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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Ds, 8 spends every school day alone

26 replies

nethunsreject · 26/10/2014 21:39

Out with classes. No one plays with him. Small school so he knows everyone and they are mainly nice kids, but he's desperately unhappy.
First two years of school he was so, so happy. It's gradually changed since. I talked to the school last year, lots promised, nothing happened. I don't expect them to make people play with him but he is a sorry soul to see. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in middle of nowhere and not well. Offered to send him to the other school nearby and he's adamant about not going there.
What do I do? I am so sad for him. He is a friendly wee boy. I don't like seeing him distressed :-(

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claraschu · 27/10/2014 03:44

Oh I am so sorry; that sounds really hard. I would try talking to his teacher and following up on it. The school should be taking this seriously and doing a lot to make sure he is happy.

I would also ask the teacher which kids he is likely to get along with and I would invite them over repeatedly until one of them becomes a friend. This would also give you a chance to see how DS interacts with school mates, and maybe you would get a few ideas of things he can do to improve his social skills. If you are not well, this might be hard, but maybe you can do something very simple.

I wouldn't listen if he doesn't want you to talk to the teacher; in fact, I might not tell him at all as kids can get worried about things like this.

JugglingChaotically · 27/10/2014 05:56

Had this when DD2's friend left.
I did lots and lots of play dates.
Also arranged and offered lift shares to everything I could think of.
Most are happy to do it as we all have to run around so much these days.
More mixing opportunities and always arriving with others.

Gradually and eventually it worked.
By 9/10 it was sorted! So glad I did as DD v happy now. (Put me out of my comfort zone too but worth it!)

PureMorning · 27/10/2014 06:33

I had the same and moved my ds. He was reluctant but once we got the other school place and had a look round he came round

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 10:03

Thanks all for your suggestions and sharing of stories, it makes me feel better hearing how others have got through it!

My difficulty is that the school is miles away and I don['t drive, so I rarely do the school run, etc, which would have helped matters I think, re playdates etc etc. I've also recently had a breakdown and am struggling to talk to my friends, let alone acquaintances; naturally this isn't helpind ds! I really want to mve him to the other school as it is about 500 yards away and I could do things like hang at the school gates and see who he plays with. Plus when I'm well I could be a parent helper etc. WHere the current school is now, this is impossible really : (.

In the meantime, I need to get him through this term/year and persuade him to change schools, which is no mean feat. The thing is, the kids at the school beside us are the ones he plays with at home, so it seems like a great solution all round to me, but he admits he is terrified of change and any mention of a change just sends him into a screaming crying fit which goes on for hours!

Oh god, whis parenting so bloody hard.

I'm off to phone his school this morning. DOn't know what to say but hhis teacher is lovely. Hope I don't burst into tears!!

Thanks again

OP posts:

marmaladegranny · 27/10/2014 10:13

Has he actually visited the local school and seen how it works? If not it would probably be worth arranging that with Head Teacher - so often it's the fear of the unknown that's the problem. Obviously it would make your life so much easier if he were at school locally and that will reflect on him.

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 10:17

He hasn't yet, marmalade. Yes, that makes sense! I am going to visit it in a few weeks so will ask the HT then. I plan to send his younger brother there next year when he is 5. It's so close that they could come home for lunch most days if they wanted to! Or go to their granny's if I'm working. It'd be really handy. I'd also feel more relaxed knowing they weren't going off in the taxi or bus every morning. I know they are perfectly safe but it's not the same as walking them along a little tree lined lane!

OP posts:

Mintyy · 27/10/2014 10:24

What has changed this year op? Is it bullying or ... ? do you have any idea what is going on?

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 10:44

Hi, it's more that he's being ignored. He can be annoying at times and doesn't always pick up on subtler social clues as quickly as his peers, but I watch him with other kids and he plays enthusiastically and kindly. There are a couple of kids in the neighbourhood who call in for him all the time, so I guess he must be fun sometimes : ) H and I suspect he is on the AS at the less-affected end, he certainly ticks many boxes. He's also a sensitive wee guy and gets upset easily, but he is full of enthusiasm and joy most of the time. He's very like I was as a kid and I think that worries me as my school years were torment save for sixth form.

OP posts:

jeee · 27/10/2014 10:46

I just want to say - if you burst into tears when you're talking to his teacher, don't worry. It's normal. She won't think any the less of you for it.

Original poster

nethunsreject · 27/10/2014 10:58

Thanks : )

OP posts:

claraschu · 27/10/2014 18:14

At this age, I really think you should just move him to the closer school and not take his protests too seriously. He isn't really the person who should be making this choice. If you look at this in a simple way: he isn't happy at his current school, and he has friends at the closer school. His only reason to want to stay at the current school is a very natural fear of the unknown.

I had a similar sort of change to make in my son's life when he was 8; I agonised for ages, but in the end, it was easy and definitely the right thing to do. Despite his worry and fear, he was much happier. I think kids this age are often incapable of imagining an alternative to the life they know, even if that life isn't particularly happy.

BananaRaces · 27/10/2014 18:23

I had a very similar experience as a small child in school and I can remember vividly my parents asking me whether I wanted to change schools and me emphatically telling them "No!"

I was very unhappy in my school and looking back I think moving schools would have been by far the best idea. But at the time I felt that the problem was with me and I would just have the same problems in any school, and that it was a "better the devil you know" situation.

I don't know if this helps, I just wanted to share this in case it might.

starlight1234 · 27/10/2014 18:29

I agree with what others have said. It isn't really for him to decide. You sometimes have to do what is best for the child even when they don't know it.

PhoebeMcPeePee · 27/10/2014 18:55

Move him - this sounds like prime example of parents knowing best & needing to override child's wishes.

If you have another child starting the local school next year I would tell DS you can't juggle 2 schools so he will definitely be moving schools but it's up to him whether he wants to get the move done sooner rather than later but no matter what, he will be moving schools.

divorcedtobe · 27/10/2014 23:36

Am in similar position and DS is also 8. It is terrible. Just thinking of my baby with no one to play with is painful beyond words. He is tearful when telling me and last year completely broke down and told me how sad he is at break times. First I knew it was so bad. Have younger one at same school that if the older one changed school would be very upset. Trying to be encouraging but I'm not there in the playgroup at the end of the day.

Move your DS now before you have two school runs. It'll be nice starting a new school with his sibling there and the real reason for the move need not be brought up. New starts can be good.

I will be reading any advice given to you as I am heartbroken and at a loss too.

ExsqueezeMe · 28/10/2014 00:02

I was your DS. There were only 9 other girls in my class at school and I didn't click with any of them. I was lonely and it knocked my confidence massively. I had no problems at secondary school or college, so I know it wasn't me as such, that school just wasn't a good fit for me. I would consider moving him.

ColdTeaAgain · 28/10/2014 00:12

It does sound as though changing to the closer school would be so much easier for your situation and this would most likely have a positive influence on him as you would be happier and more able to be involved with school.

I think I would work on bringing him round to the idea of moving schools.

queenceleste · 28/10/2014 00:16

Huge and massive empathy.
Ds had this in year 6, it was awful, the worst time of my life, his suffering really broke my heart. I did what I could but it was dreadful for him and unbearable for me.

If he has friends in a nearer school I would just move him asap but get the SENCOs involved for some transitional ritual advice to make it less intimidating for him.

I am a great believer in getting your child in a school nearby if at all possible/suitable. The benefits to the mother are huge and happier mother = happier child.

queenceleste · 28/10/2014 00:18

Also, empathy for your own health and happiness, parenting is brutal and really hard if you are low yourself. Try not to beat yourself up about it thought, it is so common, coming out the other side has to be easier if we don't beat ourselves up as well doesn't it?

sandgrown · 28/10/2014 00:19

Oh divorced to be I can feel your pain .Have you spoken to teacher? Could your son join any school clubs or be given a task like looking after a new child. How about joining something like cubs where he will make out of school friends and no doubt meet some people from school as well. My DGS plays football and most of his mates are from the team. Good luck xx

saintlyjimjams · 28/10/2014 00:22

I would think about moving him

DS2 was in a very small school. Years 5 & 6 were pretty miserable. He was like a different child when he went into secondary with a year group of nearly 200.

saintlyjimjams · 28/10/2014 00:23

Oh and he's year 8 now and still very happy. He sometimes talks about how much happier he is now.

DS3 is in the same small school, doing okay at the moment, but if we have a repeat I won't hesitate to pull him out.

Coolas · 28/10/2014 00:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbarianMum · 28/10/2014 10:45

In your situation I would move him. I can understand him being afraid of that change - it's a big one when your 8. But friendships are much easier to develop and maintain when you live close to the school and in a few years it means he'll have local friends to call on. And ultimately you are the parent. If you think it's right for him to move, then do it. Sounds like the current school is pretty useless.

mipmop · 28/10/2014 11:24

Assuming all goes well when you visit the school yourself, and you decide your younger child will enrol there for entry next year, you seem to have 3 options:
-deal with your children attending two different schools for the next however many years

enrol both children to attend the same school both starting next year, hope that the older child doesn't start enjoying his current school in the meantime
enrol the older child to start during this school year (assuming a place is available).

In the meantime, when you see children from the closer schools start positive conversations about the school. Keep it casual though. Good luck.

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