so what do I say to my nearly six year old when she says 'nobody will play with me'?

[NomNomDePlum]

DD (5) told me at bedtime that nobody in her class will play with her except this one boy (who I think is also a kid they won't play with). i suggested she just try talking to them and she said they just make stupid noises at her when she does. i sort of know there are these issues, eg we were at the swimming pool at the weekend and a little girl from her class arrived. dd was really pleased and wanted to play with her, but the other girl switched to the other pool as soon as she realised dd was there. i hadn't really realised that dd was feeling it so keenly, but she has been getting upset about things for the last week, so i think she is now really picking it up.

i know i can't really do anything about the behaviour, it's not directly bullying as such, but my heart is breaking for my poor dd and i guess i am just wondering if anyone has any advice on how dp and i can support her at home, what to say (since 'they're just horrible little gits' doesn't seem very constructive).

we are taking her to see a child psychologist in a couple of weeks to have her assessed, she has trouble focusing at times and we want to make sure we aren't missing anything she could be helped with, but in the interim, i would appreciate any advice, because she really sounded like she wanted me to tell her what to do when she told me, and i don't actually know.

Oh that is so tough. Does she have other friends through you, maybe some friends she has had since baby groups etc? Or cousins that she has known since tiny? If so, see if you can get them over and build up her confidence with people who she knows. I think it helps DC to know that school isn't the only source of companionship.

she has a cousin about her age who comes round sometimes, a boy from her class who goes to the same child minder and is happy to play with her out of school but won't talk to her at school (i had put this down to the unspoken rules about playing with boys/girls, but maybe not). she goes to a music class on saturdays that she seems to like, but i don't know if that's because it's fun or because of the other children. she has an after-school activity that some children from her class go to, and they blank her there too.

crap.

You need to go in and speak to the teacher. There's lots of things that can be done in school, like friendship groups, talking about friendship in circle time, etc. it may also help you get an insight into why this is happening.

Agree with add about building her confidence with outside activities, I'd also see if there are any groups within school where she could meet children from outwith her class.

But you also need school to take action, as really, this is bullying in my book.

Have you spoken to her teacher? Perhaps they could help with any issues/ideas. (Ds1 not quite school age yet but I dread this sort of thing!)

yes, i think the teacher is the next stop. i am really worried about it affecting her confidence.

Poor little love :(

It's not uncommon at this age, it's just heartbreaking to hear.

If you are being totally objective (not easy I know) can you think of any particular reason why they might be leaving her out like this? If you can then that's something you can start with...

Make an apt to see her teacher, hopefully they can shed some light on it and offer some solutions.

Sometimes children this age who really really really want to play with others just come on a bit strong and don't see how this puts other children off. It's so hard to explain that concept to children though, so most schools now have a 'Friends Bench' or 'Play Circle' or whatever, somewhere any child can go that wants someone to play with them and then another child goes and asks them to play/join in with their game.

Have you tried asking some of the children home to play/have tea afterschool? If you work full time this isn't so easy, but maybe you could invite one to play at the weekend.

Is there something DD is allowed to take to school that might help? Something not too precious, just in case it's lost or whatever... a ball, skipping rope (though you need to check,some schools allow them, some don't), even loom bands. Just something she can play with but others can join in too.

I had a similar issue last year with my DD, who was almost 5 at time. She was/is shy and a bit introverted but that wasn't the issue. The problem was a combination of teacher and children, though I believe the kids could have been provided with better direction from the teacher. As soon as we switched, she underwent a transformation. The teacher made a huge difference on the kids and in turn DD. She was happy and joyful again. (Her new teacher told us that for the first month in her class, DD would write "mean girls" in her notebook and duck when she passed by the other class). I also agree that playdates with one or two of the kids may also help as she would then have established relationships in class. I know your heart is breaking as mine was last year, but hopefully, if you even change the class it may solve the problem. Who knew little kids could be mean!!

Don't wait to ask the teacher, and do follow up on your meeting. The teacher should be able to help very much at this age. Also, the teacher should be able to suggest a few children that might get on best with your daughter, and you could invite them over to play at your house.