When other people tell your child off in front of you..

[Donbean]

Even when they are good friends or just some one you know:

1. How does it make you feel?
2. What do you do?

Donbean only you will know whether your ds has behavioral problems or not. If you give some more info re his behavior, then obviously those with similar aged children would be able to give you an idea as to whether their children behave in this manner as well and that might reassure you perhaps?

To be perfectly honest with you, it is them making me feel that he has behavioural problems.
Me personally i dont think that he has. I think that he is perfectly normal......now am i burying my head in the sand over this, i dont think so.
Tantrums galore
frustration galore
agressive periods occasionally
refusing to listen to instructions
demanding behaviour
dillydallying over getting dressed/cleaning teeth/getting into bath etc etc etc...
He is 3, he is bright, communicative and learning to manage his temper and feelings.
He has limited understanding of what is right and wrong.
Im struggling at times because ive never done this job before, i too am learning.
Ive watched that supernanny programme and he is NOWHERE near as bad as those children...so what do you think?

Haven't read all the replies but to answer the OP it really depends firstly on how they go about it and secondly whether or not it is justified. As long as they don't shout and do it in an appropriate way for my son to understand then that's fine , but I still find it a bit embarassing. With my other mum friends we all parent each other's children when we get, it takes the pressure off a bit and kids are more likely to listen to someone else.

On a bus once ds who's 3 kept getting up and moving to different seats, he wouldn't listen to me when I told him to sit still and is too big now for me to hold down, so I was very relieved when the bus driver turned round and told ds in a very stern voice to "sit down because it's dangerous not too and you'll get hurt". I think my ds was very embarrassed and now always sits still on busses. I thanked the driver!

I should add that I don't think it is right for others to interfere or add their bit when the parent is obviously already dealing with it or if the child is just acting normal for their age e.g. throwing a tantrum!

lol rosie with the bus driver, see now i wouldnt mind that. I too would be grateful like you were.

I think every child is different and I think they all exhibit challenging behaviour at times. I think that the behaviour becomes an issue when the bad behaviour outweighs the good. You said that in the hour and a half prior to the ball throwing incident your ds had been sent to the naughty step twice and to his room and had been shouted at constantly. Is this how your day tipically goes? Or was this a particularly bad period. I always remember a friend saying to me that you always remember the bad behaviour over the good. She said ?ds could do a hundred good things, and one bad thing, but it would be the bad thing I remembered.? Make a list of all the things your ds has done today, make it in two columns, one for the good things, and one for the bad things, i.e. the things that warranted being shouted at/sent to the naughty step/his bedroom etc. Try doing this for a week, and after a week have a look at the lists and see which one is the longest, the good one? Or the bad one. If the good one is the longest, then you have a good little boy who maybe just needs a bit of a firm hand from time to time, if the bad one is the longest, then you need to have a think about the way you are choosing to discipline, and try to come up with some strategies that will work better for you.

I know that?s very unscientific, but hth x

This is a tricky one for me. DS's best friend and him rough abd tumble like all 5 yo. Unfortunately DS' friend cries for AGES if he is in any way prodded, even when he instigates the rough and tumble. My DS always gets the blame - the no. of times I've heard, well my DS doesn't normally cry for no reason, you must have done something...To make matters more tricky DS has Aspergers Syndrome - at the v. mild end, but I think my friend assumes therefore that any tears are a result of my DS' misbehaviour. Then when she tells him off she'll hold on to my DS, point at her crying son saying look at him, how do you think he feels, well...Of course, having AS that is something my DS finds v. difficult to do and he gets realy stressed and then acts up - even if he didn't do anything in the 1st place. Then my friend's thoughts re. my son are reinforced. It makes me sooo angry. Next time it happens I will have to have a word about how she deals with incidents involving my DS. I don't mind friends telling off my children appropriately, but not when there is always a presumption that DS did something.

Thanks wannabe.
You are very wise and great for sticking with me thus far!
That hour and a half was bad. He had been good as gold all day till then, we had a lovely lovely day.
Its always when other people are around.
His good behaviour far outweighes the bad.
I dont need a list to tell me that thank goodness.

I suppose im worried that they all think that he is a horror because of the way he is around them. I know that he isnt when its just us or friends with kids the same age or older.

ooh yes, difficult earthtomummy, that is a tricky one.
How will you approach the other mum about this?

If his behaviour only turns when other people are around it is possible that he is just excited about having company and is showing off a bit.
Do you go to many toddler groups or anything I found DD was a bit like this when we were with other people and it was because we had not been managing our toddler goups and much visiting for a while and she was just soooo hyper at the prospect of spending some time with someone other than me.

If his behaviour only turns when other people are around it is possible that he is just excited about having company and is showing off a bit.
Do you go to many toddler groups or anything I found DD was a bit like this when we were with other people and it was because we had not been managing our toddler goups and much visiting for a while and she was just soooo hyper at the prospect of spending some time with someone other than me.

Donbean, my ds is 2.9 and is very similar when he is in company. On our own he is fantastic but when we get together with other people, especially ones with other kids, he morphs into a little terror. He isn't aggressive but has tantrum after tantrum over a toy that another child is playing with, someone else's drink, snack, etc. I find it quite upsetting that other people don't get to see the lovely, affectionate, happy little boy I have (most of the time) at home. There is just something about being out or having people here that sets him off. He's not like it if I'm not there, which makes me feel worse in a way because I feel like it's something I've done. It's really hard, I know. I am wondering whether it's partly because he picks up on my tension when we do go to these things. I get wound up thinking about what he might do so I'm probably harsher on him than I usually am. I'm trying to be more positive with him and trying to praise his good behaviour when we're in company. The trouble is, I don't want people to think I'm not dealing with the 'bad' behaviour so it's a bit of a rock and a hard place situation in some ways.

You have my sympathy, I think all you can do is keep reminding yourself that he is just a normal 3 year old, with normal 3 year old behaviour and your friends will eventually realise that for themselves.

We have kids coming and going to our house all the time plus he goes to play school and pre school. We have quite a large social group for him and me.
Im hoping that it is a phase, attention seeking phase at the mo.
Thanks for replying and your suggestion adath.
How did you deal with your dd when this happened?

oh olihan you have hit the nail on the head precisely.
In fact you have said in one post so simply exactly what has been going on for us THANKYOU so much for your post.

It's a pleasure . Glad I made you feel better.

i used to go to a 'support'(yeah,right)group for women with PND,where the kids would play and the mums would chat.ds2 was fine untill he got to 2,then he started thinking it was funny to push the little toddlers over.the women who ran the group made me feel awful about this,like he was a terrible child and i was a terrible mum for not controlling him.i used to get really stressed out just trying to stop him doing these things.i even took him to the doctors cos i was made to feel like he had behavioural problems,but the gp assured me it was pretty normal for a 2 yr old who was used to rough and tumble with his big brother and sister.he also atarted going to nursery around that time(playschool type thing)and although he behaved in that way there the teachers said many of the children were the same and dont worry about it.
however,i still felt awful cos of the PND group.in the end they asked me not to bring him any more cos of his 'behavioual problems' .it really upset me at the time but looking back they were a bunch of snobs who didnt have a clue(the 3 women who ran it only had teenage daughters).
it sounds like ur ds is very bright,and may just need alot of stimulation,and will probably come into his own when he starts school full time

i wouldnt be happy if somebody else told my kids off when i was there unless we were in their house which is fair enough.

Donbean, I haven't read the whole thread but I understand what you mean when you say friends with younger children don't understand that the way your 3 year old is behaving is normal for a 3 year old.

I struggled with this at playgroup for a while. My problem, not the other mums, who in the majority were lovely. A year on and their dc are now 'acting up' and my ds2 looks positively well behaved in comparison!

However, I did lose a friend who would just look at ds in horror over everything he did and at me as if I was somehow meant to control him. Her ds was about 10 months and she was fiercly protective of him. I remember saying to her, when they get to this age you pick your battles with them or you'd spend all day on their case but she wasn't convinced and haven't seen her since.

Keep your chin up and all that. He sounds just like a 3 year old to me

Thanks for your posts guys, it seems im not the only one!
divastrop OMG they asked you not to come back or bring your ds any more i would have died! I would have been at the Drs too with him....we obviously think alike!
Its just reassurance that you need isnt it. I think that why i started this thread.
We do have a busy social life yes, reading my post back it does sound chaotic and on the go constantly but its not and its all carefully planned out and has all been very gradual over the last year.
I wont bore you with the intracacies but believe me alot of thought goes into what we do in a day.
We have such fun and have tons of one to one time.
I now think from all of your kind words that he is normal and its what 3 year olds do and do best. He wouldnt be his little self if he were any other way would he.
I would be worried if he just sat serenely and played with a car for hours on end.....

I once told a friend's 7-year-old off. He was very rude to his mum and I was outraged so before I had time to think about it I just said to him "You do not talk to your mother like this" in a very sharp tone of voice. He was shocked and stopped in his tracks. My friend said something like "Remember how good you were to mummy earlier".
I am hoping I did not offend her by intervening although she clearly felt bad about it, she is still my best friend. I am also hoping that it made the boy realise it was not an acceptable behaviour.
I was childless back then and did not have a clue. I am sure she will have a chance to reciprocate when ds is a bit older.

Ive never done it i dont think.
Its something that i wouldnt feel comfortable doing.
Although the situation has never presented itself to me thus far.

This is a very difficult one and I have the same issues with my brother's kids. I suppose if I think the other adult is being fair to my child and they deserve to be told off then I agree with the others above that its good for a child to realise that the rules are the rules and they can't get away with unruly behaviour in front of any adult. On the other hand, it is very natural to feel protective of your own child and if you feel the other adult has been overly harsh then it is very hard to accept it. I suppose Donbean, you can try and reconcile yourself to what happened by imagining if it had been the other way around- if your friend is nervous of your DS anyway and any mum of a young baby is hyper-protective, then she was probably sharper than she should have been, but no real harm done as presumably you would hope that she would speak equally sharply to her own child if it had thrown a ball at your young baby....as someone said above, this is part of loving and trusting your friends. You can always explain a bit more to your DS later than she might have been harsh, but she was worried because babies can't protect themselves, but you know he didn't mean it etc. Hope this all makes sense.

It does make sense thankyou, you put it into perspective very well, it makes me feel alot better.

Donbean, your DS sounds a lot like mine. We have days of good behaviour with the odd hic up here and there, then for example, when DHs cousin came with their slightly younger DS he was a nightmare. Constant time out and so on, until DS had to take him outside to play on his own , just to give everyone a break.

I really wish that instead of watching us do all the disciplining that they would have told him as well. Like others have said, it wouldnt have just been just horrible mummy and daddy.

We have just started nursery two morning a week and while they say he can be a bit of a handful at times he seems to be getting the idea that the whole world doesnt revolve around him. More importantly to me though, is that they also say that it is completely normal behaviour .

Im hoping that he will come into is own when he starts school (I think it was twig who said this the other day).