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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 4 year old misbehaving.

96 replies

YourShoesAreLovely · 14/07/2014 20:28

Really don't know where to start... But I am in desperate need of advice!

This has been going on for the past 2 weeks and a half now. The worst thing is that he is doing it in public, take today for an example I took him with me to Sainsburys to do the weekly shop, he picked up an expensive toy thinking I was going to buy it for him when I said no he went into a strop, arms crossed wouldn't move, I had to pull him to make him walk, when we got to the check out he thought it was okay to tell me to "f*k off" call me a "fking btch" then kick me, the sheer and utter embarrassment.

When we got home he decided to pour a whole litre of water on the floor, silly me for leaving the lid off whilst I took a phone call. I told him off and and sent him to his room, I went up and spoke to him and told him his behaviour isn't acceptable and as punishment I took away his iPad, a few minutes later he came into the living room and picked up of the clothes I had ironed and threw them on the floor.

This isn't the first incident that has happened we went to the park on the weekend he pushed a little girl down the slide and hurt her, her parents weren't to happy the same I wouldn't have been if it was the other way round. I also lost a good friend last week because my son pushed her son in the pond.

He does play up now and again but it has never last for this long. I don't think I can put him with him swearing and hitting me and not doing what he is told, for much longer.

He is always well behaved at school and he doesn't misbehave when his Dad is home, he will always go to sleep before he comes home so he won't get told off.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

3bunnies · 15/07/2014 12:18

My 4yr old is getting bosy and a bit more aggressive but I am putting it down to the huge change in his life as he starts school full time. He is incredibly positive about starting school but the apprehension has to come out somehow. I just try to be firm and consistent. Maybe your 4 yr old is starting school soon too - that's a big life event for them.

Original poster

YourShoesAreLovely · 15/07/2014 12:36

Only1scoop. Like I said almost every child I know has an iPad, some as young as three.
NickiFury. I posted this thread for a little bit of help not to be intimidated by people on here.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 15/07/2014 12:38

You stated 'I thought it was essential'

Is that really the case?

NickiFury · 15/07/2014 12:45

Sweetheart, if you haven't worked out that you should keep your kid away from people with foul mouths, that your DH is disgustingly abusive or a psychopath to make serious suggestions such as "smack him till he wets himself" and that iPads are not essential for four year olds then there is no help we can give you here.

This thread is making me cross because you're either a troll or totally ineffectual and if it's the latter I am terrified for your poor child.

Only1scoop · 15/07/2014 12:47

What Nicki says....

Hope you are the former....

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/07/2014 12:50

Ok.

iPads are a luxury item for anyone of any age. No small child needs one. However, this isn't really about the iPad. If you want to use it as a sanction, then if you remove access to it make sure it's clear how long for and that it's a reasonable length of time.

Your bigger problem is your DH's attitude. If he was in any way serious about smacking him until he wet himself, then that is utterly unacceptable. I would not want to stay with a man who either thought like this, or acted on it. Does your DH smack your child in this way? If your DS is caught between your DH who is domineering and aggressive, and you who are passive and ineffective then no wonder he's acting so unpredictably and pushing boundaries. He won't know where he stands. You urgently need to agree a consistent, kind and calm disciplining approach that both you and your DH will implement.

I would also agree about the TV that he's watching with you. It's not appropriate viewing, the themes are often adult, and it is also of no benefit to him.

Original poster

YourShoesAreLovely · 15/07/2014 12:54

Only1scoop. Yes I thought every child had one, they even have them in schools. I've asked for help with my child. Not to speak about iPads.

OP posts:

mandbaby · 15/07/2014 12:57

Ok, I'm going to try and be supportive as you're clearly at your wits end.

Ditch your friends. Anybody who regularly uses such horrible language, nevermind in front of children, is not the kind of person you want your son to be growing up around. It is NOT normal to use such disgusting language.
Take the iPad off him. If you want to sit with him, for maybe 20-30 minutes a day while he plays on an educational game, fine. But he doesn't need his own and he certainly doesn't need to be left alone with one.
Seriously consider your relationship with your DH. My husband is regrettably in the "the-occasional-smack-does-them-no-harm" camp but he knows I'm strictly against it, and as such, tries hard himself never to smack our boys. How can your son ever learn that smacking, violence, bad language, aggression, anger is bad if those around him are doing it? It is NEVER acceptable. End of. No excuses. The fact that your husband suggest that you should have "slapped him so hard he wet himself" actually makes me want to cry. If my husband ever said that, even if he was half-joking, alarm bells would be going off in my head and I wouldn't hesitate in getting my children as far away from him as possible. THAT IS NOT A NORMAL OR ACCEPTABLE COMMENT FOR HIM TO MAKE.

With regard to his current behaviour, children as young as 4 can act up when just a minor thing has bothered them. Last night, my DS2 (aged 3) said to his father how when we were at the soft play centre the other week, he "couldn't find us on the chairs". We'd moved chairs to get a better view of the play area and when our DS2 came to find us, we'd gone. Literally only to the next table, but a few weeks later it was obviously still on DS2's mind. Something really minor like that can have them worried/scared/angry. They can't process or deal with their emotions in any way other than their behaviour. Maybe something that he's seen or heard has caused him to behave in this way.

What you need to do it to re-connect with him. Shower him with attention, praise (when necessary) and love. Tell him that he's safe and that you love him and will always be there for him. Laugh with him. Turn the adult TV shows off. Trust me, at age 4, he doesn't really want to watch those things - he probably just wants to be close to the most important person in his life, and if that happens to be when she's watching TV, that's what he'll do.

Focus on the positives, ignore the negatives. When things are calm say to him "I really don't like it when you speak to me like you did in the shop". Or "we must never shove people, as it could really hurt them".

There is lots of advice out there about dealing with "defiancy" and tantrums, all of which will pretty much say the same sorts of things (don't punish, don't yell, just reconnect and focus on the positives). However, as others have said, it strikes me that your biggest problems are those around you. Ditch the friends, ditch the DH, ditch the iPad, ditch the adult themed TV shows. He's 4 years old and deserves the very best (by this, I mean time, caring people, kindness and love, not expensive gadgets).

Original poster

YourShoesAreLovely · 15/07/2014 13:00

Culture. My partner rarely slaps my son, I think he said that because he was angry with what he did to me in public, my partner doesn't like any form of rudeness.

OP posts:

combust22 · 15/07/2014 13:02

Your partner must have a difficult time with your friends then if he doesn't like rudeness.

Only1scoop · 15/07/2014 13:02

Indeed the 'essential' Ipad is the least of your worries here.

I rest my case.

However please read some of the sound advice posters have given you.

Original poster

YourShoesAreLovely · 15/07/2014 13:03

Combust. Yes he does!

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 15/07/2014 13:04

'Rarely slaps him'

What does this mean? Once a day ....once a week....once a year?

NickiFury · 15/07/2014 13:04

He didn't do anything to you! He's 4! He's modelling the behaviour he's obviously been regularly shown by your swearing mates and horrible DP/DH.

So what now? and ffs stop going on about the iPad!

Only1scoop · 15/07/2014 13:05

I would have a difficult time with 'friends' that used that kind of language around my 4yo.

Original poster

YourShoesAreLovely · 15/07/2014 13:06

Only1scoop. I am starting to think you keep mentioning the iPad because your children want them but you can't afford to get it for them, you've mentioned my child having an iPad too many times, I like my son to have things he is the only child.

OP posts:

NickiFury · 15/07/2014 13:07

Now I know you're a troll.

Original poster

YourShoesAreLovely · 15/07/2014 13:08

Only1scoop. No not once a day or once a week, about once every few months.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 15/07/2014 13:12

And breathe....Op it's not the 'thing' it was your use of the word 'essential'

As I can see you are not quite getting it....

Ill go trip trapping off over another one....

mandbaby · 15/07/2014 13:13

Something I read last night that really rings true here: "the only person's behaviour you can change is your own".

In your original post you said "I don't think I can put him with him swearing and hitting me and not doing what he is told, for much longer." Unfortunately, until you change some things going on around him, his behaviour wont change and he wont "do as he's told".

It may be advice you don't like, but it IS the only advice that you'll get on here, and the only advice worth taking.

"I like my son to have things he is the only child". Ok, then spoil him with the time and love of only the people who have his very best interests at heart. Your friends and DH aren't in that category, by the sounds of it.

naturalbaby · 15/07/2014 13:13

Focus on spending some good quality time with your son - just 5-10mins one to one time (no ipad, computer, t.v, phone) every day.

If you have a good relationship with him then he will have a lot more respect for you. I've had big problems with my 4yr old (went through a phase of telling me he hated) and making an effort to be positive and spend time with him has really turned things around. He has a sticker chart for good behaviour and we have a chat at bedtime about how his day has been. Talking about feelings is also a big eye opener into what's going on in their heads and helps you understand why they are acting up.

You and your DH should be modelling how you want him to behave - if you focus on his bad behaviour then he'll think that's the only way to get your attention when he needs you.

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/07/2014 13:16

If your DH is slapping your DS enough to leave a mark on him, just be aware that this is not considered "reasonable chastisement" and would be considered illegal. You must protect your DS from this kind of treatment.

I would echo everything that mandbaby has said - this is all excellent advice on how to deal with this kind of behaviour.

However, you MUST look into how your DH deals with your DS. Slapping a child does not teach them anything that you want them to learn, and won't help your DS feel safe and loved. I worry about any child whose father has the attitude that your DH has.

Southpaws · 15/07/2014 13:24

Let's not feed it and it might go away

CultureSucksDownWords · 15/07/2014 13:25

Meh, I'll always post on the assumption that people are what they say they are.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2014 13:44

You don'thave to "let him" do anything OP!

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