So disappointed in my dd

[Deckmyballs]

I realise I'm probably being terribly unreasonable so please go easy on me.

I can't help but be so cripplingly disappointed with my dd and the things that she does.

She is 3.10, due to start school in August next year and can't recognise any of the letters of the alphabet, numbers and only a few shapes despite all my efforts.

I also have a younger ds who gets it right while dd struggles on. It's almost does it on purpose? ds who has no issues doing this. In fact whenever we're playing games to guess these things my younger soars ahead.

Not just this but her behaviour is just awful. She wets her pant, even poos cries/screams whenever we have to do anything other than what she wants that exact moment. She goes to nursery but doesn't say hello or goodbye to the staff and I don't even know if she talks while there. They do a sticker incentive to show good behaviours and despite being there for 10 months she has only ever had 1. I see other kids coming out with them weekly! She can't write her name and refuses to listen long enough to try. Behaviour at home is a constant struggle! She never gets invited to parties or play dates. She puts on a ridiculous baby voice whenever anyone speaks to her...

The list is endless. I do feel like a horrible mother saying all these things buys rely this is not normal? I don't think she has any learning disabilities.

I think AndHarrys suggestions for meeting with the nursery are good ones.

Get as much rest as possible and be gentle with yourself and her.

I'd be really pissed off with the nursery, and would be speaking to them first!

Ds2 is nearly 5, he had a tantrum if asked to put his own socks on, gets up in the night, and only since he started school has he shown any interest in drawing or writing.

To be honest, I would do less activities with your DD and just let her knock about and play when you are at home together.

Please don't worry OP (says she who thought her DD1 would be behind as her school started a day later than other local primaries ).

My DD1 started school able to recognise and write her name (messily). She was nearly five and couldn't read, and indeed wasn't interested in reading. I really thought I had failed by not ensuring that she could read before she started school. Very, very stressed. I was being utterly ridiculous, of course, and am not pushing dd2 at all (same age as your dd1). Now in year 2, dd1 is the best reader in her class, she can spell, has very neat handwriting and is started to join up her letters.

I feel completely that I wasted some of dd2's nap times when dd1 was a toddler, when I should have been giving dd1 some attention, forcing her to work through a Jolly Phonics book.

a lot of kids are only developmentally ready for reading/writing when they are six. before then it is a waste of time and stressful. my eldest couldnt read til he was 6 then it 'clicked'. he is gifted/talented at secondary. not meant as a boast

Deckmy have you spoken to the nursery yet?

Regarding your comment about being in Scotland, isn't p1 the same as Reception in England? My dd started Reception at the age of 4 and recognising shapes, writing and recognising letters were taught in reception.

Wrt to the toilet accidents, she obv isn't ready to be out of nappies, so put her in them, or pull ups & that is one thing less to worry about.

In preschool & reception children are so different in their abilities. My July born DD was so much more ready for school (more advanced ) than my Sept born DD. But it really doesn't matter. Kids all learn at a different rates & in different rates. Don't put her off learning by forcing her. It will come.
Just let her play...time enough for all of that & it comes too soon
Try not to worry.

Deck - I do get some of where you are coming from.

Let the reading and writing thing go for now. I deliberately did not teach my dcs to read and write before they started school as I could do both and remember the crushing boredom as the rest of the class painstakingly sounded out each letter. Both children learned to read and write fine and those that came to school being able to do it were not ahead for long.

My dd can dominate the whole house with her behaviour and I know it is exhausting. Even now she is 10, she has ways of controlling what everyone does and it drives my demented. She too speaks in a baby voice at times.

I have come over the years to see that in part she does this to deal with her own feelings of frustration and inadequacy. Her brother is very bright (was at one point around 7 years ahead of his peers) and she is around average. The disparity between them is obvious and hurtful for dd. We don't point it out but it cannot be ignored as they are very close in age (1 school year apart) and she cannot even begin to understand some of the work he is doing. It sounds like your dd may feel the same (even at nearly 4).

We have tried to deal with this by finding things that dd can excel at and giving her as many opportunities as we can to do things that ds is not involved in so she cannot compare herself with him. They also go to different schools to avoid other people making comparissons. Is there anything you can do to make your dd feel special?

If her development is causing you concerns and you see differences from the development of other children please do talk to the nursery. And push for an assessment if need be.

Some.of the responses on this thread are disgusting.

It may be worth seeking professional assessments for you child however I tentatively would theorise that possibly you are subconsciously treating the younger child who has better developed cognitive skills differently. Your post suggests a concern about her cognitive abilities that is unfavorably comparing her to a younger sibling who seems quite bright. Nothing you say about your older child sounds really wrong for her age.
An older child will be very upset if they see their younger sibling achieving while they can't.

My DD is 11 now and she certainly could not write her name or read at 4 years old, she is now considered exceptionally bright.

Try to step back and reevaluate the important things.
Have you done stuff just for fun? Not testing maths, reading or writing, but just silly fun? What physical exercise do you all do together? can one of you take the children for a walk while the other catches up on sleep?

If she is demanding it may be she feels she is getting less attention, or perhaps she just is a bit emotionally under developed? Step back from "school" thinking and think about just spending time - can you find a card game or a young child's board game to play as a family?

See if you can find a way for her to express her feelings - the wetting suggests underlying anxieties that she is yet to work through.

It may also help you to read Tony Attwood's book on Aspergers - I am NOT suggesting your DD has Aspergers but Tony Attwood's books have a great section on anxiety, something most child development books don't cover well or google "child anxiety" for some tips.

You sound pretty drained and it is easy to lose perspective when you also have a younger child. Just to add to the personal experiences, my DS is now 9 and at 3 had just started Kindergarten in Germany and was by not even thinking about reading or writing until past 6. He did 2 years in German school from 6-8 and we have been at school in Scotland for a year-he is at the top end of the class for maths and pretty much middle for reading/spelling etc. At 3 he also still had the odd pee/poo accident at kindergarten which was treated as perfectly normal.
As you are in Scotland it is certainly worth looking at deferring school if you don't think she'll be ready-if her birthday is between sept and dec it is not automatic but is certainly possible- www.scotland.gov.uk/Publications/2012/05/7940/4
Good luck-there may be more problems, but do remember that she is still very little. You have got lots of time to see how she is as she gets older-I would guarantee though that she is not trying to annoy you on purpose.

My DS has always been top of the class (level 6 sats in year 6), he couldn't read or write before he went to school and wasn't potty trained until almost 4. Please don't be disappointed in your baby. She is 3.

I can really empathise with the sleep as DD didn't sleep well from the age of 2 until recently (nearly 4).Getting that sorted is your first priority. You and her must be exhausted. If you have tried everything speak to your dr and ask for an antihistamine prescription. My DD was so overtired she couldn't sleep and woke up screaming every night. Piriton for a week totally broke the cycle.

Calm down.

You sound obsessed with her achieving x y and z rather than enjoying her for what she can do.

She'll know you're disappointed, too. Stop it now. She's only human too...

Agree with Mavis. My DS is working at level 6 in year 6 and he had never held a pencil until he started school at 4.5.