3 yr olds behaviour is uncontrollable help....

[NicolaMu]

my son turned 3 at the beginning of the month.

he can be very difficult, very stubborn. It can be exhausting going anywhere.

it is upsetting as he is also a very loving little boy and very clever. he is a middle child older and younger sisters.

everytime we go in the car we have a battle of wills, he doesn't want to go into his carseat, i get him in and whilst putting his sister into hers he lets himeself out and takes off into the front of the car. he lets himself out of the seat whilst the car is going so recently i have had to taken to using a bike chain to keep him in for his and out safety as he is gong to cause an accident.

when taking my daughter to school and collecting its a nightmare he lets himself out of the buggy and takes off. no matter how many times i ask him to come back he just goes further away.

he started nursery last week and currently has two full days and a half day, two days before starting we were at soft play and he got into an altercation at the top of the slide and bit a little boy.

since then hes attempted twice at nursery and succeeded once breaking the little girls skin.

i left the nursery on tuesday night in tears and his two days at home he has bit his little sister 3 times.

shopping is a nightmare he screams all the time and trys to escape.

the tantrums are shocking i feel desperate for him as i know he is a lovely little boy really but i feel like the mother in the playground who everyone looks at like i cant cope and everyone is talking about me and my son.

any advice would be appreciated.

thanks in advance x

None of this sounds terribly unusual for a 3yo but exhausting nonetheless. I don't have a lot to suggest other than persistent naughty step visits until it curbs it.

I was hoping that you would say that, i feel sorry for him too, mmy heart breaks for him as i feel there is so much more drama with him that with my daughters iykwim?

he can be the most loving little bot at times.

i guess im just worried theres something else wrong.

DS had a terribly spell lately and I was told it isn't uncommon for them to revert back to having tantrums etc like a 2 year old.

DS is 3.5 and I am just starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, he is becoming a lot more rational.

Watching with interest as we have an identical one aged 2.11. DD is currently sporting a massive bruise on her thigh from where he bit her (fortunately through her jeans) while playing.

He also runs off when we go out and is generally disobedient and defiant. The naughty step doesn't'work, he just sits and laughs.

He is also capable of being sweet, gentle and empathic.

We try to be firm and consistent, really don't know what else to do, but it's utterly exhausting.

Biting is horrible. DS bit from about 1 to about 3 getting less regular, nothing seems to work quickly but your doing the right thing.

He hasn't bitten for ages now.

It doesn't sound unusual - kids at nursery will both bite and be bitten. Why is he in a pushchair at that age? can't he walk with reins on? Kids do play up when shopping so keep trips short and lots of distraction.

Check out 123 magic and How to talk so that kids will listen - his natural instinct is to run off, you need to teach him to listen to you.

Also - i don't understand the bike chain thing, if the car seat is fitting correctly then he can't wriggle out - are you saying that he can press the button to undo it unless you have a bike chain around the locking part? because that makes me quite uncomfortable - it's probably illegal and very dangerous as well.

Seriously the bike chain thing on the car-seat is really odd.

I don't think that having a bike chain on the car seat is safe. In an accident it could injure him and/or interfere with the safety of the straps. Also if you needed to quickly remove him from the seat, how will you achieve that? Say if the car was on fire after a crash, or if you were in water and sinking?

The bike chain around the car seat is illegal because if there was an accident, emergency services might not know how to free him quickly.

But I feel your pain

Maybe try a Houdini car seat harness from crelling? You can use them with buggies as well.

There are done good books. "Teeth are not for biting people" "hand are not for hitting" etc that are good for young children.

Social stories to tell him how to deal with conflict without biting might be good as well, you can write them yourself

Have you tried not using a pram and letting him walk ( maybe on reins if a runner). Mine is 3 and hasn't used a pram for about 18 months so would also go apeshit if someone tried to make him sit in one. Walking will also wear him out so he doesn't has so much pent up energy to fight/ debate. And if walking to start with on reins he can't run off and will be less likely to run off as has had time to walk energy off

It sounds like he wants more independence. Maybe go down re route of ' wow how big you are now, can you climb all by yourself into car seat? Can you do your straps up alone? ' same for everything else like food, getting dressed etc

Artandco has a point. DSs seatbelt undoing suddenly stopped dead when he had a booster seat and could do up his own belt

OK so perhaps I should have explained a bit better no I feel like I'm being judged on here too...

The car seat is correctly fitted.

The bike chain is not locked simply placed around to give the impression to him and if he pulled on one side it would fall away but he hasn't realised this yet.

I'm not thick, I have two other children, all three of my kids are fit and healthy and have exceeded all aspects of education so far.

I was simply looking for a shoulder to share some worries.

We walk on an extremely busy road to and from school which is why my son goes in a buggy for this point in the day only normally we make him walk where it is more safe and suitable. I have a 5 yr old and a one yr old and would prefer for his safety and ours that he goes in a buggy at this point of the day.

Whilst the bike chain is "odd" it is for safety and again I state is NOT locked and can just be pulled away. He is too young for a booster seat as these are for 4+ are they not?

The main worry for me was the biting because my daughter was the victim of a series biter when younger bit over 15 times and once ending Dr attention so I know how the little girls mother was going to feel collecting her daughter it was a horrible experience and I hate that my child has made some other kiddy hurt and some other parent upset.

As I said I love all my kids and my son has the most loving nature normally but with the past two weeks has considerably changed possibly due to changes with starting nursery.

Thanks to anyone who did not judge, I've ended up feeling worse than when I first came on.

I have one of these!

Reward charts are working well with him. Too much telling off and naughty step was just making him anxious and his behaviour worse.

It's also an attention thing with my Ds, so I'm trying to make more time to do things with him.

We've also started finding ways to let out his grumps and moments of rage - run in the park, play doh to pound and an array of silly words he can shout.

I empathise completely

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. We have been in a tricky patch with our DS4.11 and know how awful it can make you feel.

Would you consider a Kiddy seat? We have one and it is great as they literally cannot get their hands down to the belt clip.

RE the biting, is he biting out of frustration or to get his own way? If it's out of frustration then could you possibly get him some chewlery or something else to bite?

If it's to get his own way, then not giving him his own way will eventually work, but it might take a while

RE, the dangers of biting, yes it is dangerous, the human mouth contains so much bacteria, it really is gross. DS bit DP once, and he ended up in hospital for a week on intravenous antibiotics. It was horrible and I felt dead shit. But I didn't dress things up for DS, I told him straight that DP was in hospital because he bit him, and that's why he couldn't see DP for a week.

It wasn't DSs fault he bit, he has autism and was in meltdown, but this shocked him so much that he never bit again.

I wasn't judging you for the bike chain, I know what it feels like, I was just telling you it was illegal in case you didn't know.

If a walking harness isn't good enough, you could try a crelling Houdini hardness to use as reins and in the buggy.

That's if giving him a bit more independence with doing himself up doesn't work. Again not saying you're thick, but if you are anything like I was you will be terrified of your son ending up very badly hurt by his own behaviour and when it's that stressful it's really hard to see the wood for the trees.

And don't feel bad because other people are judging you. I hope my first post didn't come across as judgemental because I've been where you are and it's not a nice place.

I'll tell you one of my stories if you want.

My child has additional needs and his school is miles away thanks to them closing loads of special schools here. He can get transport but I transport him myself as the escorts are untrained in how to deal with seizures.

So one day I'm driving DS to school, he takes off his belt, picks up his car seat and throws it at me, it bounces off the steering wheel and hits me in the face! I slam on, luckily the person behind me isn't driving too close and stops as well.

I pull over just as DS has climbed into the front and opened the door and he then runs off down the road. I manage to grab him. Wrestle him to the ground and try to calm him down (he hated school)

It took me an hour but eventually I managed to get him back in the car seat, and drive the rest of the way to school, my face still bleeding.

School rang transport and asked them if they would at least send an escort in the car with me, if they refused to train them in seizures, as I was already saving them a fortune by taking him myself.

Do you know what they did? They sent me a toddler clip that goes over the seatbelt, that slides open.

It slid open! He isn't thick! He also wasn't a toddler, he has that worked out in seconds.

Things are much better now. But I remember desperately trying to get him to school one day and wishing I had some form of super strong duct tape. That was obviously a horrible thought and I wouldn't have really done it, but I was desperate.

BranchingOut, you mentioned a kiddy seat where they can not reach the clip, ive just started a thread about my 2 nephews who always undo their car seat buckles and climb out, which is becoming really dangerous! what is this and where can I find them lol (2 and 3 year old behaviour out of control in desperate need of help)

New to mums net today, keep seeing DD and DS etc, sorry if its a silly question and I realise you are all referring to your children but what do they stand for?

NicolaMu I totally feel your pain, my sister is going through a really tough time at the minute with her 2 and 3 year old sons, biting, climbing out of seats, wont go in the pram but cant walk anywhere as they both run off in different directions! Sorry I realise I don't completely understand as its not my children, my son is the total opposite to my nephews, but seeing how its breaking my sister down is really hurting us all! have you tried the naughty step? we briefly tried it but didn't seem to be getting anywhere? I seen somebody say that they use a reward chart instead of the naughty step, ive just made one for my nephews hopefully it will help, maybe reward the good behaviour and ignore the bad? obviously climbing out the car seat while you are driving cant be ignored but maybe just put him back in without giving any attention at all? sorry I hope that doesn't sound patronising, but going to suggest to my sister to try it too, I know when my little boy (3 and a half) is having a tantrum, if I completely ignore him he will be over it in seconds, but if I tell him off or try to calm him down then it just makes the situation a hell of a lot worse!

don't worry about people judging you, nobody can judge anybody until they are put in that particular situation themselves and see how they react!

I am not sure of the stockists, but the version we have is called 'Kiddy infinity pro'. That has now been updated, so you should be able to find the new version on the Which forum.

There is another thing you can do which is putting them in a reins harness and fastening the five point harness through that - I think it is described on the MN car seat forum.

Hi OP. I most certainly won't be judging you. Currently sitting here trying to hide tears from ds1 over ds2s behaviour. He too undoes his car seat and climbs in the front. He also leans over and undoes ds1. He can flip out in a millisecond and go from being happy and laughing to screaming and swearing. He says fuck much to my horror. He screams. He shouts. Won't have Dh in the same room sometimes. My heart breaks as he is a lovely, funny beautiful boy too and I love him loads. So fist bump to you op, you are not a alone. People tell me it's what 3 year old are like. Ds1 wasn't so I don't know. Chin up girl, we can get through this

Why anyone would judge someone who's clearly asking for advice is beyond me anyway. Surely that means they care about their child

I can understand your car seat worries. My DS went through a terrible phase of refusing to get in his car seat and escaping whilst I was driving. It was terrifying. We used to have enormous battles to keep him in the seat. We bought the Kiddy Infinity Pro thinking it would be a magic solution. I am afraid it was a disaster as he hated having the cushion on and would always manage to push it off with his feet.

We went back to a 5 point harness with a houdini strap and that was the best solution for us.

For the car buy a Hudini strap. They Cody about £20 on Amazon and will keep him in his seat. Do not use a bike chain in case you have a crash he will not be able to be rescued easily.
I think he needs structure/routine and distraction. Do you use a time out step and reward charts. Can he walk on a harness rather than in a buggy.
Biting is normal development. I bite I get the toy. I bite I get to go past the kids in my way. This is marvellous lets do it again.
Play lots of turn taking games. He is playing with a truck take it off him and say mummy's turn. Play with it for a few seconds then give it back saying Fred's turn. Repeat this with different toys at different times. Take turns putting shapes in a sorter, blowing bubbles anything.
Then make the seconds a few seconds longer. Add another child in the game so he has to wait longer for his turn. This will take weeks but will help.
Good luck.