Terrible tantrums, massive meltdowns and horrid headaches (and that's just me!) Really not coping with DS's behaviour at the moment- supported needed please

[EnglishRose1320]

DS is 8 and I have posted about his behaviour once or twice before, waiting for possible referrals, no real known reasons atm. Currently refusing to go to sleep and my stern resolve is weakening because I am so so tired. This week he has mostly gone to sleep between 11-1, we were making so much progress up until now, had mostly got bedtime sorted to between 9-10, still late but not stupidly late. And as an obvious result daytime tantrums, hitting, screaming etc are starting to creep up again. They never go away but lack of sleep does increase them. Not sure really what I am looking for support wise, just a chance to vent and help keep my calm I guess. Finding being on my own really tough and can't wait for OH to get home on Wednesday. So anyway if anyone is still up and wants to say hi that would be great thanks.

I feel for you English I've had 2 seriously bad nights with DD3 this week and she's 7, not 7 weeks or months, yes 7 years old and I'm still having this carry on with her.

We've always had bedtime battles but a couple of weeks ago I thought I'd cracked it. I told her that she can go to bed at her normal bedtime of 7.30pm with no fuss and no getting up or if there is any fuss at all she goes at 7pm the next night and I stay upstairs to make sure that she stays there. After a couple of nights doing this it actually worked but part of the deal is that she doesn't question what I'm doing or where I am in the house (she's very controlling) and she's not allowed to shout out from her bedroom. Then we went on holiday and things have gone a bit haywire.

The getting up in the middle of the night repeatedly this week and refusing to go back to bed, screaming, shouting, etc. makes me just want to walk out and never come back.

I think you need to find something that bothers your DS, losing screen time, no treats, whatever works for you and stick to it. It's bloody exhausting!

I know what bothers him- losing screen time and we were sticking to it and it was working but it does cause screaming tantrums- gets worse before its gets better, when OH is at home I can cope- he deals with the neighbours when they knock and complain about the tantrums but I am terrified of the neighbours complaining when its just me at home to the point of getting myself worked up and in tears about it, so I try really hard to stick to it but when he really screams I give in because I am waiting for the door bell to go and I know it is no good for him or me but I really hate the idea of upsetting the neighbours and of being disliked- they cross over the street if they see us out and about :(

Sorry to hear you have had a set back and thanks for replying, holidays are a mixed blessing aren't they, lovely family time and a break but total interruption of normal routine.

The neighbour thing must be really hard, my neighbours are very tolerant (though they haven't had chance to mention the showdown we had in the early hours of last night) because they've also got a tantrummer! And they're lovely people

My ds sounds like a slightly similar version of your ds.

He stalls and stalls at bedtime which really pisses me off. A couple of weeks ago, I managed to get out of him that he was scared of a burglar coming in the house in the night. I sat in his room (mumsnetting) for a couple of nights and he went off to sleep really quickly.

He also tantrums when he is tired and I was so pissed off with it that I took the X box away and he's getting next to no screen time just now. The difference in him is incredible

Yes until we moved here last September our next door neighbours were dealing with the same issues so we could just give each other sympathetic smiles.

One of the neighbours here is lovely, she must be able to hear but has never once complained or even mentioned it. The other side however complained within a few weeks of us moving, and they complained at 6/7ish in the evening, wasn't even one of his 2 in the morning melt downs, which I could understand annoying someone.

Really makes me want to move house asap, this was meant to be our first proper family home and I feel so uneasy all the time. They even complained about them playing in the evening, said it sounded like a herd of elephants- it was way before bedtime and yes they knew their daddy was flying home so were quite excited but were just playing cowboys and Indians as boys do, I really don't want to stamp on their imagination because the neighbours don't like noise.

English I'd suggest you simply tell your neighbours that your son has some unspecified difficulty. You appreciate the fact the noise is disturbing them but that you are working with professionals (aka mumsnet ;)) to work on his issues. Tell them he has a particularly hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep and leave it at that.

Unfortunately as you are obviously aware, giving in to him after a period of screaming (because you are afraid of the neighbours). I do sympathise - I am always waiting for them to call social services! We had a massive meltdown last night and I was definitely waiting for an unwelcome visitor to interfer!

Try and also put it in perspective. Anyone who has ever had kids knows they are noisy and tantrum prone at times. Your neighbours may well simply be incredibly intolerant people. Why not send your DH round to talk to them?

sorry forgot to finish a sentence (get kids their dinner)

Unfortunately as you are obviously aware, giving in to him after a period of screaming (because you are afraid of the neighbours) will simply give him the message that screaming will get him what he wants. Is he worse when your DH is working away? DD is way worse after I have been away (single parent and sometimes travel for work) as she gets very anxious about my absence, contains it when staying with others and lets all the fear and anger out when I am home again.

One tip I will give you to get kids to sleep, not perfect, but helps a lot:

Turn all the lights off in the house. You can't make them sleep but you can keep them in darkness. It's a very helpful physiological cue and often calms things down.

No electronic toys or open curtains allowed, too.

That's interesting lljkk My DD goes to sleep with her lamp on and the bedroom door open with the landing light on and a storytape playing. It's because she says she's scared though I don't think that she is. It's just another stalling mechanism. I never know if she's really scared, upset or hurt because she makes a big fuss about everything. ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

Do you have to pretend to go to sleep or sit in the dark with no tv on?

lljkk- all the lights are off apart from one nightlight in his room which is meant to be 'natural' light, he screams even more if it is totally black, curtains are shut and no screen time allowed from one hour before bedtime onwards.

He is so much better when I cut screen time down even more but it always creeps up again- my fault I know, and the first few days of less screen time is totally horrible.

Adopt- He isn't worse when DH is away, apart from the day he leaves and the day he is back- what is worse is he is so clingy and anxious that he interrupts DS2's bedtime routine constantly and as a result his bedtime routine ends up being later, when DH is home he can play chess with him or hang man etc...

Mawbroon- sorry to hear you also have to deal with delaying and tantrums. I sit in his room every night, sometimes we have good weeks and I am nearly sitting in the hallway but in all honesty we haven't had one of those in I don't know how long. I am finding it harder and harder to get up the next day, my back kills and I am running on 4/5hrs sleep a night (on a good night)

Right I best go and pop DS2 in to bed.
DS1 is already in a terrible mood- he forgot to put his suncream on in school and came home with a splitting headache and rather red cheeks :( could go either way, could be miserable and bedtime goes on for hours or could feel rotten enough that he goes to sleep quite quickly, we will see.

Thanks for all your replies, it's nice to be able to bounce ideas to and fro and not feel totally alone, OH is in Africa so phone calls are possible but very crackly line so not ideal for moral support and parenting chats!

maybe you could organise skype or facetime both for you and DS1 - then dad could read him a bed time story too?

OH is trying to find out if he is allowed Skype on work computers atm, we can't face time because only the landlines work. The only problem is that by the time he has finished work it is well into bedtime routine, he works 7 days a week whilst out at work and very long hours