. I remember last year that one of the shop assistants in tescos shouted at my ds when I?d asked him to put his gloves back on. I had the matter in hand and she promptly laid into him telling him she was going to put his sweets back if he didn?t do as he was told. I was fuming as I was in the process of dealing with it and who the hell did she think she was laying into my child like that. But on the other hand we were at the park the other day and my friend?s dd and my ds went behind the slides where the bigger kids? swings had previously been and where it?s overgrown with bushes. She went over and told them both to come away from there as it?s overgrown and not a very nice part of the park. It was quicker for her to just go over and tell both of them than for both of us to go to the children playing together and individually tell each of our children.

But it sounds to me as if you?re finding things difficult at the moment and that perhaps you see someone telling your child off as being a personal attack on your parenting? Or on your child? Or both? You say your child is difficult and that people don?t like him, why is this? Are the strategies you are using for discipline not working? Maybe you could come up with different ways to try to ensure he behaves when he?s around other people. Remember that people telling your child off aren?t necessarily doing it because they think you?re incapable, it may just come as second nature to them, esp if your child threw a ball at your friend?s baby.

I think it?s often easier to think that others have issue with your child rather than accepting that the child is the issue iyswim, if most people ar avoiding you because of your child, then you do need to address this at least, because your 3 year od will grow up and the older he becomes, the harder he will be to manage if you don?t tackle this now.

Good luck x

In that particular situation I would not have minded and in fact in most situations I don't mind.
You have said you are struggling a bit with his behaviour is it possible that you are seen to be struggling which is part of the reasons that your friends may not see his beaviour as normal 3 year old behaviour?
If I am aloowed to be honest it does sound like you have been a bit bogged down my the discipline and it does sound like a lot and maybe a confusing assortment of punishments in a short space of time for a 3 year old.

I have to be honest I have a 3 year old and a baby in the house and although I don't stop DD throwing balls around etc when the ball comes out I do prewarn that it has to be kept away from the baby in the same way I do warn that anything unsuitable like leaping jumping whatever is not acceptable around the baby.

People don't tend to tell my children off in front of me. I think they have already decided I'm far too strict as it is. The only person who would is my DSis1 who rarely does it now because I told her that I am more than capable of telling them off myself (she gets a bit carried away with the little stuff).

If they do tell them off (on those rare occasions) and are justified I simply say to my child. "Well Mummy doesn't need to tell you any more, what are you going to do?" They tend to apologise, but I have to say... I have incredibly polite children. Every so often I wish one of them would.......... but then... as long as I can take them outside I don't mind [clenched teeth emoticon]

Providing it's fair and not ott then I'm of Twiglett's view. Sometimes a child will take more notice of someone else than they do of you and take away the message that's not just mum/dad who don't like a certain behaviour. I remember a friend's ds throwing something sharp at my baby and cutting her head open. You can bet I told him off and he looked a lot sorrier than he ever did for his parents.

Not had time to read whole thread BUT to answer initial question...I would hate it..in fact I would have to comment on them disiplining my dd. I wouldn't do it to theirs so don;t expect them to do it to mine.Simple as....

havent read thread but my friend tends to do this when her dc have been showing off . i think she kind of uses my children to make her feel better. my dc might not have done anything but she will say things like " come on now mummy wants you to go home " quite firm.
know what i mean?

Donbean, tere are 2 sides to your stpry.

1. Is it OK to tell of a friend's child ? Well, I don't have a problem with it TBH.

2- Was it appropriate? You said it yourself, it's aprents with younger children who find your ds difficult. I think that when you have first child and they are little, you have no idea what is in front of you and what is normal or not. You just think 'O my God, he/she wil hurt my poor darling baby/angel/ my own flesh...', so the their eraction is probably way over the top. Now, when I had ds2, I went to our local breasfeeding group. I know a few mums there think I am crazy/ not a good mum (etc...) because I didn't bother to change my ds nappy during the night when he was a few months old. And then we saw each other at P&T groups, they were obvioulsy worried that ds1 would walk on all the babies lying on the floor (He never did) so would have prefered me not to stay around. So try not worry about it too much. They will understand when their own child will start to be mobile

I feel quite in control but do feel that i am on his back allot to make them feel reassured and secure that he wont hurt thier baby.
On our own i am laid back and kind of let him learn from his own mistakes.
This i can see is confusing.
I think that wannabe74 is making a very valid point in saying that i feel that this is a personal attack on my parenting skills, i am anxious that they think that i am not "on it" with him.
However it is ME that avoids friends and not them that avoid us.
You have all put this into perspective for me and thrown some good ideas at me, thanks.

Do you all think that he may have behavioural problems and i am ignoring/not taking issue with them?