Impossible dilemma - am I doing the right thing?....Help please!

[grant10]

I'm extremely concerned about how I should deal with an unexpected problem I have with my best friend's 3yo son, who I am looking after for 3+ weeks while she is away in New Zealand due to a family bereavement. Staying with us was considered to be the perfect solution, as he's spent lots of time at our home, is very familiar with us all and loves playing with my own 4yo son.
His first night with us was last Thursday and he slept right through with no problems. However, the next night at about 11pm I could hear that he was awake and clearly upset so quickly went upstairs to try and settle him back down - only to discover that he had wet the bed and was shivering uncomfortably in wet pj's. Fortunately I had put a waterproof under-sheet on the bed, so quickly had him comfortable and dry again. As he's been dry at night for several months now, I passed this incident off as simply unlucky and probably a result of him feeling a bit unsettled while not being in his own home and bed. While this may well be the reason, the problem continues, with a wet bed on both the following two nights. I'm running out of ideas, as on both those nights I took him to the toilet for a wee before going to bed myself - and I also avoided giving him a drink near to his bed-time. Above all, it is preventing him from having a good nights sleep and upsetting him.

As him mum put so much time and effort in to getting him dry at night, the very last thing I wanted to resort to was nappies, but something had to be done as I couldn't cope with three weeks of bed wetting and I'd exhausted all other options I could think of. Having decided there was no alternative to a nappy, I thought it sensible to at least avoid the suggestion to him of having a nappy on for bed, so instead referred to it just as "big boys' bed-time pants". This idea seemed to be working well, but only until he saw me unfolding a disposable ready for him - then all hell let loose....a very grumpy and upset boy, who clearly had no doubt about what was about to go on his bottom! I was by now at my wit's end and desperate to find a way to take him up to bed feeling relaxed, happy, and above all, in a nappy. Terries to the rescue!!...and thankfully I'd kept everything required from when my ds was last in nappies. I was certain he'd never experienced wearing a terry nappy before, so was hopeful that he could be cleverly persuaded to try on some "really special pants for bed-time" Woohoo!....it worked a treat - and to my relief he was almost excited to see how I could magic a couple of terry squares to become some pants for him. He was even more intrigued by the two nappy pins that I'd explained were needed to help make his pants! He was so fascinated and engrossed in the whole procedure that he was quite oblivious to me putting a boosted nappy on him, complete with plastic pants, with no more than a minor protest when he realised he could no longer close his legs!. And was it all worthwhile? Well, he slept comfortably through the night, woke up this morning in a nice dry bed - thanks to a nappy which most definitely wasn't dry!

So, I've thankfully overcome the bed wetting problem and have decided to keep nappying him at night for now, but I am worried sick that this might lead to him relying on a nappy at night once again and therefore be undoing all his mum's painstaking hard work to get him dry at night. She could be understandably very angry with me and it could even spoil our friendship.

Please tell me if you think I've handled the situation as well as I could - and give me any advice or better ideas you may have. I am so worried about telling this little boy's mum that I've been putting him back in a nappy, but I just don't know what else I could have done. I'm desperate for reassurance!

Many thanks.

I'll say it again, there is no work involved with getting them dry at night.

They either have the hormone or they don't.

A few weeks dry does not a success story make.

Cloth nappy stuff has moved on a bit since the days of plastic pants and pins - I've got a spare nappy nippa and a PUL wrap that might fit (is huge on my average sized 2yo, and we use a different system anyway). Drop me a pm if you want them :)

3 weeks is a bloody MASSIVE favour, anything less than grovelling gratitude and copious and would have me rethinking the friendship!

Re sore bum - metanium is good with cloth, and chop up a bit of fleece into rectangles to line the nappy. It wicks the moisture away from the skin (or if you want my bits in my post above, I'll pop a couple in for you!)

Purplepidjin, that's a really kind offer, thanks. I know the nappy system I'm using on him is quite outdated, but it's what I luckily had available to use at unexpectedly short notice and the terries have actually done a great job up to now. He's fascinated that his "pants" are put on with pins and with no refusal so far I'll keep using them! To help keep him feeling dry as long as possible I'm boosting the nappy with another one pad folded, which does make it rather bulky and was a bit of a shock for him at first I think, having only ever worn sposies before. He really is being so good about it all for me though, bless him. I'm using the cream you suggested on his bottom, but do you think it's ok to to let him go right through the night without a change?
I know I'm probably worrying unnecessarily about all this, but it really has stressed me out immensely - and having given them up over a year ago have now even turned to a cigarette to help me through the worry. And to think this is all over nothing more than flipping nappies. This has been one seriously big mistake I think.

Thanks so much again for your support.

Personally I would say letting him wake up every night in a cold, scared, wet and in a less-familiar place would be a bigger "mistake" than using a nappy. It's a bit of a difficult choice though as you're trying to second guess what his parents would do. But I wouldn't say you're wrong to do as you're doing.

If you're happy with what you're using then that's fine, just thought I might be able to make it easier for you

DS can go 14 hours in a bamboo fitted with wool trousers over the top. If you've got some scrap fleece, or can buy a cheap blanket from somewhere, cut it into rectangles wide enough and long enough to cover the inside of the nappy (mine are about 12"x7" I think?) and that will wick the moisture away from his skin. Any cheapie fleece will do, I have an Ikea blanket that cost £2 :o

Hi again PurplePidjin. I just wanted to say that your kind offer to send me those things was greatly appreciated and please don't think I was being ungrateful in saying I'll stick with what I already have. To explain, I had to coax him so delicately to have a nappy on in the first place, that I'd prefer not to risk introducing anything different whatsoever to the routine now.
In fact my sister called round tonight just as I was about to take him up to bed - and he insisted on pulling his pj's down to show her his special pants, proudly pointing to his pins....a very unexpected and unusual fashion show! I just wish the nappy could come off in the morning as dry as when it went on, but I guess what will be, will be?

Thanks so much again for your generous offer.

It's fine - go with what you know and what works! I decided to go with cloth before ds was born and my mum/MIL/other rellies were horrified. Until they saw my pretty patterns and colours that fasten with velcro/poppers and go on as easily as a disposable. If I'd had the choice between terry squares/rubber pants or sposies I'd have gone for the ease of sposies

How long have you got till his parents get back? I had The Guilt leaving my 2yo with a (very good, very experienced) friend for 3 whole nights so I could go on a work thing, let alone three weeks to the other side of the world; the gratitude I felt was immense that someone was prepared to do that for me. So I sort of kind of know how it is from the other side - and I would be happy for the person looking after my child to do what they though was best. Otherwise, I wouldn't trust them to look after him in the first place

Hi again PP - and thanks again for taking the time and trouble to send me more kind support and advice. The first night that I decided he couldn't go to bed without a nappy on, I did try both the sposies and pull-up options with him, but he got he got very upset about the idea of wearing either of them. I didn't force the issue for fear of causing him to be anxious or unsettled - and then as a last resort thought it would be worth introducing terries etc to him, but as special bedtime pants rather than anything to do with a nappy. Thank goodness it worked - and still is now! His parents are away for almost two more weeks yet, which will seem like an eternity I think.
I'm sorry to say things have gone very downhill today, as I've had an email from his mum admitting her disappointment that I'm putting her ds in a nappy for bed and suggesting I'm taking the easy route. I'm so deeply upset about this - and very angry too, as I do so believe that I did every thing possible to avoid nappies - and let's be honest, would anyone really want to be dealing with wet nappies every morning if it could actually be avoided?
Then to cap it all, tonight I had my first battle to put his nappy on. He "helped" me to fold it ready for him as usual, which seems to keep him nicely preoccupied, but then resisted really strongly to being laid down to have it on. After lots of persuasion he eventually cooperated, but I could really have done without the battle and of course throughout it couldn't stop thinking that his mum would be angry that I was putting a nappy on him at all. I honestly feel like whatever I do isn't right, but surely napying him is the right thing? He's wet every bloody morning, for God's sake.
This has turned out to be a massive mistake for me, I'm on edge all the time and feeling shattered due to not sleeping well with it on my mid so much. I sit up 'til goodness knows what time in the small hours thinking about how I could handle it better. Thank goodness I can communicate with understanding people like you about it - I do apologise for it.

Wow. I was going to post to suggest that the 'disappointment' you'd heard in her voice was perhaps guilt that you were having to deal with this/that her son was unsettled - but clearly not. TBH I'm a little shocked that she has sent this email, but she must be in bits at being apart from her son for so long and i guess it's an emotional time for her.

I have to say that by the time ds was this age I used to put his nappies on while he was standing up! is that possible?

OP, easy for me to say but please forget about feeling guilty and stressed to the point that you are back on the cigarettes.

Your friend is obviously going through a difficult period herself, but in time she will (should) be very grateful to you for looking after her son (nappy at night or not).

Her poor little DS is probably wetting again at night because he is a little anxious about his DM being away. He will readjust and not to be wet at night in time. Your friend should realise that these things always backfire with children the more you try to force them.

FWIW you are an absolutely great friend. She should treasure you!

I too was shocked to receive such an email and I think our friendship is now being severely tested.

I have to put a terry on him, as he won't accept a sposie or pull-up 'cause he sees those as being nappies....but is convinced a terry is something much more special just for big boys that don't have a nappy any more! (That was my explanation to him - and thankfully he fell for it!) He needs the nappy to be well boosted and therefore needs to be laying down for me to pin it all on well enough. He's been very good about it mostly, until tonight when he just didn't want to have it put on - but we got there in the end!

You are doing a great job, again don't worry. Tell him he is like Tarzan (Disney cartoon available if you feel so inclined) regarding the terries.

There are so many people whose own families wouldn't do / be in a position to do what you are doing.

Tarzan - what a great idea! Best suggest that before the plastic pants go on I reckon!

Something to laugh about at last.

As PP have said, there is no such thing as training a child to be dry at night. It's hormonal.

Perhaps if you read up on it you can reassure yourself that the child either produces the anti-diuretic hormone or he doesn't . Much like elderly people who stop producing the hormone and wake during the night for a wee , and no-one "trains them" out of it either.

The child is understandably stressed at being separated from his main carer. Just keep reassuring him and talking about her. Give him a photo of her that he can hold and look at whenever he wants. And do whatever it takes so that you all get a good sleep.

Hi OP another one here thinking you are doing your absolute best, and surprised by his Mum's disappointment. I'm not entirely sure what she is expecting, and you could be handling things differently. Perhaps when she returns you could show her this thread?

You know what OP you are an amazing friend. I don't know many people any that would take in such a young child for such a long period of time whatever the circumstances.

I think the Mum is probably stressed to the max right now and maybe you were the one that got vented out via email and hopefully she will realise how lucky she is to have a friend like you no matter the situation with the terry cloth.

I am also a big believer that the bed wetting is a symptom of the little one's stress that Mum is away and he is in unfamiliar surroundings. I know you have had him before but he won't be used to not seeing his parents for so long and night time will be the most stressful for him I am sure.

My daughter wet herself quite a lot at 2.5yrs even though she had been dry day and night for six months and that was because we were moving and she found it very stressful. It happens.

Sorry, should say how you should be handling things differently.

tjsclothnappies.co.uk/index.php?route=product/product&path=59_70&product_id=799

Found it! You could use one of these instead of the rubber pants for the full Tarzan effect

Thanks for the link PP, the Tarzan pants look great! Not sure if delivery would be swift enough to justify ordering, but luckily I've had no problems using traditional pull-on plastic pants over his nappy up to now and as a back up I do have some which fasten at the sides with poppers. As I've said, on the whole he has been quite accepting of the night nappy routine and it's me that is stressing about it. I have even more to worry about now 'though, as this morning when taking his nappy off I noticed areas of redness on the inside of his legs. It's where the bulk of the nappy sits, so there's nothing I can do to prevent further contact. When I covered the areas with Sudacreme it made him wince, so it's obviously quite sore for him. To make matters even worse, he told me he doesn't want to have the "pants" on for bedtime any more, which suggests tonight I may have a real problem getting his nappy on, which is simply not an option and a huge worry for me. Oh - and just for good measure, dp is washing his hands of it all, saying I brought it all on myself by offering to have the child to stay with us in the first place, so I've nobody here to confide in about it all now.
It really is becoming all too much for me and I'm feeling like there's no way to turn. I honestly feel very tearful now, but I guess I'm just being stupid and not able to cope? I really am dreading nappy time tonight - and then in the morning I'll dread taking it off in case the soreness has worsened. I fear his mum's going to lose it big time with me on her return. OMG! :(

You poor thing. This is causing you a huge amount of stress and all because you are helping a friend. Firstly, as hard as it is, you have to ignore the email from your friend; as others have said, she is obviously very stressed and you are the person who is taking the brunt of it.
I can't see any other options I'm afraid so what you are doing seems like the most sensible approach. Lots of Sudocreme & maybe changing him before you go to bed if the nappy is wet.
Remember that you are doing a wonderful thing that most other people wouldn't do.

You are doing an amazing thing, I can't imagine many people would have done this.

Night dryness is hormonal, as others have said. Ignore the mum's huffiness, she is in no position to have an opinion on how you are looking after her child - you are doing a brilliant job.

I'm surprised at the Sudocrem love on here though - it didn't help DD at all. The only thing that kept her bum in good condition was Bepanthan.

Just remember that there would be something wrong if a 3yo didn't react in some way to being separated from their main carer.

Yep, ignore the email. Mum is most likely feeling horrifically guilty at leaving her son, and at burdening you with his care which has turned out to be far harder (in her mind) than she'd hoped. You're doing your absolute best - far far beyond what most of us could cope with - and the lad is safe, warm, fed and loved. As mipmop said, it would be surprising if he didn't react somehow!

Make sure the wrap is tucked well up into his knicker line so that the fabric against his legs is smooth PUL rather than rough terry. Alternatively it might be the wraps are a bit tight on him, does it look like a sock mark? You can use fleece as a cover for cloth nappies, so if you can get to a Primark they were doing fleece pyjamas for about £4 recently. Waitrose bottom butter is lovely i use it on my hands as well as ds's bum and much more moisturising than sudocrem. Oats and/or a couple of chamomile teabags in the bath are lovely on dry skin

Oh yeah - pour yourself a big, congratulatory or tipple of your choice after bedtime tonight!

Hi PP. I will indeed try to ignore that email, but right now that's rather easier said than done. Deep down I'm beginning to feel a bit resentful of the db, which I know is really awful, but I just can't help it. I mustn't let my feelings affect the way I am towards him, although as I'd suspected might happen tonight, my patience was tested to the limit when it took goodness knows how long to get him nappied. After repeated refusals I could feel myself becoming quite angry, so put him into bed without one and read to him until he was sleepy enough for me to get it done without any fuss. By the time I'd got his nappy on and settled him down, I'm sure I was more tired than him. To be honest, I'm fucking exhausted....and don't know how I'll cope with any repeats of tonight. I really do feel so alone in this, with no help at all from anyone with it. For that reason the contact and help from you and the other mn's is a real lifeline for me, and I thank you so much.
Incidentally, the soreness on his legs does have the appearance of a sock mark, so tonight I've used a wrap that secures at the sides with poppers and is a bit looser around his legs, so fingers crossed. As someone has already suggested, perhaps I should bite the bullet and change his nappy in the night if it's wet when I check him. What do you think?
Thanks again. x

toddlers are exhausting, and I've worked up to mine from the baby stage - you've just dived straight in! get on your local fb selling sites and ask about playgroups - he gets to run around and you get a hot and probably some hero worship from the other parents