Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

Original poster

6 year old saying "you hate me don't you" when told off - HELP!

10 replies

Ruthy100 · 08/09/2006 14:10

This has just started - my 6 year old gets very stroppy when told off and will say or shout "you just hate me don't you, or nobody likes me, you all hate me, you just want me out of the way" or a variation on that type of thing....... I initially responded by saying don't say that, or its not true, but I am not sure if it is just a way of avoiding the issue with him or if he really does think it, which breaks my heart! Anyone got any experience of the same thing?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

albatros · 08/09/2006 14:17

My dd 5.7 has started this it is usually you don't love me or 'you love' (insert which activity is applicable to what I am doing washing up / computer / having a shower 'more than me' I started reassuring her that I didn't and spent alot of time telling her IU love her, now I just ignore her when she starts as I know it is purley attention seeking. I often tell her after an argument that I do love her and will always love her and that even when I am angry with her I still love her

Earlybird · 08/09/2006 14:18

No experience with this directly, but sounds like clever button pushing/deflection. Could you simply tell him that you love him but don't like it when there's naughty behaviour? Make a distinction between him (who he is) and his behaviour (how he acts) when naughty.

Cailyn3 · 08/09/2006 14:29

I get "I hate you mummy" when I put my ds1 in time out for diabolical behaviour. I always say to him "I love you very much, I just don't like what you are doing right now". Apart from those times, he's always "I love you mummy" so its just him trying to punish me for putting him in time out (which he often highly deserves at the time!) If he's gone all stroppy and starts that up when I don't let him have a sweet or a toy, I always say "But I love you SOOOOO MUCH!" and give him a big wet squelchy kiss, which drives him crazy, but stops the whinging straight out in case he gets another one!

As well as the "I love you no matter what" thing, I think you need to just ignore him when he's having a strop and don't let him see that it bothers you. He'll soon figure out that its not going to work any more. And when he's calmed down, you can cuddle him and tell him how much you love him (complete with big kisses!)

Bagpuss30 · 08/09/2006 14:45

Same here, ds1 is 6 next month and does this. I just tend to respond by saying nobody hates you but I don't like your naughty behaviour or words to that effect. He hasn't ever carried it on for more than a few minutes and these days quite often apologises later on.

jac34 · 08/09/2006 14:50

My 7yo DS started saying this a while ago.When being told off,he would say,"I know you don't love me/really want me".I got very upset and spent ages trying to reasure him,the first few times.Then quickly realised,he was doing it for a reaction,to divert attention from his bad behaviour.
Since I've started ignoring it,these comments have become alot less frequent!!Suprise,suprise

WideWebWitch · 08/09/2006 15:01

He doesn't think it, he just doesn't like being told off. Tell him calmly that no, you don't, you love him but don't make a big deal of it.

Original poster

Ruthy100 · 08/09/2006 18:28

Thanks for that. I will address it, but not go overboard and I'll stop thinking that it is a sign of some deep psychological trauma!!!! I like the idea of saying I love you, but what you did was wrong. I have tried explaining in the past why I have to tell him off about things and that it is because I love him that I do it, but in the heat of the telling off moment, it can be hard to step back and remember the rational thing to do!

OP posts:

pedilia · 08/09/2006 18:32

I am so relieved my DS1 5 3/4 says this as well and it makes me feel so bad, I too thought he had some deep rooted psychological trauma and it made me feel guilty as maybe I didn't show him I loved him enopugh.

Original poster

Ruthy100 · 08/09/2006 19:03

That's exactly how I felt and I thought it was maybe because I had a second son when 1st was 5 and that he felt I didn't love him because of that...It makes you wonder how they know to say these things, but maybe I shouldn't think too deeply about it and just have a standard answer, which shold take the heat out of the situation.

OP posts:

missymoosal · 09/09/2006 06:04

I found a good way to tackle this. If my child was naughty I called it a bad choice and if behaved well good choice with thumbs down for bad and up for good. This got the message across that my dd/ds had a choice as to whether they were going to behave or not. I would always tell them that I loved them but did not love their behaviour. The message seemed to get across fairly quickly and even now when they are entering their teenage years it still works.

Flip