Trouble with DS behaviour after arrival of new babies

[hayesgirl]

I have a 2 1/2 yo DS and have just had twins 2 weeks ago. Me and the twins spent a week in hospital and since we have been home my DS has been a terror.

We have always been very lucky with him and he never really hit the terrible 2's. We tried to prepare him as much as possible for the twins arrival but he is still very young and I am sure that even now it probably hasn't sunk in that they are here to stay.

Luckily he is lovely with the babies but he pretty much hates me and DH! He won't do anything he is asked to do and has become quite destructive and aggressive. I had expected it but don't really know how best to deal with it so that he gets over it sooner rather than later.

We include him as much as possible and don't ever tell him to "be quiet" because of the babies or "don't touch" the babies etc. we spend as much one on one time with him as we can but unfortunately there are just times when that isn't possible.

I am still pulling him up on any bad behaviour as I did before the babies but I feel like I am just telling him off all the time which is horrible. I always telling him how much we love him and when he's good he gets lots of praise and treats. I don't know if there is anything else I can do or whether that's it and we just need to ride it out!

What were your experiences?

His world has just fallen apart - you were away for a week and now you are back with these two small creatures who do nothing but need you all the time. It must be so hard and incomprehensible. I would stop picking him up on any behaviour and just focus on helping him cope with the biggest upheaval that has ever happened to him. You won't be able to stop him feeling this way but you can choose how you respond and whether he feels you are listening to him or not.

It will pass, just give loads of hugs & reassurance. My DD was the same when her baby brother arrived, I know it's hard to keep your patience when you're sleep-deprived though!

Oh I so hear you with this! And I take my hat off to you too, I can barely cope with one baby and toddler! I agree you need to keep boundaries in place - he'll feel safer this way too - but I would pick your battles perhaps. Ds is 2.9 and dd is 7 weeks. He too wasn't a typical toddler beforehand but, oh boy, has he discovered his inner toddler

His current thing is constant whine crying and it's driving me bananas! I think we just have to ride it out tbh. We also ensure we vocalise ds's feelings and tell him it's okay to want the baby to go away/find it hard to share mummy and daddy/feel angry etc, but it's NOT ok to throw things/hit mummy/throw things can you tell we have an issue with throwing?!

I also have little patience with ds but I do find just spending 10mins doing what he wants to can help. I eat a lot of chocolate...

I've had this with DD (also 2.5yo) - and we only have one other baby to deal with! So, much sympathy to you - you must be shattered!

DS is 9wks now and things are gradually starting to get better now. Definitely agree with keeping boundaries but like Misty, we've found picking our battles has helped. and Also, we've been trying to say yes as much as possible without actually giving in (eg. "I want to watch Frozen again" "Yes you can watch Frozen again in the morning, it's teatime now though" etc). Also we've gone bananas on praise for any good behaviour at all - and especially praise she can "accidentally" overhear, so I'll gossip to DS saying "isn't your sister clever/ patient/ kind etc for doing x,y and z" etc.

Good luck! Hopefully it will pass soon....

Thanks! I totally get why he is out of sorts and fully expected some acting out. I hadn't quite appreciated how this might effect me though, it's heartbreaking. I am praising every little thing he does well, I have been picking my battles somewhat but most of what he is doing I can't ignore because it's either really aggressive or dangerous... He's not stupid, he knows what behaviour can't be ignored! I have always tried not to end ths day on a bad note but yesterday he was a complete horror and we weren't all on the best terms when he went to bed (felt terrible about this all night!) but when he got up this morning he hugged me and said he was sorry for being naughty. Poor mite must have been thinking about it too!

We actually had a really nice day today and while DH was working I took DS and the babies to the park and we had a picnic. He did as he was told and even left without kicking off when I said it was time to go home! Fingers crossed we have more days like this!

You managed a park trip with a toddler and two newborns? I'm seriously impressed! You'll be fine, and the precious firstborns will get over it, in time :)