Advice please don't judge, wits end.

[wanderingwilma]

My son started a fire near a garage yesterday.
I drove him to the police station in the hope they would have a word. No officers available.
Got home and he ran off, returning late at night. He's 12.
This morning he got up and was told he was grounded, told to tidy the garden, he ran off. He stood at the front window tossin the V, blatant defiance.
When I finally it him in he wanted to ring dad (we are seperated) I'd email dad earlier explainin the situation and asked him to support me.
Son said "mums a knob, she shouted at me"
All dad could manage was "tell her I she shouts again I'll come up tree and smash her face in"
I can't explain his behaviour other than complete defiance. Nobody else matters and he doesn't give a shit about the consequences. He's hit me and kicked a door off.
Dp has left, told me to ring him when son has gone. We just can't take anymore.
I've rung the police who couldn't send anyone out as it didn't really warrant an officer and there aren't any pcso's on duty.
I've runs emergency childrens services who said to let him clam down and they'll call me back later.
Ie done nothing but cry for the last hour, he keeps coming back to the house, goading and kicking off.
I know tomorrow morning it's going to be the same when he refuses to go to school.
I'm ill with it.
Advice and hand hold please.

Sorry this is probably a bit late in the thread, but if still interested you could try your local fire station, the fire officers will be able to talk to him, they often have education programmes for teens who are tempted by arson.

Sounds like a really difficult situation :(

I put the prohibited steps in place. Not ss. He's gone to school but late and only because my mum took him, I had to drive the others to the next borough to get them there on time and even then ds2 was upset an not wanting to go in.

So will you be calling the school, police and SS today?

Well done for getting him (all of them!) to school this morning - one step in the right direction.

Wouldn't now be a good time to ring the school and see what further help they can offer?

Is he better behaved at your parents' house?

I usually speak to school at lunch time to update them daily.
Social services have said they are "happy to talk things through with me but not till next week"

NEXT WEEK!!!!!!!!!!

Did the emergency children's services call you back over the weekend?

Nope! School have just called. Hes there.
Ive told ss that next week is not good enough, Im concerned about the other two because of his aggressive behaviour and I want to see someone today!

I don't know where you are with SS currently but you could ask for a child in need assessment for your younger children as they are at risk of harm from their brother.

You could also ask for a TAC(team around the child)/TAF (team around the family), or whatever it is called in your area, meeting. This would bring school, SS and anyone else involved with your DS together to discuss how he and you can be supported. They may say they can't because SS are involved but it's worth a try to get everyone together, hearing the full story and working in cooperation.

Well done - you obviously need to keep pushing them - I'm sure they've got a lot on their plates but they do have the resources to help you. Make a pest of yourself OP - sooner or later they'll have to do something.

Hold on in there

Well thats that then.
SS just rang, first I got a bollocking for emailing her, then she said I need to "get a grip". They have closed his file.
She asked what I expected them to do and told me to "sort it with his dad"
WTF!!

Oh, now theyve changed their minds!!

Just received an email:
have considered our discussion and looked through your email. I will reallocate the case to another social worker, and request that they organise a Child in Need meeting asap. We could also invite the education welfare officer.

God sake, talk about messing people about!

Well I'm glad they've seen sense but what a way to speak to you before that!

I know. Its the manager too, shes very rude and abrupt. I broke my heart on the phone and just wanted some support, she made me feel like utter shit.

Good, I'm glad they've seen sense - I imagine getting people from education and ss together should get some sort of plan in place that you and they can work to.

I'm at her attitude tho' - she shouldn't be talking to people like that who are asking for help. I'd be tempted to keep a log of your contact with them, so that you can refer to it later if you need to. Bear in mind that there will be a hierarchy there, so even if she's the manager, she'll have a superior to report to. If anything goes adrift later on, that would be the person you should approach.

I really hope you get a meeting soon and in the meantime that he keeps going to school - a set routine will be the best thing for him in the long run.

Bear in mind the "Did you mean to be so rude" line for future reference.

I felt like a naughty school girl. felt like saying "yep, Im a shit mum, no need to be so rude about it"

On the chance he does go to dads - WWYD? Collect him? Ring the police for him? Leave him?

I think if he turns up at his Dad's, I'd leave them to it and see what happens. How does he behave there? Does he still play up or is it just you that gets the violence and attitude? The thing is, if all you get is abuse etc from his Dad when you speak to him, then trying to agree with him what to do won't resolve anything anyway.

Are you at your parents this evening?

Btw, you're not a shit mum at all - being a single parent can be a nightmare sometimes, especially with 3 DCs. People won't know what it's like unless they've had to do it singlehandedly themselves. Having your own child talk to you cruelly and aggressively is soul-destroying and makes you feel worthless because it seems as if everyone else is getting it right except you.

He doesnt behave at dads either but then dad allows that, he doesnt instil any discipline, hence the "do what I want" attitude and the difficulty to adjust at mine I suppose.
My dad had a real go at DS and asked him to stay there a while, DC and I have returned home and DS seems settled, even got himself up for school, showered and left at 7.40am this morning happy as larry!
Not sure what the future holds or if this can continue long term but for now, it seems OK.

We had a change of school organised which Im going to put on hold for the time being, Im going to enroll him in Cadets in the hope he will learn some self control etc and he will this week be seen by a doctor in the hope of a referral to CAMHs.
SS have appointed a new SW and Im just waiting to hear from them....finger crossed this time.

Massive thanks for all your advice and support. feel a bit better but also apprehensive about the future.

It's interesting that your Dad has managed to get him in line - I do think another male family member/friend can sometimes get them to pull themselves together in a way that a mum couldn't do - not because she's female, but just because it's a man they might look up to and have a bit of respect for.

Cadets is a good idea - he'll meet other men/boys and see how they behave and respect each other and that should be a big lesson for him.

Good luck Wilma, you're doing a great job in very difficult circumstances.

(hug)

I've got a child with massive defiance issues amongst other things, but a friend recommended book called 10 days to a less defiant child, some good tips I thought. Same friend managed to find a class she could go to for tips and advice, might be worth seeing if there is anything in your area. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

SS have just called me, they are off to school to see DS today, not because I requested help, not because we both need help, because fuck wit EX reported DP to the police for hitting DS!! LIAR. Shamefully last thursday I hit him, not hard, he refused to go to school and he roared in my face so loud, I completely lost control. It happened in an instant and we both apologised. I have never hit him before and it absolutly killed me inside. I rang school to tell them and we spoke about it.
I admitted all to SW and shes going to school to see him today. How can EX say it was DP? Honestly, surely they should tell him about his malicous lies? Im so pissed off. DP wasnt even there (works away).

Maybe your DS told his dad it was your DP?

If your ex was working away it will be clear that the allegation is a lie. I would imagine they are fairly sure it is a lie if their first action is to go and chat with your DS in school rather than sending someone to arrest your DP. I just hope they realise that this is an indicator of what you are having to deal with on a daily basis.

Is there some particular support that you would like SS to give you? Keep clear in your mind what you want them to do and why and make sure you are able to have a proper conversation with them about this face to face so you get all the facts and can have all of your concerns recorded.

I can't see DS saying that. It's defo come from the ex, retaliation for the prohibited steps order. Ss are coming to see me today or tomorrow once they've seen DS.
I'm not even sure what help I can get from ss? Any ideas?

and now Ive just had school on......DS has been excluded! FML

WW my son is the same. He is 13. My ex is also the same. My son is now only allowed to see his father for short bursts of time.

He started cadets and has got better but I still need to remind him I'm the Mum.