So disappointed in my dd

[Deckmyballs]

I realise I'm probably being terribly unreasonable so please go easy on me.

I can't help but be so cripplingly disappointed with my dd and the things that she does.

She is 3.10, due to start school in August next year and can't recognise any of the letters of the alphabet, numbers and only a few shapes despite all my efforts.

I also have a younger ds who gets it right while dd struggles on. It's almost does it on purpose? ds who has no issues doing this. In fact whenever we're playing games to guess these things my younger soars ahead.

Not just this but her behaviour is just awful. She wets her pant, even poos cries/screams whenever we have to do anything other than what she wants that exact moment. She goes to nursery but doesn't say hello or goodbye to the staff and I don't even know if she talks while there. They do a sticker incentive to show good behaviours and despite being there for 10 months she has only ever had 1. I see other kids coming out with them weekly! She can't write her name and refuses to listen long enough to try. Behaviour at home is a constant struggle! She never gets invited to parties or play dates. She puts on a ridiculous baby voice whenever anyone speaks to her...

The list is endless. I do feel like a horrible mother saying all these things buys rely this is not normal? I don't think she has any learning disabilities.

I feel sorry for your dd.

You do realise that children going into school need to recognise their name not write it.

Have you had her hearing checked?

Also I read an article which said mums are harder on their daughters than their sons. This seems a classic example.

"I also have a younger ds who gets it right while dd struggles on. It's almost does it on purpose? ds who has no issues doing this. In fact whenever we're playing games to guess these things my younger soars ahead."

She is acting younger because she sees her younger brother getting more attention and affection from you, and thinks that being younger is the key to getting that attention/affection from you.

Sounds like a case of the pfb who is the only one in the NCT group not (allegedly) sitting her a-levels and you can't take the competitive parenting.

Back off. Poor girl.

DS is 4.5 and has only in the past few weeks learnt to recognise letters I.e when he started reception. Its great if kids learn these things before reception but if they don't its no big deal. Talk to nursery about how she behaves there, talk to HV re wees and poos. Then bloody relax she is 3!!!!

Sometimes, when you are playing together, just sit back and observe her for a moment before joining in. Follow her lead, copy what she is doing, make appreciative noises and comment about how you enjoy playing with her. Don't ask questions. Don't "correct" what she has done. Make no assumptions about what she is trying to do.

Don't say "Have you built a house? Why aren't there any windows? Let me help you put the roof on".

Instead, try something like "Great building. You've used lots of colours." Pat her back or stroke her arm. But don't distract her from her play.

"My 3.10 YO can't write his name either, and isn't particularly interested in learning letters and numbers. He can, however, describe how a combustion engine works, how the digestive system functions and how elements combine to form molecules."

!

My daughter was 4 last week, so will start school with your daughter. I think she is quite bright (not biased at all!!) but she cannot write any letters, can recognise her name but no where near able to write it. I think this is quite normal, your daughter sounds just fine.

I'm a nursery teacher and say this as kindly as possible. It is simply not important that your dd learns to write her name at this age. It also doesn't matter at all that she can't recognise letters, numbers or shapes.

All this grilling combined with your disappointment is just awful for her self esteem. She will know that you are frustrated with her efforts, and will start to pick up on the fact that her younger brother finds it easier.

Please, just stop all the hot housing and let her play. Sing to her, read to her, cook with her, talk with her, let her play with mud, water, leaves, sticks and stones. Go for long walks and runs, sing and read some more, cuddle lots and praise her for any effort that she makes to use great vocabulary, or be kind to her brother, or be independent.

Alongside all that, have a chat with your HV if you think she is missing any milestones, or if you don't see an improvement in her behaviour once you have taken the pressure off her.

Also, try giving her plenty of warning before you do something like getting her to clear up, or get ready to go out.

If this is a genuine post, then it is v sad. You need to spend time just being with your dc and enjoying them as funny little people. My dds are a bit older and a bit younger than yours and neither do many of the things you've listed, and certainly still have poo/wee accidents.

Try and just be with them and not judge and assess them all the time. Try and gauge more realistic expectations of dc her age. Speak to your hv and get support. Focus on building your dc self esteem and confidence, not undermining it.

Jaded are you using PECS?

Write a little note for yourself which says: 'She is only 3, she will do it when she is ready'.

Every time you think she 'should' be doing something she is not doing, take it out and read it.

Unfortunately, unless you back off and take down the pressure, there is every chance that you will damage her self esteem enough that she eventually will not be within the normal range (where she is right now, btw).

And even then, the right thing to do will still be to lay off the pressure.

She is only 3, she will do it when she is ready.

My DS is 3.3 and so will be starting school in September at the same time as your DD. He can not write his own name, recognise numbers or even draw, he doesn't listen to what I say very often and can be very naughty, however I am not disappointed in him.

He will learn in his own time and in the meantime I want him to enjoy playing with his toys, running around in the garden and talking to his teddy bears.

I would suggest trying not to worry about what she can and can't do and try to enjoy her whilst she is little. As suggested above, having a chat with her nursery may put your mind at rest a bit.

She's 3 years old, OP! 3!!! She's just a baby. How on earth can you possibly feel disappointment in an infant?!

Please don't put such high, and frankly unreasonable, expectations on your tiny wee girl. Just let her be little. Enjoy her!

My dd was worse at 3 than she ever was at 2. Same could probably be said when she was 4. They test boundaries constantly at that age and it's usually a battle of wills. She'll get there with the right kind of guidance.

I genuinely don't mean this as harshly as it may come across, but I think you need a drastic attitude adjustment. Otherwise, you're going to end up with a little girl who feels disappointed in a mother who always ground her down and favoured her brother - and that's how she will interpret your attitude

Um, yeah, my post about DS and his love of science wasn't supposed to sound like a brag Sorry! FWIW he's never drawn a recognizable picture and can't dress himself or put his shoes on either.

I was only trying to illustrate that all toddlers (like adults) have different interests and strengths, and that the OP should find what her daughter's is and encourage it. It can only help boost her DD's confidence which will probably improve her behaviour. DS can be extremely challenging but is at his best when we can engage him.

Wish I never posted now! I've had a horrible day today and felt coming here to vent would be a good idea

She is not my first born, I have an older dd. I do not have a bonding issue with her, in fact, I probably relate to her more than my dd1 or ds. Dd1 was I guess advanced as is ds possibly but compared to the other children in her nursery she also lacking which is my concern. I don't want her to drown at school...

Today has been awful with tantrums and 2 pooing incidents plus she has been awake all last night and well, for the past 2 weeks at night so I am exhausted. I have a mountain of things to get through and I work part time and I have activities I have to take everyone too so the pressure is well and truly on and it's just making me frustrated. I give her plenty plenty praise, as I'm well aware that any attention is good attention. I really make such an effort to praise her when she does things, draws a nice picture for example or even gets the milk from the fridge for me. We paint, we bake, she helps to make lunch every day, we sing and dance.
I realise I sound like a terrible mother but I am not, I promise. I am just human and have emotions like anyone else.

I'm really sorry that you're struggling with her at the moment.

I think you should speak in depth to the staff at your daughter's nursery. Ask if they really feel she is behind her peers, and if so, are they concerned? Ask about the stickers too. Is she not getting them because of her behaviour, or could it be that they don't feel that sort of incentive works for her?

Sorry things are hard. Just turn down the pressure a bit - on her and you. Things will seem easier when you have had some sleep.

I think maybe you worded your original post badly.
Being disappointed in such a young child comes across as very harsh.
If you have concerns that she is to reaching her developmental milestones then you need to speak to the relevant professionals.
Nursery, Health visitor, GP.
Why is she struggling with her behaviour? What is causing the pooing?
Do you have concern she perhaps has some SEN?
I'd be fed up with nursery only handing out 1 sticker in 10 months. That's an absolutely rubbish incentive scheme. It sounds like she needs it more than many others and they should be finding every opportunity to give them to her.
If nursery have concerns then they ought to be doing something a bit more proactive to help her.
Try not to compare her too much with others. She is what she is and your job is to help her be the best she can be. She is still very young with plenty of time to be ready for school.

The greatest gift you can give a child is acceptance for who or what they are not what they achieve
That and unconditional love
If you think she is a disappointment then she will be. Find some fun

If she's that much of a disappointment to you, I'll come and get her. Poor little tot :( She's not even 4 and you are disappointed in her achievements??????

Come on people, I think OP has got the message that she did not choose her words carefully enough for everybody's tastes.

OP, it is a little acknowledged fact that, yes, sometimes our DCs can disappoint us. I think it's a bit of a taboo to admit it though.

Honestly though, I didn't really think that was what you meant. I read a cry from a worried and stressed parent.

For today, I would be taking DD to get checked out at the GP, as it sounds as if she may have something going on that is giving her sleep and poo issues at the mo.

I would then make an appointment to catch up with DD's key worker at nursery, and also to meet with the health visitor.

Chin up .

My child couldn't write his name before he started school either, and for want of a better word could be a real shit sometimes at that age.

However he's now six and an absolute delight and is making steady progress at school. You need to seriously back off op! Things have a habit of turning out grand.

Thanks for the words of support from many of you.

Yesterday we decided to skip nursery after being up most of the night and again today. I am so exhausted its unreal. I feel like the worst parent in the world, doing nothing but watching tv and going for a walk with the dogs. She is also wearing nappies too after wetting through to her leggings again today. She was so upset about it but I can't keep cleaning up the mess she keeps telling me she is sorry then doing something completely unreasonable and not giving me the chance to accept the apology, have a hug and move on. It's infuriating. I have had to remove the door handle in the bathroom after she has locked us all out of it so many times. She keeps asking if we can do xyz but I have nothing in me to give right now.

I honestly just feel like I'm so done with this parenting shit