So disappointed in my dd

[Deckmyballs]

I realise I'm probably being terribly unreasonable so please go easy on me.

I can't help but be so cripplingly disappointed with my dd and the things that she does.

She is 3.10, due to start school in August next year and can't recognise any of the letters of the alphabet, numbers and only a few shapes despite all my efforts.

I also have a younger ds who gets it right while dd struggles on. It's almost does it on purpose? ds who has no issues doing this. In fact whenever we're playing games to guess these things my younger soars ahead.

Not just this but her behaviour is just awful. She wets her pant, even poos cries/screams whenever we have to do anything other than what she wants that exact moment. She goes to nursery but doesn't say hello or goodbye to the staff and I don't even know if she talks while there. They do a sticker incentive to show good behaviours and despite being there for 10 months she has only ever had 1. I see other kids coming out with them weekly! She can't write her name and refuses to listen long enough to try. Behaviour at home is a constant struggle! She never gets invited to parties or play dates. She puts on a ridiculous baby voice whenever anyone speaks to her...

The list is endless. I do feel like a horrible mother saying all these things buys rely this is not normal? I don't think she has any learning disabilities.

Sounds like you are doing great in difficult circumstances.

Lots of TV for a couple of days will do no harm at all. Make sure you have a rest at the same time.

Do you think it's worth getting the GP to check DD over? DS has been known to behave like you're describing when he's had an infection, e.g. ear infection. Confused for ages, because we thought the weeing meant it was probably a urinary infection, but turns out it's just how some kids react to bugs sometimes.

Why on earth did you decide to skip nursery? Take her there, leave her there, go home and get some sleep!!

Take her to the GP and ask to have any medical reasons for her weeing checked out. Sometimes having a UTI means they don't know they're about to wee.

Do you really think she's 'different' to most of the 3 year olds you know, do you think you need to get her assessed for SN/LD?

What part of the country are you in?

If you managed to walk the dog then you're doing as well as I did in the sleepless days

Rule number 1: concentrate on sleep. At night if possible, by day if necessary. Sod anything else, including potty training, until you are both getting sleep. That is the real route to good parenting.

And definitely sod letters/numbers/whatnot.

Wow I can feel the frustration coming out of your post - poor her but also poor you.
I think you are maybe focusing on the wrong thing - the letters, numbers etc and not the behavior difficulties.
See your HV or GP - if for nothing else than peace of mind and another adult to talk things through with.
Also get some time to talk to the Nursery staff - with out her there, and not at drop off/pick up. What really happens in there? To be honest if genuinely every other kid has got some reward and never your DD, they aren't doing such a great job - every 3 year old does something well, even if it was "today was the day she didn't have a melt down". So find out whether its your perception the others are getting rewarded or actually happening - and if the latter work out what milestones are best for your DD and how to work together (or move her to somewhere that will support her)
Get some things moving, some clearer ideas so that you can feel that you've made progress to getting on the right track - but then take some time away from it all - no pressure on games, or worrying about accidents just get some sleep, spend time together (I hate the phrase love bombing but you know what I mean).
Clear your head - and her head - and then hopefully you'll be able to see if this is just being 3 or if you or she needs more help.

My ds has just started reception and can't write his name either. At your dds age he was still in nappies, and not invited to parties etc either despite being a sociable little boy - unlike dd1 I didn't know the nursery parents, which is mostly how invites happen at that age. She is only 3! I totally get the exhaustion - I also have a baby and an elder child - but the guilt and pressure is going to help neither of you.

If you're feeling pressured, at the end of your tether, guilty - don't! It's all counter-productive. Cut yourself and your LOs some slack. Downsize your expectations - of yourself and of dd2.

It doesn't matter if your dd2 is in nappies. If it makes life easier at the moment, so be it. It doesn't matter if you snuggle up and watch telly. If that's what you're doing, enjoy it. Your dc will get more out of that and taking the dogs for a walk than having a stressed mum trying to stretch herself beyond endurance.

Some of the behaviour you have described, sounds like it could be as a result of jealousy. Did dd2 have problems adjusting to the arrival of her younger brother? I think middle children often have issues when no. 3 arrives, because they lose their position as the 'baby' of the family, and she may still be looking for the kind of attention she used to get as the youngest. Maybe you could indulge her for a bit and see if things improve?

I'm sure things will work out in time. Just treat yourself a bit more gently en route.

I'm going with the flow here - you really need to calm down. I have 2 DC's at infant school now and a 2 year old at home.

DS1 wouldn't show slightest interest in letters, numbers until school. Reading progress slow but this Summer made a huge leap and he's flying. Maths has always been good and well ahead of target. I really regret pushing with the reading because until they're ready and it clicks it was a waste of time. I should have just carried on reading to him (which I did thank heavens) and saved my energy.

DD1 was a late toilet trainer - has only just stopped pooing herself. Never had accident at school - just at home. It turned into a huge battle of wills. She is all attitude but clever and charming. She could read before she hit reception.

My point is they are all so different and if you try to fight it you will lose and cause yourself so much stress. Try to learn from my mistakes and enjoy them for what they are. And they are wonderful.

Mostly.

OP I think you need some support. You need to set up a meeting with the nursery to discuss:

• where your DD is in regard to the Early Years curriculum. Where she is significantly behind, what they will do to focus on her development in those areas and what you will do at home to support those activities;

• how they will change their merit recognition system to recognise your DD's achievements. 1 star in 11 months is poor on their part and they must address this; and

• putting in place a behaviour management strategy for use at both nursery and home. This should include plenty of positive reinforcement as well as clear consequences for misbehavior.

You also need to take her to your GP to check that there's no medical problem causing her to wet and soil herself.

you sound really knackered and like you need a bit of a break, op
i hope you manage to get a bit more sleep
a couple of duvet days might help- kids in bed or on sofa under blankets, tv, biscuits, hot chocs, plus a walk with the dog. then try to take a step back
are there any parenting courses? not an insult - honest! i did some and they are v good for strategies plus you get to offload about the kids
and

I think you have been given rather a hard time by some of the respondents to this post. Most of us are parenting with no training amd we learn from friends and others around us. Lets be kind shall we!

I agree that your child is normal. My 3.7 ds is not interested in any of the educational milestones. My best friend is a reception teacher who advised me not to bother with it whatsoever as school wants to teach them their own way, kids learn this stuff easier in an environment where they are all learning together, if you push what thecchild is not interested in you risk killing their love of learning.

Also - Your DS might be reacting to your disappointment with the other behaviour. Try backing off completely, focusing only in fun (play is honestly the most important learning tool at this age) and research positive discipline. I bet you find it improves things no end. And if it does, you can let school do its job properly and you just be the supporting act. Good luck. And remember nobody is perfect. Even the people who reacted so strongly to your post asking for help!

It sounds like you need a break. Can you get one?

Secondly stop pressurising her to learn numbers and letters. You will completely turn her off learning. She won't drown. She will be engaged and interested at school. She will also be old in her year group which will be a massive advantage anyway.

What should you be doing? Reading fantastic stories to her lots. Inspiring and intriguing her with funny books or moving illustrations. Getting her hooked on books so she will become a bookworm - this in turn will effect her academic ability hugely. It will also be a positive experience for her.

Could your DD be a sensitive child - one that is very insightful and aware and bright. One that likes to stand back and observe before diving in. Does she feel awkward and put on the spot when centre of attention, when people are talking to her for example? If so being out there in a busy nursery so much can be extremely over stimulating. Maybe she feels a bit out of kilter with so much stimulation. Quiet home time and slowing the pace will help her feel more balanced. Also she is picking up on your feelings of disappointment when she needs to be feeling accepted and valued.

How was the birth of your dd? Was it traumatic? The birth can have such an effect on your relationship.

Agree with the others. Our school actively discourage you from getting your DC to learn their letters and write. They start school so young, why bother when you are at home?

Also agree AndHarry. I think its an awful reflection on the nursery that they haven't had this meeting with you already and that they have only given her one sticker. It is absolutely no reflection on your dd but says a lot about the nursery.

Do get her checked out at the doctors, some children do struggle with staying dry and it's not unusual for them to start school still having accidents. Its unlikely that she is doing it to wind you up but children do like attention.

Sorry but I missed the bit that explains why you are suffering from lack of sleep. Is it your dd? What have you tried? If she's not slerping, is she overtired?

Can you get a break this weekend? Have you got a partner, friend or relative that could take your DC out for a couple of hours do that you can sleep?

Does your dc2 still have a nap? Could you use this time to do something with dd that she would enjoy? What does she like doing?

If you are struggling for ideas of activities she might enjoy, have a look here

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, your perspective is going to be massively skewed right now because of how tired you are. Agree with others who are saying, find someway to catch up on sleep first before trying to tackle anything. Do you have a partner or parents who can help?

Re the wetting herself and pooing, is she doing this at nursery too or only at home with you?

My ds couldn't do any of that when he started school, it took until he was in y2 for it to click and now he's doing really really well. But you know what I wasn't disappointed, at the time I just thought well maybe he's not that academic unlike my other 2, and I loved him for what he was good at.
Your dds behaviour sounds like she's a 3 year old, they are just babies at that age, but it's easier to see them as older if you have younger children.
As for play dates..make friends with some mums and get them round to pay with your dd. Does anyone do play dates in nursery? Or ask some children over to yours.
Step back and don't think about what you feel she should be doing and accept her for what she is, because otherwise you'll be disappointed for years to come as they never do what you feel they should be doing!!

My dd really struggled with recognising letters and spoke much later than my DS. I doubt she we be left behind at school. Surely the things you are trying to get her to do, unsuccessfully, are targets for the end of reception? If she's not meeting them by say the summer term I think you'd have cause for concern but that's in 2016. She also had poo and wee accidents at that age. Best to say nothing, clean her up, change her and do something else

Sleep deprivation is shocking isn't it. You have my total sympathy on that one. Do you think your disappointment with your dd comes from unrealistic expectations? Have a read of what she should actually be doing at 3 here

From your description I would consider a visit to the GP and request an assessment with the a Developmental Paediatrician. Some of the things you describe are perfectly normal behaviour from a three year old but others may indicative of developmental issues.

Thanks for the messages.

I am in Scotland therefore no reception here, she will start primary 1 in August 15. Primary 1 is where she will learn to read and write fluently and so it is helpful if she at least knows her alphabet and can recognise letters and numbers.

I realise she is only 3 although technically she is almost 4 and I'm worried that come school time she won't be ready.

Her behaviour recently has improved in terms of wetting and soiling her pants but she is still so demanding and takes over the entire house. She basically determines how our day will go every day. I have tried so much positive praise and lots of love and attention, and it is working for the most part but doesn't last long. Her cries and screams are so unbearable too, actually painful to my ears!i am tired. I don't have anyone nearby, my DH of course but he is tired too. It's so tired than one lie in just doesn't cut it. Today for example I slept until 10 and felt like I hadn't slept.

Are you sure the school want her to know her letters and numbers? Could you phone the school and check? Like I said before, our school actually discourage you from teaching them to read and write. My dd didn't know any letters at all when she started school at 4.1, a couple of years later and she's a fluent reader who loves reading.

Behaviour is different though. I really do think it is advisable to talk to your GP. Talk about her behaviour and ask them to check her ears. Sounds like it could be worth getting her checked out. If it does turn out that she does need some additional support then it would be good to get that into place before she starts school

Could you book a double appointment and talk about how you are feeling? It does sound like you are really low.

Have you got anything planned for tomorrow?

One of my children is a very demanding child who took over totally for a while. He's wonderful. I love him to pieces. But hard work. Some children are like that and it will probably become clearer why she is like that as she grows and develops her personality.

For example, it could be that she's a high level thinker and as yet does not have the ability to show this except for demanding behaviour.

Focus on what she is good at. Focus on 1 thing ( not everything) that you want to improve e.g the weeing/pooing. Then get help for that aspect. You cannot tackle it all 1 in go - you'll go bonkers especially when you have other children to care about.
Forget the numbers/letters stuff - let nursery deal with that. I think you have to focus on what makes her happier to be her.

It is really hard but so worth it.

Please please ignore all the nasty and critical posters.

I have a "difficult" child myself and I have also appreciated some of the good advice on this thread.

You don't sound like a terrible mother, you sound like you're having a rough time. :)

DS couldn't do a lot of that at that age, but when he started to read it just took off. He is seven now and advanced academically.

I agree with everyone else, just concentrate on the lovely things about her. She will get there. :)