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Original poster

Mummy guilt with new baby

13 replies

joanna1985 · 03/03/2014 20:32

My ds is 17mo and j just had a baby girl 6 weeks ago. Finding it really hard at the minute. My ds has started really playing up. Hes so close to me and we obviously spent loads pf time together when i was off on materrnity leave and now i feel like im always winding feeding nursing dd, hes getting so frustrated and its breaking my heart a bit. Hes started taking tantrums and seems really short fused which he never was. Dont know how to handle it, all the advice ive found online seem to focus on an older toddler that can speak and understand which my ds cant yet Sad has anyone been in the same situation ? Any tips?

I have plenty of help but i dont want to ship either of them off to grannys because their routine gets messed up and it makes my life harder.

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curiousgeorgie · 03/03/2014 20:38

I had this, and all I can say to you is that it does get better.

Im sure others will have more advice but I found trying to involve my older child in all aspects of caring for the baby and making sure I had time with just her started to help.

Original poster
joanna1985 · 03/03/2014 20:43

Curiousgeorge yeah everyone keeps telling me it gets better. I know its probably ridiculous but ive started wondering will it affect ds as he gets older, like will it turn him into an attention seeker or a complete brat Blush . I know hes just adjusting and we all are. Hes hitting her at any given opportunity its driving ne insane!

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curiousgeorgie · 03/03/2014 20:46

I only have the experience of my situation and a few friends, but none of the older children have had any problems as a result of it. It's just like an adjustment period for everyone..

It's so hard though, I know Thanks

AnnaM84 · 03/03/2014 20:51

Maybe buy a new toy or activity that is just for you and your son to do when baby is asleep. My DD loves arts and crafts so the paints and glitter come out when DS is sleeping or we bake. Just something for you both to so together when baby is sleeping. Also helps later when they are loud when sleeping. You can explain that this is your time together.

Also, grandparents have taken my DS for a walk when he is sleeping and I have played with Dd in the park nearby. So time just the two of us but baby close If needs me.

It is a period of adjustment for everyone and it DOES get better. Remember how exhausted you were at six weeks with one. Now you have two. One who is a toddler too!

Original poster
joanna1985 · 03/03/2014 21:43

Thanks annam that's a good idea about the painting I'm gonna try that.
He always stays in my mums on a Monday night and I'm wondering is he thinking that we are leaving him and going home with dd. my minds going into overdrive. Today has just been one if them days where both kids have been crying a lot and now when alls quiet and you think about it, you feel like shit and you should have handled it better. Confused

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spritesoright · 04/03/2014 05:18

Aw, it's so hard isn't it? Don't beat yourself up, I'm sure you did the best you could and your children will remember the good bits.
We have a bigger age gap but it's still such a struggle. DD1 is having accidents after months of being potty trained and it's so hard not to get frustrated with her.
But then she spent what should have been a peaceful bedtime with a screaming newborn in the room and had her story time cut short as a result. Sigh. Looking forward to snuggling up with two girls who want to hear a story.

Woodifer · 04/03/2014 08:43

Just want to add that even without a new sibling 17 months is prime time for tantrums and diva-ing. So don't attribute everything to new arrival.

Original poster
joanna1985 · 04/03/2014 11:27

Anno you just feel so guilty. Thought this tantrum stuff wasnt meant to start until they were 2. Im getting embarrassed even in front of my own mum when he does it, you just think people are thinking your not disciplining your kids or your doing a shit job. My mother in law is all shocked by it saying my dh never behaved like that. I want to punch her in the face...

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Artandco · 04/03/2014 11:34

Get a decent sling for baby, then go outside. If baby cries outside it won't annoy eldest so much as noise disperses. With baby in sling you can take eldest to park and push on swings for example or go for a walk and show him things/ collect sticks.

Try getting some books as ' baby feeding time books'. So when you feed baby let him sit with you and you can read to him

Davsmum · 04/03/2014 12:17

Its a difficult adjustment for your DS having a new baby on the scene and because you must be busier and probably tired its hard for you to cope with too.
He WILL settle down but all you can do in the meantime is to try and include him in what you do with the baby ( until he is bored!) It makes everything a bit more time consuming for you but he will see he is not pushed aside for the baby.
Also try to have Mum & son time with him if/when you get get your partner or the grandparents to mind the baby for you.
One mistake not to make is to give in to him if he is being tantrumy, Try to be quietly firm and don't use bribes.
I went through the same thing and I remember at the time I felt it would last forever.

littleraysofsunshine · 04/03/2014 13:40

I'm having this at the moment with 3yo, 21mo, and 5 wo. So you're not alone Smile

I feel the same with when a family member takes them, completely more effort than needed as it makes the routine out the window.

I feel guilt everyday at the minute when I haven't got enough time on my hands to give them one on one time as well as a unit x

jaybirdsinginginthedeadofnight · 05/03/2014 20:46

I have similar issues DD was 17 months when DS was born. So I couldn't 'prepare' her for his arrival as many things you read suggest. Initially DD seemed to hate DS hitting at him etc trying to push him off my knee. 5months on and he was lying on the floor on his tummy the other day, as DD approached him I took a sharp intake of breath as I was too far away to intervene, she leaned in and kissed him! Well I nearly collapsed! So slowly but surely she's becoming more accepting of him.

Best advice I was given by a friend who has 4LO's was when your attention is not with the baby smother the toddler with hugs, kisses and plenty of attention to the point were they are trying to get away from you Grin

I still can't leave them alone together but I can bath them together and we can all play together without any major incidents yet. I'm sure they will grow to be great pals.

Jess03 · 07/03/2014 09:13

People just don't remember the bad stuff accurately, I've yet to meet a child that hadn't tried throwing tantrums. 18 mos to 2 yrs was the high watermark for awful tantrums as dd didn't have much language, it got so much better after 2. I felt people were judging me but everyone goes through it, people who think their dc behaved better have just conveniently blanked it. Having a sibling is one of those short term tragedies that makes us a better person in the long run.

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