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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

How to help a 3 and a half year old stand up for herself

11 replies

Pushpantpush · 23/04/2014 22:49

Whenever my daughter is pushed, hit or had a toy snatched from her by another child she will cry or whin but will not stand up for herself or tell an adult about it. I've tried telling her to say ' No, thank you' or 'That hurt me' and to use her words when she is hurt but my normally chatty child does not seem to have the confidence to do this. She is sociable and loves being with other children. In fact she seems to make a be line for the alpha child but then becomes upset when they hurt her. I'm concerned she will be a target for bullies when she starts school. Help :-(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

carolinementzer · 24/04/2014 08:50

Not sure if you're into this kind of thing but Indigo Essences to a product for kids (similar to bach flower remedies) called NO FEAR - heard good results about it. www.indigoessences.com/ it's meant to help kids stand up for themselves - in a good way. I've not used this particular one - but had good results with their sleepeasy essence on my daughter. Good luck

differentnameforthis · 25/04/2014 01:47

Those essences have alcohol in them for a start

Also, rocks? How are rocks, places in water for 24, then diluted (can anyone see where this is going), then added to Vodka (to preserve it) going to do anything? If anything, it is the alcohol that has an effect, not the rocks, or the diluted water! And imo it isn't a good idea to get a child reliant on something like that for what is, I think, normal childhood stuff that can be sorted in time.

OP, just keep reinforcing your message. She will find her voice eventually. Rather her be a little more timid right now, than start hitting & hurting people, or digesting alcohol!!!

BillyBanter · 25/04/2014 01:56

So what I'm getting from this is give her a little snifter of vodka before play dates? [cool]

Maybe you could play a game with her where you are mean and she stands up for herself.

BillyBanter · 25/04/2014 01:57

and where she plays the meanie to you and you play her and stand up for yourself.

Nowitscleanugobshite · 25/04/2014 02:26

I teach p1- they are 4&5 year olds. I verbalise the fact that we try to use our voice rather than our hands or our tears. We practise using our "outside voices" to say phrases like "No! I don't like it when u......" "stop doing that. I'm going to tell mrs ....."

Nowitscleanugobshite · 25/04/2014 02:35

I also do role plays with my awesome classroom asst!! The children are horrified when she pushes me and I start to cry!

Admiraltea · 25/04/2014 02:53

Def a fan of Nowitsclean's phrases..."Stop it, I don't like it" is what I teach..then the child doing the taking/pushing is told what to do and why. If they then choose to carry on then that is very wrong and recourse to adult.

Stand her in front of a mirror and make it a game, stampy foot, silly voices, shout/whisper/ growl/ spoilt brat/ need a wee/ baby etc... personally I have found that keeping the phrase exactly the same and saying it over and over combined with loads of rehearsal and role play helps that voice come out.

Is a fab phrase to have imprinted for tricky teenage years, though does get said back to me when removal of gadgets is necessary!!

Original poster

Pushpantpush · 27/04/2014 20:42

Thanks for all the advice. I spent Saturday role playing with dd about what to say when someone trys to snatch something from you or hits/pushes you. She loved it and kept wanting to repeat it. Today she had a playdate with a friend's son. Now, this little boy is also very gentle so there wasn't any pushing or snatching but at one point the little boy tried to reach the toy she had in her hand. This would normally be when the whining and whimpering would start but she just politely but assertively told him it was her turn and he could have it next. I was so proud so thanks again. The real test will be when she is with the alpha childrem but it is not a bad start. Oh I avoided the alcohol btw. Thought it wise to wait until she is at least 4 before doing that hehe Thanks again for the advice.

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 20:46

Yay!

Smartiepants79 · 27/04/2014 20:48

Very glad you've seen some positive changes.
Those essences things, what a load of twaddle!

Nowitscleanugobshite · 27/04/2014 20:51

Nice job mini pushpantpush! It won't work every time-nothing in life ever does, but I'm a great believer in teaching children to say WHAT they mean, HOW they mean it!!! There is never ever a reason to hit anyone-because there are much better ways to let people know how you feel! I have a great little girl in my class this year who looks like a little curly headed angel-until she fixes whoever it is that had annoyed her with the "death stare" and says VERY deliberately "No! Just NO!" The others soon get the message!!

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