Wet pants again! 3.5 year old

[KJSa]

My daughter is spirited, active, persistent and pretty defiant when being asked to do something she doesn't want to do.

We've been out if nappies for a year or more which started because she would say, get my wipes, I'm doing a poo and would use a potty consistently before bath. It started off ok, some accidents but nothing too major. These days we have multiple wee accidents, sometimes just a bit in her pants and sometimes it's through to trousers and have to change her.

It's driving me absolutely mental. I'm struggling and now have a three month old in the mix so energy levels are even more depleted. She's just not bothered by wet patches in her pants but she us aware as she'll tell me I need a wee, I've done some I'm my pants. Or she'll only say she needs the loo if she is absolutely wetting herself. Remarkable she is dry through the night (mostly) so somewhere in her brain she must know when she needs to go no?

I'm stuck in pissy Groundhog Day and can't seem to find any solution. Please any advice, I just don't know which way to turn, do I just ignore her completely? And wait for her to tell me? It's been a year and nothing seems to have shifted...

We had a very similar pattern, dry for ages and then lots of wet pants. I'm trying stickers as a reward for no accidents and it seems to be helping- but no new sibling here to confuse matters. She just seemed to stop caring about being wet, stickers gave her a reason to focus.

www.eric.org.uk/Parents/info_daytime_wetting_parents

Is there anything useful on here? DF had a DD and DS with this problem. Drove her up the wall, but she got there eventually

Sorry - had to laugh at infodaytimewetting_parents

Exactly the same here - dry for a year, then loads of accidents at 3.5. It's like going to the loo is so boring to her/she doesn't want to stop what she's doing, that she just leaves it to the absolute last minute and that's often too late. Funnily enough she's been at preschool for three weeks now (five days a week) and has had precisely zero accidents there.

I've tried bribery, treats, nothing seems to make a difference, rewards just don't hold any value, she doesn't give a toss.Do I just accept that eventually the accidents will stop? It's hard to keep my cool, do I keep haranguing her when I see imminent wee postures or do I just let her keep wetting herself until she one day gets to understand it?. I'm literally tearing my hair out!

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Does she go to nursery/preschool? Is it just when she's at home, like mine? What happens when she's out and about?

Hi miasparrow,

She has just started pre-school (3 days in) and has only had a few hours each day there. It's not confined to a certain place, anywhere she is and it will happen. She doesn't seem able to tune in to going on time and if I ask generally she will not go out of defiance. I was hoping pre-school might help her with it...it seems that sometimes it's developmental and maybe she doesn't get it and sometimes it feels like she knows but just won't do it...arghhhhhhhhhh

I have exactly the same issue. DD2 3.5 just can't be bothered when she is at home. Does really well at preschool and nursery but will literally wet her knickers as soon as she gets home. I keep trying to be super enthusiastic when she does well and encourage to go more often but it doesn't seem to be working yet....

Did this start with the new baby? We had a short period of regression with DD2 after DS3 was born. She was then nearly 6, so perhaps a bit more worrying but also easier to explain that she was just as precious to us as she had always been and to ask her to get involved as big sister with helping me with all the things that were not so good about being a baby - like not being able to go to the loo, needing nappies, not being able to move around and so on. Lots of reassurance and cuddles seemed to help and Daddy did special big girl things with her too. Otherwise presumably you have checked out UTI?
HTH

No haven't checked for UTI, pretty sure it's psychological rather than a physical thing. I just don't think it's entered her head to go. Unless she is wetting herself or we give her ultimatum - you can't have Telly until you try for a wee ( really can't handle more pees on the sofa) it's the only time she will get it and go. It's rare she will say she needs a wee of her own accord. I even moved a potty into the. Living room (no downstairs loo) so it wouldn't feel too far to go upstairs to the loo...that worked for a bit but otherwise she's trying to deny she wants to go...i don't know how to get it into her to go...

Getting dd to wee has become a power struggle between the two of you and because she is in control of it, you are going to lose. I suggest you back off completely for a week or two. If she wets herself, matter of factly clean up and carry on. Then you will have to vary your tactics. Could you for instance make it a race: "DD, let's see who can wee first, me or you?" Then run up the stairs and plonk down on the toilet. Would she feel embarrassed if you put her into pullups? How do they handle it at school, are they all told to go at specific times? Does she go then? If she's interested in wearing pretty things, can you go and buy her special no-wee knickers that are only for big girls who can wee in the toilet? If she wees in them they will have to go in the bin. That is pretty hard core and you can of course only do it if you are sure she has control and knows when she needs to wee. You can also make her wash her wet knickers although that might backfire if she enjoys playing in the warm soapy water.

What you are describing is very common. I can only urge you to ignore, ignore, ignore. Just hand over clean pants and act bored/in different. Don't remind her to go, act cross (even when you are fuming) offer incentives etc etc. Do nice things together as normal.Once there is no more attention to be had from wetting (including negative attention) it will stop.

KJSA your description sounds exactly like my three year old daughter. How did you end up stopping her from wetting her knickers?

We have exactly the same issue, even down to the 3 month old sibling.

I have always thought it's an attention thing, but I have been doing the 'act bored and matter of fact' thing for about 6 months now. I have recently got the impression that she likes to have multiple changes of clothes (bit like dressing up) so am thinking of making all outfits after the first very boring. Don't want to buy special boring clothes though...

Anyway, we share your annoyance.

Schokolade glad to hear I am not alone. I was going to try the act bored routine next, my daughter will quite happily sit in he wet knickers, who knows if it will work. How is your daughter with poos? We have only had two poo accidents in 8 months which is why I think it's her choice to have most of her wee accidents

We've also only had two or three poo accidents.

DH thinks we should have her checked for a urine infection. Maybe he's right, rule it out...

We're doing a star chart for weeding in the toilet. She seems excited about it, but somehow doesn't quite get it I think.

What does your DD say when you ask her why she didn't go to the toilet?

I did a urine check a few months ago and there was no issue she did have thrush at one stage and that definitely made it worse. She just says she was playing, reading ... whatever activity she is focused on. She gets a doll if she goes a day without an accident and a treat every time she does a wee bit it's still not enough motivation. In the last two weeks I have only had to give her one doll

Tricky isn't it. I suppose basically ignoring it/a bit of prompting is the only option really.

I think I'll get mine to actually put the washing machine, dryer etc on herself (obviously with supervision) if the star chart doesn't work. Less work for me at least.

Great idea, teaching her life skills early