Cry It Out

[ChicaMomma]

FTM, so looking for views on this.
I always thought there was a 'let them cry for 10 mins' rule but now I'm reading that under 12 months, this is really exceptionally cruel and detrimental to brain development.

Opinions of experienced mums?

At what age (if any) is CIO acceptable and no longer detrimental? is it 12 months? 18 mths?

I thought cry it out meant you just leave them to cry until they stop; not going into them at all.

With controlled crying I think you leave them for increasing periods of time starting at one minute and building up, but I'm not sure what the limit is.

Cio is bloody horrible because you teach the child that no one will come. V close to that Nspcc advert.

cc is effective in older children say from 18 months, certainly we did it. Took 3 nights.

We had a baby that would always fight sleep, so before any nap or sleep and when night waking he would cry.

We would always listen and try to decide if it was a distressed cry or not. If it was we would go to him, if not we'd leave him for a bit. You get to learn which ones is which.

He certainly never learnt not to cry if upset, because we went to him after a minute or so if it was distressed cry so no damage was done.

Mumsnet is very anti CIO, so I'm not sure how much constructive comment you'll get and even my fairly common sense approach will probably get some abuse.

Hi Murphy I don't think that your approach is going to get any abuse, you describe a sensible pragmatic way of sleep training, responding to your child's communication. It sounds very like what we did. X

Aaaargh sorry for the kiss there. My bad!

We did the same thing with our wee girl. We'd put her down, there were usually a few tears but you could always tell the ones you need to respond to - we'd go in, rock/cuddle til calm then back down, rinse and repeat. I don't think giving them 5 minutes to 'test the waters' is too bad (as long as she's ok, obvs) and now DD goes to bed, talks to herself for a wee while then is out. I don't think I can remember the last time she cried on going to bed (for naps/bedtime), a really sturdy bedtime routine helps too I think. :-)

Dd would often cry for a few minutes before going to sleep when she was a baby, she wouldn't go to sleep if rocked or held, she'd keep crying so it prolonged it. Information is good, but you do have to trust your instincts and try and see what your baby is actually doing.

I believe in using your instinct.

Like others my DD2 just gets into a worse paddy if picked up and cuddled, or stroked or shushed. Sometimes she'll go down for a nap without a whimper, other times she'll shout for a few minutes. If there are no tears I leave her to it, as it's just her way of winding down.

She's only wee, 7 months, so for night wakings is picked up and fed when she wakes. We also co-sleep!

I personally wouldn't leave a baby of any age to cry it out, but if they are well and happy, some gentle controlled crying at over the age of 6 months seems okay to me if it helps them self settle. Others will violently disagree!

Thanks ladies! I agree with all the comments about instinct.

10storeylove- what way did it pan out for you in the end?

Definitely agree with going with your instinct. They're all different and no one approach works for all. We had terrible problems with DS's sleep between the ages of six and nine months. Pick up/put down and gradual retreat type methods just wound him up. In the end we did a gentler form of controlled crying - going in every two mins to give reassurance and not extending the time. It took him two nights to get the hang of self-settling and tbh I think he was quite relieved to have finally worked out how to get a decent sleep as he now gives me a contented smile as I leave the room after putting him down. He still wakes in the night occasionally, but now that he's not crying from sheer over tiredness it's much easier to listen to the type of cry and respond appropriately.

I know some might say that nine months was too young for CC, but we all function so much better as a family now that we're getting proper sleep and I do think that the effects of long-term sleep deprivation (and being parented by sleep-deprived adults!) can't be good for a child.

I had a DS very similar to chocolate stain in which the gentler methods or PU/PD and gradual retreat used to just wind him up. We did CC sort in 3 days and far less crying for everyone.

There is absolutely no evidence of short sleep training methods causing any developmental delay. (And before anyone starts going on about the research that dr sears quotes please read the link below).

time magazine article on CC/CIO

I am massively going against the grain here but I actually think the longer you leave it to sleep train (over 12 months + I think would be far far harder for the child to deal with as there is so much more cognitive understanding of the fact they are being left and not responded to). I don't think I would have been able to do it with my son when he was older!

Sorry about the random brackets - on iPhone!

Tried CC with DS and it just wound him up going back in and out all the time and got on my nerves and made me stressed also - so not good for both of us. So we tried CIO. I set a timer as when DS was crying as it would seem like forever, when actually it was just a few minutes. Plus it wasn't really a distressed cry, more like a "I'm really tired but I want to stay up and play" cry. Took 3 nights of training him and we never looked back. He tells us when he's ready for bed, we have our little routine of teethbrush, story etc and off he goes, no messing, no fuss.

Agree with other posters, all about parental instinct and what works for you as a family.

I had an awful sleeper. Never slept in day except on me. Until 11m re-tried CIO and it worked. Started with naps. Also moved to putting her down on her tummy (but not recommending it).
Within a week great improvement. (We had also removed soy from her diet as suspected allergy)
I have heard others say they had to keep doing again with any changes but ive not had a prob yet at 21m except during teething and she was always bad with that anyway

I encouraged my dd to 'self settle' from about 5-6 months, and she would always get more wound up if I went in every few mins. So I had a bedtime routine, would put dd to bed, warm, clean, well fed, with soothing music on and then put a timer on for 10mins or so. I would briefly pop back and check she was o.kay but was never going to be a mum that could stand rocking her for two hours or feed her to sleep!

She rarely cried for more than 20mins and if she did I knew there was another issue like teething or she was feeling poorly.

I never let my dd cry it out. When your child needs you, they need you.

I am not criticizing any mums who use the method sparingly, but it's not for me.

I have a 30 second rule. If she cries when she goes into bed (not very often now), I wait outside her door for 30 seconds to see if she is settling. She usually does, barely ever goes past 30 sec. Otherwise I go in, stroke her head and wait for her to calm down. If she is very upset I pick her up and shush her quietly without proper communication. When she quiets down I put her back down.

I used this method as sleep training very successfully when she was starting to take the mick a bit. Go in (don't turn lights on), calm her down or just tell them it's bedtime if a bit older, put her back down. If she cries again, repeat, and repeat. Yes it's tiring, but it's tiring for them as well and will fall asleep!

I must add that I am lucky and my dd is a decent sleeper.