Dd refusing to go to school -says she can't cope

[18yearstooold]

Dd is a high achiever but incredibly anxious

She was ill last week, fine all weekend, refused school this morning

I've spoken to school several times about her anxiety but they don't see it

How do I get her back to school?

Who did you speak to at school and how did you discuss it - letter, face to face?

And what do you mean by high achiever? is she on the gifted and talented register (if the school has one)?

Have you discussed any bullying issues that might be happening?

And, how old/which school year is she in?

She's in yr 8, spoken to her head of year on the phone a number of times

They don't specify G&T but she has level 8 targets for this year across the board

There are no bullying issues as far as i'm aware, all the teachers describe her as a pleasure to have in class and they've seen no issues so are surprised she's refused school today and have just told me to get her in -while she's sobbing and retching that's not going to happen

In your shoes I would ask for professional help. Take her to go today and ask the school for clear help. The school will always say that you have to get her in it is their default answer. It is such a critical age and you want to get proper support. What are her extra curricular activities like? And just a comment, it doesnt necessarely have anything to do with Herr being a high achiever, this could be a red herring. My friend's son refuses to go to school and it has little to do with results or achiements .

Take her to GP bloody predictive text

She's told me she's scared of not living up to everyone's expectations of her but a lot of that expectation she puts on herself

I can't get her to go to the doctors, I've been trying for weeks

The thing is, the more you wait the more she will get anxious. Could you go to your GP on your own and discuss it without her?

Could you do small activities with her during the day that will distract her and re-build her confidence, take her to a museum with some art material and dosome drawing, long walks, swims, and put a deadline to it (let's say, we're going back to school Wednesday and that's that)?

you really need to get some professional help for her, i think.

I've been to the doctors, they have me a leaflet about a drop in counselling service but I can't get her to go

I don't want to reward her for being off by taking her places -she would live to spend the day pottering around a museum or art gallery

Plus the longer she's off the more uni i'm missing and I've got exams coming up

So what does she do all day? Does she do any work at all? Read, watch tv?

Are you absolutely believing that it has to do with not being able to meet her own expectations - could it be something else?

A firm ultimatum might work - either go to counselling or go to school. You can't give up.

She's been reading les miserables and the picture of Dorian Gray

I've been trying to keep up with uni stuff and she's shown a passing interest

She's also been keeping up with her school work -she wants to keep up but doesn't want to physically go into school

In all honesty, I have no idea what's wrong

How much do you know about Asperger's in girls? An awful lot of girls reach teenage before they are diagnosed because they mask their difficulties so skillfully, are often angelic in school and their passions are often quite socially appropriate, e.g.horses.

Your DD may well be nothing like a girl with AS but it may be worth looking into it. When I found out my DD1 had it when she was 12 it was like someone giving me all the missing pieces of a jigsaw. Suddenly it all made sense.

I would never have considered AS for her before CAMHS suggested it when they were seeing her because of school refusal. Up until then she was a quiet, academically able, shy child who was very polite and mature and a dream to teach apparently. I thought AS would be obvious but that often isn't the case.