How to deal with 'I hate you'

[MrsWhirling]

Our 7yr old DD has become awful since starting yr2. She is rude and we have difficulty getting her to listen to us or do as we ask. To make matters worse, her new behaviour is telling us she hates us, wants new parents, hates our home. She often ignores both me& her dad when we collect her from after-school club, in contrast to other children who are pleased to see their parents. I have tried explaining to her how hurtful this is but she simply says she doesn't care. I'm at a total loss how to deal. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

My 7 year old says he hates me too - yesterday it was because I wouldn't read him a 3rd chapter at bedtime. I always say "Oh well, I love you". He says he loves me more often than that he hates me and still wants cuddles etc. - they don't mean it, it's just a phase so be the adult and don't take it personally.

I read the title and was just going to come on and say it was a phase and have some trite comment back. However, it seems a bit more than that. I would sit down with her and your DP and try and get to the bottom of what is happening in her life and why she is so upset and angry.

When I've had this from my DD I've just said "But I love you and always will" (even though it is hurtful). But she's much younger than your DD, and as Mehitabel says there might be something going on with your DD that you need to understand

My mum used to say "that's a shame, because I really love you".

Oh sorry, I too can see that things are rather more complicated than my own childish protests.
Sorry OP, I have no advice..hope someone more useful is along soon.

I would try ignoring as she may just be doing it for a reaction. You have tried talking to her and at the moment that hasn't worked so for now if it was me I would just make absolutely no reaction as if I hadn't heard. She might get bored of it with no reaction. It's hard to ignore though I know...

I suspect that she's saying it in order to be hurtful (why else, after all?) so trying to reason with her by explaining how hurtful it is will probably have the opposite effect to the one you want.
Try acting as if it's not terribly important to you that she hates you - you'll keep loving her and you'll keep expecting her to do as she's told or otherwise follow your rules (A coolish, "I'm sorry that you hate me, but you still have to pick up your clothes" or "How sad for you not to like it here, we like having you here". That sort of thing.)

I agree that it's probably not about you at all. She's probably upset about something at school and you're a 'safe' outlet for her frustration. Something that might not be at all obvious at first, even to her.
The year my daughter had a teacher who couldn't properly control her classroom, her (then undiagnosed) ADHD made life hell for both of us. It didn't help that when I went to the school and asked to have her assessed for 'learning barriers' her teacher literally laughed at me. Stupid cow. (sorry, still bitter.)

I wish I could tell you what the magic solution was, or even that there is one, but try looking at school first as the start of the school year seems to coincide with the start of the behaviour. And good luck.

My son went through a really angry phase earlier this year (also just started Year 2). We read this book together and it has really helped. It calmed him down a lot, and now when he gets angry about things we refer back to some of the strategies it taught him.

On the other hand, my daughter is 8 and has started to say 'I hate you' if I ask her to do something she doesn't like. I tend to either laugh or breezily say 'Ok' as I think it's a whole different issue of her testing boundaries and trying out older behaviour that she reads about.

I can't help from a parental point of view as I am expecting PFB. However my niece went though this when she was 6. It would really upset her DF, and her DM (my Dsis) wasn't happy about it either. While babysitting her over a long weekend (and trust me it felt a lot longer as she was a right pain testing boundaries with me) she said "I hate you" after I'd told off for something. I remember I breezily replied that it made it easier for me to punish her. She never said it to me again and several years on I am still her favourite auntie . I knew she didn't mean it and that she was just trying to get some control/push boundaries.