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Original poster

Advice please don't judge, wits end.

93 replies

wanderingwilma · 21/09/2014 14:20

My son started a fire near a garage yesterday.
I drove him to the police station in the hope they would have a word. No officers available.
Got home and he ran off, returning late at night. He's 12.
This morning he got up and was told he was grounded, told to tidy the garden, he ran off. He stood at the front window tossin the V, blatant defiance.
When I finally it him in he wanted to ring dad (we are seperated) I'd email dad earlier explainin the situation and asked him to support me.
Son said "mums a knob, she shouted at me"
All dad could manage was "tell her I she shouts again I'll come up tree and smash her face in"
I can't explain his behaviour other than complete defiance. Nobody else matters and he doesn't give a shit about the consequences. He's hit me and kicked a door off.
Dp has left, told me to ring him when son has gone. We just can't take anymore.
I've rung the police who couldn't send anyone out as it didn't really warrant an officer and there aren't any pcso's on duty.
I've runs emergency childrens services who said to let him clam down and they'll call me back later.
Ie done nothing but cry for the last hour, he keeps coming back to the house, goading and kicking off.
I know tomorrow morning it's going to be the same when he refuses to go to school.
I'm ill with it.
Advice and hand hold please.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/09/2014 16:11

I've asked dad for help. He's refused.

Have you told him that if he can't support you, his DS can come back and live with him again for a while?

You would be best getting your DS to work with you to make the plan to earn back privileges. Allow him to make it achievable but not ridiculously easy and be very clear that you won't be allowing excuses or giving in to any bullying to get his things.

My suggestion would be that he has x amount of screen time on any day he has been at school all day. He can earn his phone for a day by being polite to the rest of the family the previous day.

He could earn pocket money by doing jobs (make them reasonably pleasant jobs). Thank him for doing them and praise him when he does them well.

If he breaks the law again he loses the lot for a week and then has to earn them all back again.

Also try to make a small amount of time fairly regularly for you and him to do something together that he enjoys. It could just be watching a favourite programme but it has to be kept sacred so he knows it is his time.

Write it all down so he knows exactly what you have agreed and nobody can start moving the goalposts.

Don't try to make him stay in the house if he is prone to running away. Just withdraw privileges for times he is out when he should be at home, eg after a curfew, mealtimes.

These are mostly just general ideas which will need tweaking to fit him and your family routines.

Original poster
wanderingwilma · 21/09/2014 16:25

Gold - do you mean see him back to dad unless he starts to support me?
DS has said that tomorrow after school he WILL be going back to dads, said he doesn't want to move school anymore and it's shit here. Basically he has discipline here and not at dads.

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 21/09/2014 17:29

Will his Dad let him stay there? If so, maybe that's best then for a while. I wonder how long they'll put up with each other tho'.

Original poster
wanderingwilma · 21/09/2014 17:36

Dad will have him back, he only kicke him out so he could go on holiday. Social services and school have advised me not to let him go back, hence the prohibited steps order.
He's now trashing my house again. Thrown his only pair of trainers on the roof, and bent his little brother backwards to the point he was screaming in agony.
It's total chaos here and I'm just sat crying like a dick! I can't even control my own son.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 21/09/2014 18:56

Let him go to his dad's
You can't live like this it's awful
And only have him when he can follow the rules

It's so hard I know. I sit and look at ds1 and my heart breaks for the little boy he used to be

Original poster
wanderingwilma · 21/09/2014 19:24

That's how I feel right now. House is being trashed again because I won't give him his phone. Just called me a dirty slut and thrown a hair brush at me!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/09/2014 19:44

Whatever you do, do not give in to him. Call the police on 999 if he is damaging your property or putting his brother at risk. You do not have to take this.

He needs to understand exactly where the boundaries lie and what happens if he crosses them. If he gets away with this behaviour, he will make your whole family's lives miserable for years.

Don't buy him new trainers. If he needs them, he can do jobs to earn money to buy them himself.

He is still the little boy he used to be. He is confused and insecure and is pushing the boundaries in the hope that he will be stopped and brought under control. You need to do that for his sake and your own.

papercliplover · 21/09/2014 19:46

Ring the police and tell them they need to come out he is wrecking your house and assaulting his brother.

Finola1step · 21/09/2014 19:54

Call the police. He is trashing your house but most importantly, he has assaulted your younger child.

He is known to ss. It sound like that social services may well be a better option than going back to his dad's. let them do the necessary assessments but tell them that you can't and won't put your younger dc at risk.

RandomMess · 21/09/2014 20:05

In all honesty you may need to put him in care so you can access specialist support and work towards having him home with you in the future.

whattodoforthebest2 · 21/09/2014 20:17

OP I can understand why you might think it would be better if his Dad took him, but I think in the long run it would cause more damage from what you've said about him. Call the police and ask them for help - you need to be protected from him and he needs to be protected from himself.

Still hand holding here.

Original poster
wanderingwilma · 21/09/2014 21:08

As If my day wast bad enough, dp has just told me he's ha enough!
I don't blame him at all. He's younger than me and gone from no kid to two kids, suddenly to 3 ad with massive issues.
Devastated doesn't come close.
Ex has just rung cause he's had a message off DS ad it's all my fault he's like he is, I've created a monster!
My life is shit.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/09/2014 21:16

So sorry to hear about your DP. That must be a massive kick when you're already down.

Maybe you'll patch it up once you've got your son sorted.

Ignore your ex. He really isn't worth the air he breathes. You haven't created a monster; he has created a situation in which a 12 year old boy doesn't know who is in charge or where his boundaries lie and he's making it worse every time he interferes. Tell him that, if he won't support you, he needs to keep his opinions to himself.

Has your DS calmed down? How did he get a message to his dad?

Original poster
wanderingwilma · 21/09/2014 21:23

It was a case of, if I drop him at dads I risk being investigated by ss and I look like the one that kicked him out, I didn't want him to leave, given the prohibited steps order I didn't think dad would pick him up so if DS made his own way there, it would be his choice.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
I can't take anymore.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 21/09/2014 21:30

I don't know much about a prohibited steps order. If he goes back to his father's can you ask the police to bring him home? Even if they can't, it would be on record that you had asked.

I think you need to write down exactly what has happened today so you have a record to use if you are asked to account for your actions.

Tomorrow you need to call SS and ask them what they can do to support you through this, especially as he has attempted arson and the police will not act. Also contact the school and update them. You need to show that you are taking appropriate steps to help your DS.

Blondiemama · 21/09/2014 22:45

OP, absolutely no judgements from me. What a tough time you are having.

You really need to note everything that happens with DS and with your ex and when. If it helps start with this thread. It's really important that you are specific and clear.

Agree with the others. If you feel DS is out of control and potentially dangerous, ring the police. There is absolutely no shame in that.

Your ex sounds like a monster. If DS wants to go to him there's not much you can do. But just keep reporting it. Things will get better eventually OP, hold in there girl. Sending you lots of solidarity.

whattodoforthebest2 · 21/09/2014 23:14

Thinking of you, OP. I hope you manage to get some rest tonight. In the morning, speak to ss - they need to know you can't cope with this on your own.

Original poster
wanderingwilma · 21/09/2014 23:31

Will I look really shit if I tell tem I can't handle anymore?
I don't want to be having my kids taken away.

OP posts:
EssexMummy123 · 21/09/2014 23:31

This is not your fault OP - can you demand that SS organise family counselling?

Original poster
wanderingwilma · 21/09/2014 23:40

I asked. Nothing came of it.
I just don wanna find myself askin for help then them finding out dp and I have split, no home nothing!

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 21/09/2014 23:53

When you say 'no home', are you living in DPs place now?

I can't imagine for a moment that they'll take your kids away - you haven't done anything to hurt them have you? They'll do what is in your family's best interests which should be to make sure you and your DC have somewhere safe to live and that your DS is given the help and care he needs. They've taken steps to make sure your DS doesn't stay with his Dad and now they need to make sure you have the help and support you desperately need right now. I can completely understand your concern, but they are the people to help you find a way through this now - that's their job.

Goldmandra · 21/09/2014 23:59

SS don't take children away because a parent is struggling and asks for help. You are doing all the right things. the last things they would want is to split up the family if for no other reason than the cost.

Even if you asked them to take your DS into care they would turn the focus back onto helping you cope because it is better for the child and cheaper than foster care.

Original poster
wanderingwilma · 22/09/2014 06:32

Woke up hopin it was all a bad dream.
I'm at my parent right now.
I've figured since DS was considered to be "safe" with me and "at risk" with dad, but he doesn't want to be with me and no matter how I parent or what dp and I do, dad is ALWAYS goin to undermine that. By dad telling dp if I shouted he's goin to smash my face in or sending DS messages saying "ignore him (dp) just blank what he tells you" then no matter what DS is goin to defy what we say/do. He'd be better with dad and on the at risk register where his care can be monitored. It's only myself and the other dc that suffer otherwise.
Does that sound really selfish?

OP posts:
whattodoforthebest2 · 22/09/2014 08:23

I don't think it's wise to go against a court order saying that he shouldnt stay with his Dad. You want SS on your side, not thinking that you're going against measures they've put in place to support him.

Will you speak to them this morning? Has your DS gone to school?

Goldmandra · 22/09/2014 08:59

I don't think it is selfish but I don't think you should be seen to be making a decision to put your child at risk.

You'd be better to take the approach that you can't stop him going to his dad's and you can't stop his dad undermining you so how are they going to enable you to remain in control?

You could suggest that at least he will have more SS involvement if he's at his dad's but be careful not to give the impression that you are happy for him to be at risk.