Impossible dilemma - am I doing the right thing?....Help please!

[grant10]

I'm extremely concerned about how I should deal with an unexpected problem I have with my best friend's 3yo son, who I am looking after for 3+ weeks while she is away in New Zealand due to a family bereavement. Staying with us was considered to be the perfect solution, as he's spent lots of time at our home, is very familiar with us all and loves playing with my own 4yo son.
His first night with us was last Thursday and he slept right through with no problems. However, the next night at about 11pm I could hear that he was awake and clearly upset so quickly went upstairs to try and settle him back down - only to discover that he had wet the bed and was shivering uncomfortably in wet pj's. Fortunately I had put a waterproof under-sheet on the bed, so quickly had him comfortable and dry again. As he's been dry at night for several months now, I passed this incident off as simply unlucky and probably a result of him feeling a bit unsettled while not being in his own home and bed. While this may well be the reason, the problem continues, with a wet bed on both the following two nights. I'm running out of ideas, as on both those nights I took him to the toilet for a wee before going to bed myself - and I also avoided giving him a drink near to his bed-time. Above all, it is preventing him from having a good nights sleep and upsetting him.

As him mum put so much time and effort in to getting him dry at night, the very last thing I wanted to resort to was nappies, but something had to be done as I couldn't cope with three weeks of bed wetting and I'd exhausted all other options I could think of. Having decided there was no alternative to a nappy, I thought it sensible to at least avoid the suggestion to him of having a nappy on for bed, so instead referred to it just as "big boys' bed-time pants". This idea seemed to be working well, but only until he saw me unfolding a disposable ready for him - then all hell let loose....a very grumpy and upset boy, who clearly had no doubt about what was about to go on his bottom! I was by now at my wit's end and desperate to find a way to take him up to bed feeling relaxed, happy, and above all, in a nappy. Terries to the rescue!!...and thankfully I'd kept everything required from when my ds was last in nappies. I was certain he'd never experienced wearing a terry nappy before, so was hopeful that he could be cleverly persuaded to try on some "really special pants for bed-time" Woohoo!....it worked a treat - and to my relief he was almost excited to see how I could magic a couple of terry squares to become some pants for him. He was even more intrigued by the two nappy pins that I'd explained were needed to help make his pants! He was so fascinated and engrossed in the whole procedure that he was quite oblivious to me putting a boosted nappy on him, complete with plastic pants, with no more than a minor protest when he realised he could no longer close his legs!. And was it all worthwhile? Well, he slept comfortably through the night, woke up this morning in a nice dry bed - thanks to a nappy which most definitely wasn't dry!

So, I've thankfully overcome the bed wetting problem and have decided to keep nappying him at night for now, but I am worried sick that this might lead to him relying on a nappy at night once again and therefore be undoing all his mum's painstaking hard work to get him dry at night. She could be understandably very angry with me and it could even spoil our friendship.

Please tell me if you think I've handled the situation as well as I could - and give me any advice or better ideas you may have. I am so worried about telling this little boy's mum that I've been putting him back in a nappy, but I just don't know what else I could have done. I'm desperate for reassurance!

Many thanks.

Morning,

This is so unfair, you poor thing. Sleep distruption is horrible and when it isn't even your own child of course you'll be irritated. I'm sure the mum will realise her email was unfair when she stops to think about the situation!!!

Was just thinking about the nappy rash/redness issue. My daughter is 2yrs and 8 months and has been dry day and night for a few months now. However she has a horrible tummy bug with diarrhoea and I was able to persuade her that pull-ups were necessary to stop her bed getting messed up at night if she couldn't stop he poo coming. She is the most stubborn, 'do it all by myself' 'I'm a big girl' child I've met but I was able to reason with her that sometimes even big girls need pull-ups in these circumstances? Could you go down a similar route with him? Show him redness, explain when we miss someone it's tricky to not wet bed so pull ups are fine for all big boys when they are not at home with their mummy?

If not and the terry nappies are the only option and the redness continues I always found the yellow metanium to be very effective at clearing it up?
Good luck, I hope he settles down and you and he get more sleep.

Hi WGT. Thanks for your kind and supportive words.Unfortunately, having made every effort to persuade him to wear a sposie or pull-up, terries are my only means of nappying him, thanks to the novelty value of how we can magic some pants out of the terry squares. After a week and a half 'though the novelty does seem to be wearing off as he's been quite difficult to have his nappy on in the last couple of days. Last night in particular it took an age and I only achieved it when he'd become too sleepy to object. I'll soldier on with terries, as they are coping well and have not leaked at all despite some extremely wet nights. I must confess that I'm already fed up with washing and drying nappies and am also worrying myself senseless that his soreness doesn't clear up before his mum returns. Is a glass of Pino and a ciggie mid morning really too naughty?!!!

Hehe! Very tempting.

I think you're doing a fab job and the terry nappy idea was inspired, they are so aware of not being a baby at this age. It was definitely the right call. I was just thinking that pull-ups may be more appealing now that he can see what's going on? The other option I would have suggested was getting his mum to explain it's ok (but that seems unlikely)
I swear by the yellow metanium though, that and the plenty of fresh air (bit nippy for that at the moment though!)

Hi WGT! yes I felt pretty smug the first night I persuaded him to have a terry on - especially before his pj's went on, seeing him standing there proudly in just a big nappy and plastic pants, fully believing he'd convinced me not to nappy him! I did think that upon finding it's wet every morning he might suspect what's actually going on, but I just quietly take it off in a very matter of fact way without making a fuss about it and he just looks at it as if it's "just one of those things". He's so gullible that it's working a treat....but should I be feeling as awfully mean about it as I am?
Just over a week to go now, so I think it's sensible to stick with what I'm using. I don't want to risk upsetting a fairly successful routine. Do you agree with that?

Many thanks for your help, it's getting me through a very difficult time. x

I am very at your friend claiming that you are not trying hard enough
If it was a case of the hard work of the parents, my DC would definitely be dry at night (and they are both older than your charge)
No suggestions really, I just hope that your friend's irrationality is due to her being so far away and missing her boy.

I said it before but think it bears repeating - it would be far, far meaner to let him wake in a wet, cold, stinky bed every morning than to put a nappy on him. He'll wee anyway, he's obviously either just had a fluke few weeks of being dry at night or has had a pretty normal regression caused either by hormones or the massive disruption to his life. So the nappy keeps him happy, comfortable and clean. Lesser of two evils and all that

Also, it's a damned sight easier to launder a nappy than it is to do an entire bed and set of pyjamas every morning, not to mention what it'll do to your mattress and duvet!

She thinks YOU aren't making enough effort????!!!!

FFS, there are these wonderful inventions called airplanes which fly people around the world, and you know what? They allow CHILDREN on board! I don't care what type of bloody bereavement it is, she had the option of taking her 3 year old son with her to New Zealand and chose not to.

She should be eternally grateful that you were there to look after her son, not to get all uptight about bloody nappy training!

And I say this as a mother who has travelled to Australia numerous times with a child, INCLUDING for a family bereavement.

I am just so upset on your behalf, op!

Definitely stick with it if it's working. Don't beat yourself up at all. You have been amazing and I would be more than happy if it was my child.

X

Yes, I also think it's a bit odd that all the discussion has centred on nappy advice - although I know that's more or less what OP was asking. This poor little boy has been left for 3 weeks while his parents are on the other side of the world...what were they thinking??

Toilet training is the least of his problems. I cannot imagine leaving a 3 year old with anyone for that length of time (sorry, OP) and I cannot imagine why anyone would take it on without considering the impact on the child.

I grew up in the bad old days when parents weren't allowed to be with their sick children in hospital - something we now know was utterly cruel. Ok, the OP is a friend, but she isn't one of his main carers - what must he be feeling?

What would have happened if the OP hadn't agreed to have him?

Hi! I think some clarification is needed here. Rather than agreeing to have the child, I actually made the original suggestion as a helpful gesture, albeit rightly or wrongly. If in doing so I have created a bad situation, then I'm sorry. My OP was indeed relating to nappy matters, simply because that was a problem which had manifested itself and was, and still is, causing me considerable worry and concern. The child seems completely content in my care otherwise and unfortunately the night time bladder control was an unanticipated problem when his stay with us was agreed.
It is something which, with the kind help of mn's, I am managing to cope with and accept that I haven't been able to prevent the matter from causing me considerable stress.
Hope this explains well enough!

Hope this explains well enough!

You don't have to justify yourself. The child is being well cared for by you.

Lots of children get packed off to relatives they barely know for long periods, especially during school holidays. It isn't a major concern and certainly shouldn't be equated with children being left in hospital being cared for by large numbers of strangers for long periods while often undergoing traumatic or unpleasant treatment.

Thank you so much for this - some swift reassurance was just the tonic I needed!

The PP wasn't criticising you, she said "what were they thinking?" not "what were you thinking?" I thought the post was quite clear that the criticism was summed at the parents.

The fact you offered rather than were asked is immaterial, they chose to say yes.

aimed at the parents.

Not sure I'd be kind enough to make it for a 3 week stay but I can see myself making simialr offers, actually - a good friend has a dilemma, I would suggest a potential solution which involves me looking after their child for them for a while (i've been known to have my own toddler and someone else's for a few hours when they've got work and no childcare, for example) and a friend of mine had ds for a few days so I could go on a work trip ILs were away, my parents aren't well enough to cope that long, a group of young people wouldn't have got to go if I hadn't due to lack of staff.

It's not the sort of offer many people would actually agree to though! And I would only leave my child if I completely trusted that person to act in his best interests even if they took different decisions to ones I'd make in the same circumstances.

Nothing here points to the child in question getting anything other than love, attention and everything else the OP can provide - you wouldn't be tying yourself in knots over it if you didn't care, after all, OP!

I have only just seen this.

Even if you offered, you are doing a a amazing thing having someone else's child for 3 weeks, particularly a 3yo.

I am fairly stunned that your friend has expressed disappointment. I can understand slightly the 'wish he was still dry' feeling but in the circumstances it is understandable that he isn't. And to say that you've not tried hard enough is downright cheeky.

That said, if she is bereaved it is likely she is very stressed herself and not handling things as well as normal, hence voicing the unreasonable thoughts rather than quashing them.

Well done OP, you're doing brilliantly. I hope the remainder of his stay with you is positive.

relatives they barely know for long periods, especially during school holidays. It isn't a major concern and certainly shouldn't be equated with children being left in hospital being cared for by large numbers of strangers

First, I doubt this - how many parents pack their children off to relatives "they barely know", for long periods? You, as an adult, may think there's a huge difference between that and a hospital stay without parents, but a 3 year old doesn't necessarily see the difference.

My post was certainly not a criticism of the OP - the parents are the ones whose judgment I question.

However, as a parent of four myself, I couldn't have left any of mine for three weeks with a friend at that age - because I know how upsetting that would have been for the child - and by the same token, I'd have been extremely reluctant to have someone else's child. I would expect the child to be upset by the separation.

The fact that the child seems fine at the moment means nothing. The reason I mentioned hospital stays was that back then, medical staff thought it would "unsettle" children to have parents visit, and they invariably reported that the child had been fine in their care. However, when the child went home, parents would expect a reaction - bed-wetting, crying, clinginess etc. I assume this will happen in the case of this little boy and I hope the parents are more understanding than their attitude suggests.

babyboomer, if you want to start a debate comparing leaving a three year old with a family friend and the old practice of preventing parents from being with them when they are undergoing treatment in hospital, perhaps you should start a new thread.

The OP started this one to ask advice about and support for managing this LO's bedwetting issues, not a critique on her friend's parenting decisions.

Ok, Goldmandra I'll stick to what you think we should be discussing.

OP said Just over a week to go now, so I think it's sensible to stick with what I'm using. I don't want to risk upsetting a fairly successful routine. Do you agree with that?

Yes, OP, I do.

Hi BBR. You do make some valid points, some of which may manifest themselves with this dc - but let's hope not.
To keep this thread on the rails, how about giving your opinion on whether I'm doing the right thing putting him to bed in a nappy - and would you just ignore his mum's adverse reaction to that and not let it worry you?
The fact is, that is the predicament I've had to deal with - and that's all I was really sending out a cry for help over. I get the feeling you can probably make a very learned and valid contribution to helping cope with these things, which would be much appreciated!

grant10 - I just did (see post above yours). I think you should continue to do what you're doing nappy-wise.

As for your friend's reaction - I'm nonplussed, to be honest. I just can't visualise a scenario where someone would show such scant concern for her 3 year old's welfare (I am sure you're a lovely, kind, generous person or you wouldn't have offered, but that isn't the point - you're not a primary carer to this little boy and he is not in the habit of staying with you) and then have the bloody nerve to criticise the care he's given by the person who's looking after him.

So, I wouldn't give a damn about her reaction, no. My only concern would be the child. I'd do what was necessary for him to feel as safe, comfortable and secure as possible and I would never do it again.

If she attempt to criticise you again, ignore it. It doesn't sound like much of a friendship to me (on her side).

Oh, and excuse typos!

So curious, keep reading the terms DS and DH etc. What does this stand for? Re your problem, sounds to me you are a marvelous friend she is lucky to have, you are doing the best you can.

Oh, and excuse typos!....you're forgiven - it's your views which are important to me. As you suggest, I'm doing my very best to ignore the mu's reaction to the decision I've taken. I also feel that our friendship as we knew it, is now probably over, which is a great shame as this has been brought about by my willingness to be helpful. That being the case, we'll have taken the issue of toilet training to a whole new level.
I could never have envisaged that one simple gesture of mine could take me to the absolute limit of worry and stress. It's a fricking nightmare, but I feel I should try my level best to ditch the night nappies before his mum's return. I have just over a week to achieve it, but he's still wet every morning - so maybe I shouldn't worry about it and just leave things as they are?
Thanks for your support.

ds, dh etc - my understanding is that these mean dear/darling son and husband etc. That's what I mean when using them......but maybe I'm wrong?