My 4 year old misbehaving.

[YourShoesAreLovely]

Really don't know where to start... But I am in desperate need of advice!

This has been going on for the past 2 weeks and a half now. The worst thing is that he is doing it in public, take today for an example I took him with me to Sainsburys to do the weekly shop, he picked up an expensive toy thinking I was going to buy it for him when I said no he went into a strop, arms crossed wouldn't move, I had to pull him to make him walk, when we got to the check out he thought it was okay to tell me to "f*k off" call me a "fking btch" then kick me, the sheer and utter embarrassment.

When we got home he decided to pour a whole litre of water on the floor, silly me for leaving the lid off whilst I took a phone call. I told him off and and sent him to his room, I went up and spoke to him and told him his behaviour isn't acceptable and as punishment I took away his iPad, a few minutes later he came into the living room and picked up of the clothes I had ironed and threw them on the floor.

This isn't the first incident that has happened we went to the park on the weekend he pushed a little girl down the slide and hurt her, her parents weren't to happy the same I wouldn't have been if it was the other way round. I also lost a good friend last week because my son pushed her son in the pond.

He does play up now and again but it has never last for this long. I don't think I can put him with him swearing and hitting me and not doing what he is told, for much longer.

He is always well behaved at school and he doesn't misbehave when his Dad is home, he will always go to sleep before he comes home so he won't get told off.

He sounds a very unhappy little boy.

combust22 I don't know what is wrong with him, he behaves like this for time to time but has never lasted this long I can't deal with it anymore.

tell them you won't tolerate bad language in front of your son. Either they control themselves or they are not welcome.

Sometimes as mothers the needs of our children have to come before other people. It's our number one responsibility to protect our kids- above all else.

I would speak to your Health Vistor and ask for some advice yourshoes.

Why are you asking his permission to make a packed lunch? Just do it!

As others have said you're giving up at the first hurdle. He's playing up so you wont go out cos it's too hard. Just go out. Go to the park. Take the packed lunch. It's a beautiful day (here anyway) and he'll be going stir crazy cooped up playing with the iPad.

titchy I am not going to the park so he can misbehave and embarrass me, my friend called from early saying we should take the boys park (her son and my son) her son has ADHD so it's not the best of ideas, iPad has been confiscated, I hate staying home but his behaviour is unmanageable.

hi there - are you still online - I think some proper conversation and advice might be useful - reject if you wish, but I think we can solve this problem. Let me know if you want to talk. No pressure - the problem is yours, not mine, but I am happy to help, if you really want to be helped.

You BOTH need to learn to manage his behaviour - you and him. Take him to the park, if he misbehaves once you're there, give him 5 mins time out (restrain him if necessary), if he misbehaves a second time bring him home.

avoiding embarassing situations is not going to enable either of you to learn. And kids are embarassing, not just yours, everyones. As long as you deal with with the behaviour consistently he'll learn. It'll take a good few weeks. But as long as you're consistent it will work. But being a parent is hard. You can't just avoid the hard bits and hope it'll be ok in the end. It won't. It'll get worse, and he'll get bigger. And biggger.

Op

'I give him a bottle at night for an easy life'

'He has his Ipad in the car to keep him quiet'

These practices are not conducive with your ds learning and developing. You then seem to be expecting him to behave well when out. He learns that being in an environment where your foul mouthed friends swear is normal....your dp then says you should 'slap him until he wets himself' When he swears....

It makes for really chilling reading.

Do you have a Hv or someone in Rl you feel you can confide in and ask for some sound advice and help. Someone away from your current friendship group?

If this is new and sudden behaviour OP, have you ruled out anything obvious like illness? Toothache? Headache? Is he feverish? He sounds very unsettled.

The problem is (and I speak with 21 years experience as a parent) that there aren't any easy shortcuts in parenting. Everything you do or don't do has a consequence.

From what you have told us I can only suggest the following if you are to resolve your relationship with your child:

-Reduce his dependence on screen time to manageable proportions
-Stop playing good cop, bad cop with your (d)H with your child (ie make your discipline methods be a lot more similar) In your case it sounds as though your husband has to soften a lot nd start to take an interest in hs child and you have to step up to the plate and say no to him and be a parent to him rather than his friend. You are not his friend, that's not your role.
-Take a stand on the things you believe in. Don't just cave to your child for an easy life.

Once you stand up to your son (in a gentle way, not your husband's horrifically abusive way) and mean it, your son will calm down a lot and start to be more respectful. This will take time. You have to be the grown-up here.

There is a lot of information out there about what 4yr olds need to feel happy and safe. It doesn't sound like you really understand what he needs and he sounds unhappy.

He wants to grow up and you're treating him like a baby. He wants to bath and dress himself so give him choices and some control e.g do you want me to wash you or will you do it yourself?
I don't ask my dc's if they want a packed lunch when we go out - I just make it and take it so it's there if we need it. I plan the day out, I take what we need.
Give him a rucsack - tell him if he wants to take toys out then he's in charge of them. He has to carry them, if he looses them then there's nothing you can do.

What's wrong with him is he's trying to grow up and discover his independence but sounds like he's held back in a lot of ways. You're giving him control of the wrong things - he needs to feel safe, he needs boundaries, he needs you to be in control.

Are you spending any quality time with him today doing anything together?

I did end up taking him to the park with my friend and her child, I spoke to her about swearing around my son, she said she will try not to and apologised. We got there in one piece he was good as gold on the way there no problems what so ever, listened and when I told him to stop as he wanted to run on ahead he did, praised his good behaviour.

Me and my friend sat outside the park closely to where we could see the pair of them, it wasn't long before he pushed a boy of the swing, which was because he wanted to get on, I got up and went straight into the park, the other child's mother wasn't happy the same I wouldn't be if a child has pushed my son of the swing, my son was telling her to shut and get out, I apologised her reply was something along the lines of you need to teach him some manners, he shouldn't even be in the park if he isn't going to play nicely all I could do is apologise again as what she said was true, I told my son he must come and sit outside the park with me for 20 minutes then go an apologise to the boy he hurt if he was still there, he bolted off. I have had call my friend in the park to get him as he listens to her, she went in and got in along with her son she suggested we go back to her house, my son not happy with her saying that he has said to her no you fat shit I don't want to come to your house her being insecure with her weight his comment upset her, and she then questioned me is that what I say when she is not around.

It was a struggle to get him back home, but I'm home now. I called my partner I have told him to come home early so he can speak to my son!

Sounds like things didn't go well. Perhaps your son needs to be more closely supervised while in the park while he is going though this difficult stage.

Why do you need your partner home? What do you think will happen when he gets back from work?

Have you actually read the advice on this thread? You asked your friend to deal with him, you're asking your partner to come home to deal with him? Here's a thought -YOU deal with him. He's 4 - you can carry him away from the situation if you need to.

Do you think you'll be able to do that when he's 14?

You have asked 'partner to come home to speak to my son' is he your son together?

I hope he doesn't slap him ....you said in earlier posts that he does sometimes. I hope he doesn't come back angry.

Only1scoop Yes he is my sons father, I have an habit of saying "my s

"my son" when he belongs to the both of us.

Sorry I didn't mean to post so quickly, and no I won't let him hit our child, if he thinks he can do it in front of me, he'll be told to leave!

If he thinks he can do it at all....never mind just in front of you!!

I understand you are having a rough time....have you someone in Rl to go to for some advice....do you have a hv you could ask for some support?

This is how today at the park should have gone:-

You take him, you STAY near him as you know his behaviour can be problematic.

When he kicked off you apologise and remove him. You tell him if this behaviour continues you'll be going home.

You don't have a twenty minute wait outside the park! What kid can cope with a twenty minute time out.

He carries on performing? YOU go and get him, YOU take him home, YOU put him in his room to calm down. When he's calm you talk to him about what happened and tell him that no matter where you are in future if he behaves like that he will be going home to bed.

You on line shop till his behaviour is sorted out.

You keep your violent P away from him and stop whining about his behaviour and expecting everyone else to sort it out. YOU sort it out.

Bottle at night:-

Today you tell him big kids DON'T have bottles at night, that's it! Let's go and choose a cool new cup with Transformers on or something. You deal with the crying this evening and comfort as required. He will be off it in two days.

His diet:-

He's four. You serve what you want him to eat. Both my children have restricted diets for various reasons. However they don't eat rubbish. They eat the good they CAN eat but I make it as healthy as I can.

You ride out the storm for a couple of days until he realises this is how it is now.

In addition:-

You give him structure to his day. So he knows roughly what will happen when. You take him out every single day whatever the weather, as early as possible. You will be astounded in the difference in him after a hour or so running round.

Do all that and you'll see a difference in a week. I promise.

I wonder if you little boy has sensed your reluctance to discipline him and you're now reaping the "reward"...
I think you may have a tough few weeks ahead if you but if you stick to your guns, he will get it but consistency is massively important. He needs to realise that YOU are the parent and he HAS to do as you say.

YourShoes, you really need to set your son up for success not failure. Don't put him in a situation where he will misbehave so badly, it's not fair on him.

You HAVE to supervise him playing. He's only 4 for starters, plus you know he has form for pushing other children which is really dangerous. You also need to supervise him so you can demonstrate good behaviour to him. So if he wants to go on the swings, you can say "we need to ask the boy on the swing if you can have a turn in a few minutes", or "well, we have to wait until the boy has finished his turn". You don't leave him to try and handle interacting with other children on his own just yet as he is not getting it right and needs to be shown/encouraged how to do it.

Telling him he can't play for 20 minutes and then that he has to apologise is a "punishment" that your DS really won't understand and it won't have any positive effect. You should have taken him home straight away for attacking the other child, and tell him why.

As for trying to get your friend to discipline and control your child.... YOU are his parent, you are responsible for him. No wonder he won't listen to you if you don't even think he should listen to you.

You have got to take charge and step up to be a parent to your DS now. It isn't too late to turn it round, but you must act now. In a few years his behaviour will be even worse and it will be a much bigger job to sort it out. For the sake of your DS you really have to help him by thinking all the time about what is best for him.