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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How can I help DS to think more positively?

15 replies

HiImBarryScott · 17/09/2014 10:34

DS (age 9) appears to be a pessimist. Every day when he comes out of school I ask him how it was - and every day he comes up with an example of something that happened that was bad. Even after football training (which he loves) the first thing he will talk about is who hacked him or why he fell over or missed a shot.

Even if something positive happens, he seems to put a negative spin on it. E.g. yesterday the teacher told the class that the 6 pupils with the best drawings would get a sweet. They all worked hard on their drawings and she said that they were so good that everyone in the class would get a sweet. He was complaining that she shouldn't have done that (even though he is rubbish at drawing and wouldn't have got a sweet if she hadn't!)

He just seems to be always moaning and complaining!

Is it common for kids to be pessimistic? Is it possible to change his thinking so that he is more positive? Any tips or strategies appreciated.

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LastingLight · 17/09/2014 11:55

Maybe you can share with each other what the best thing and the worst thing was that happened to you that day.

TypicaLibra · 17/09/2014 11:58

My DS (age 10) can be like this, so watching with interest.

Original poster

HiImBarryScott · 17/09/2014 12:04

I've tried asking "Tell me one good thing that happened today" and he invariably is stumped and then says "Lunch".

OP posts:

brittanyfairies · 17/09/2014 12:12

I could have written this and have had big conversations with my 9 year old DS about having a more positive attitude this week. On Monday after we had discussed attitude and positive behaviour, I asked him to write me a list of positive things he was going to do at school - he wrote the list but managed to make everything on it have a negative twist.

I'm a really positive person so find it quite hard to deal with his negativity sometimes.

Krakken · 17/09/2014 12:15

Ds1 is a bit of a pessimist, like his dad. I am such an optimist and always try to put a positive spin on things.
I did the 'tell me what good things happened today' for ages and still do from time to time. If he didn't have anything to say, I'd keep prompting him til he said something.

I've even shouted at him telling him to stop moaning about stuff all time as I got fed up of it sometimes.

Whenever something good happened, I'd make a big deal out of it. I'd always say things like 'wow! Aren't you lucky! You got to do that!'

I'm sure it has worked to some extent as he is not so negative anymore.

Just keep going. That negativity can be so draining.

Sleepwhenidie · 17/09/2014 12:23

Oh wow, my DS (9) is exactly like this, it drives me crazy, I am very positive like you brittany and krakken and he can be just so defeatist and moany - I've actually started taking the piss now, impersonating him wailing and gnashing about the most insignificant things until I laugh him out (albeit crossly!) of it.

Hakluyt · 17/09/2014 12:26

I always used to say "tell me 3 good things and 3 bad things about your day"

Maybe being able to focus on the bad as well as the good and distinguish between them might help?

lynniep · 17/09/2014 12:39

Watching with interest. My DS1 (7) is also a pessimist. He dwells on stuff and I rarely see enthusiasm or excitement from him. It makes it worse when his little brother is so happy, and its difficult to respond to 'miserable' with 'upbeat'

roseamongstthorns · 17/09/2014 13:47

also watching with interest as have one of these aged 8 and a half...AND a bouncy, optimistic younger brother! Being an optimist myself I usually try to put a positive spin on his overtly negative personality. On the plus side, he is thoughtful, measured, considered and rarely disappointed as he never really gets excited about things anyway! i suspect that he will travel through life quite well as he is unlikely to make foolish, spontaneous decisions...he also has very deep friendships as the pessimist in him prevents him from jumping on the in-crowd bandwagon! It took a while, but i have now decided that he was just born that way (dare i say it runs in my husband's family?!) and we just let him be.

Upandatem · 17/09/2014 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 17/09/2014 13:53

So glad it's not just my 9 year old! DH is quite a negative person too it's so draining sometimes between ds's 'this was the worst day ever' and dh's 'why do bad things happen to good people'!

ElizabethMedora · 17/09/2014 13:57

Also watching with interest as my 6 yo DD can be a bit like this. I like the rose, thorn, bud idea!

Krakken · 17/09/2014 14:01

Sorry itiswhatitis but I did laugh at your post as that's what it's like in my house sometimes.

I won't stand for it though and always tell them to snap out if it. Dh gets told bluntly, and ds1 gets told gently.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 17/09/2014 14:05

Yes Krakken I'm rather blunt with DH these days, tbf he come from an entire family of negative Normans (I think they thrive on doom personally) so I think it's very much learnt behaviour

I try and start out patiently with ds but confess I do get a bit gah! About it sometimes

Laphem · 17/09/2014 14:07

Tbh I think your ds was right about the teacher, I think that was a bit off of her. If I had worked hard on something for a competition, only to find at the end that it wasn't a competition after all I would feels swizzed too. I think that is a human nature thing and not an example of your ds being negative. Could it be that as you view your ds as negative you have started to view some quite normal human reactions he has as negative? If so, you need to try to reign this in.

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