7 YO DD not quite the DD we used to have!

[Lifezapping]

I know this has been done to death but I'm desperate for advice.

Since DD turned 7, we seem to be experiencing absolute rudeness straight out of Supernanny shows. Screaming/wailing tantrums at bedtime, lack of listening to instructions, rude behaviour (saying no to everything, pulling tongues at DH)

When we take away toys or deliver consequences it has zero effect, shouting gives me a sore throat, both DH and I are now arguing about what to do. I was nearly tempted to give her a smack to shock her but thankfully walked away.

Reward and praise helps but then few hours later it's back to demon daughter. She has started to hit her younger DS who behaves so much better and he is 2 years younger!

Any help for an exasperated stressed mum would be gratefully received

Anyone?

Has there been anything different about your daughter's life recently which could be responsible for this change - in the family, or at school? Any change in her routine, or friendship group? Is she the kind of child who would tell you if she was suddenly experiencing difficulties in some area of her life?

If it really has come out of the blue, and there hasn't been any change at home to cause it, I would be tempted to check with her teacher to see if she is behaving differently at school, and, even if she isn't, ask if there have been any changes at school, such as your daughter having problems with work or other children.

Has she got her back molars? My nearly 7 year old turned into a complete horror while she cut hers, she was completely unable to articulate it. I had no idea what the problem was until the dentist told me she had 4 new teeth

I think she's had a few little girl fall outs at school but no more than usual.

Everything is so different recently she's very strong willed! She also has developed a martyr complex as she feels we are always favouring her DB which is not true.

I just want her to be happy and well behaved.

That's a good suggestion, Rue - untreated pain would put anyone in anyone in a terrible mood!

Never thought about her back molars but will check and take her to the dentist!

Thanks all for your advice, all comments and ideas welcomed!

Maybe she's quite simply feeling a bit jealous of her little brother. If he's going through a placid, easy-going stage, he won't be getting into trouble and you may be acting (quite understandably!) more warmly towards him in comparison to her. It can be a bit of a vicious circle - if she feels - however unreasonably - that he is more favoured, she may act up to demand attention. Because she's doing it the wrong way, you get more annoyed with her and she feels even more "unpopular" and so acts up again to get a reaction.

This may, of course, not be the explanation but if it is, what she needs is some positive affirmation of her place in the family and in your affections. It might be worth ignoring the negative behaviour, if you possibly can, and praise every single little thing she does well. One -to-one time always works wonders for a child's confidence so I would suggest a baking session or shopping trip that is just for the two of you and see if that improves things. It may be that you have just temporarily lost your"connection".

I'm quite sure she'll come out of this and be her former, lovely self again - and you'll appreciate it all the more for losing her for a while!

Thanks bettercallsaul1, you've reassured me with your advice, maybe I should have more me and her time.

Will give it a go

Certainly can't hurt! Good luck and I hope things improve soon.

She's being seven (some DCs start the same attics at 6)

Basically she's trying to revert to being a toddler and be 13 at the same time.

It's very, very wearing (and not being nice DD2 probably did get smacked), she certainly got sent to her room until she wanted to be nice.

I think it's a combination of several things.

Their language skills and sense of self suddenly develop, hence friendship issues and big sister baiting. DD2 would say very clever, but very nasty things, without the emotional maturity to realise quite how much they hurt.

Parents and teachers expect them to be grown up, do harder work, the odd chore or simply think for themselves. Sometimes this is all a bit much and they just to be little again. They aren't old enough to articulate this like a Y6 who's had enough of SATs papers might. They just get stroppy like over tired toddlers.

In consequence you have to be strict when they real push it and spend lots of time with them when they are being nice.

Fortunately I found it's a fairly short lived phase as they begin to get a bit more understanding of others feelings

Also as an aside they are still getting the last bits of gross and fine motor control. I used to run a Brownie pack and this was very noticeable. By 8-9 they were better at the games and required far less help with craft activities.

(By 10 they were being horrid again, but that's another thread).

And the realisation they can't quite draw as well or kick the ball as well as a child only slightly older or as well as they think they should be able to, also makes them frustrated. Especially if adults forget they are only little and 6/7 is very much an age when they can be very good at one thing, but not quite have got another.

Nocomet thanks, I think you've hit the nail on the head.

Since I posted this I've started to try and see things from her little world, she came home upset today about another fall out with her group of friends and I've tried to reassure her and ease off on the pressure.

DH doesn't see it this way though, I'm currently trying to reason with him to back off from constantly telling her off!

I've definitely took a step back and tried to be more patient, thanks for your advice.

Are there any books that anyone can recommend?

Or any books on making her feel good about herself?

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate all your help

Look on amazon. Lots of 5 star books there.

I would send her to her room for hitting/rudeness/tantrums. Infancy she can only come out if polite.

Also find an interest you can share. Do something alone together.

My ds was similar at that age. Then I fell pregnant with ds2 and because f the tiredness I was going to bed at the same time as him and we had a wonderful hour together in my big bed, reading, chatting, sometimes watching more grown up TV (bake off, documentaries).

It really really helped.

DH spent hours reading Garfield and Calvin and Hobbes cartoons to DD2 sitting snuggled up in ber double bed, even though she could read perfectly well.

Some DCs just want to keep the sort of attention they got when they were smaller.

Even age 13 DD2 still, sometimes, falls asleep on the sofa head resting on DH or me.

Other evenings she vanishes to the world of YouTube, KIK and instagram and wants nothing to do with adults at all.

As for telling 6/7 yearolds off, i think you do have to do as glasshammer says and send them to their rooms when they go to far.

DD2 spent a lot of time in her room "until she wanted to be nice"

What doesn't help is lots of nagging, discussion and prolonged punishments like removing screen time for days or threats not to go to parties etc.

They need to know when they have behaved inappropriately, but they aren't at an age where they think far ahead. They will do silly things without thinking.

It takes a degree of maturity a 7y doesn't have to realise that moaning about nothing much all the way home from school or practicing your best put downs on big sister is counterproductive.

Thanks all for your help, have taken on board all the comments, fingers crossed for improvement in all our behaviours!

Reading this whilst DD1 is on the naughty mat for exactly the behaviour described. Everyone's comments has opened my eyes and made me feel much calmer. Thanks!