what to do when a child has no respect

[wontletmesignin]

Im completely lost with my 10 yo dd.
She has no respect for me at all.
She speaks to me like im nothing, all of the time. The only time i get a fairly nice tone is when she wants something.

She apologises and everything, when i tell her id of expected one by now..so through gritted teeth.
Then hours later she will start again.

She picks fights with me for nothing and over nothing.

She is currently grounded for 2 weeks because of this as im at the end of my tether with her. For this, she wrote me a very nasty letter and trashed things around the house.

How can i punish effectively?
Everything, no matter what i do becomes a battle. Its like i need to prepare for war before i even consider telling her off for something and im getting really fed up.
My other children are suffering through all of this.

She will be attending therapy very soon but in the meantime, any tips on what punishments i could use.

Ive tried almost everything. She is not bothered by anything. She just seeks revenge

I would just completely ignore her when being nasty. No eye contact and walk away from her.

Don't ask for an apology, you know yourself she won't mean it.

Sounds like my ds 6 months ago.

Tbh what worked was me easing up on him, treating him a lot more gently and being aware of being very kind and respectful in the way i spoke to him.

Not sure how you are with her, it can be heard to keep your cool but it has worked for me. I stepped back, calmed down, let him have space to calm down and then we talked. Life is so much nicer now. We really enjoy each others company whereas before i dreaded him waking up and then again when he came home from school.

I have started doing that. I feel awful for it though, as she starts coming out with "you obviously dont care about me" and all of those things.
When i continue to ignore she gets louder and more angry.

I have tried all of that. For years. I dont know how many hours of my life has been spent sitting down having talks with dd trying to calm her down, talk about things when she is calm etc.

She will talk about things and it seems as thougj we are getting somewhere,until next time i say no, or do something wrong.

I'm trying to think back to my childhood, I don't think I was too bad but I has my moments.

What I've read on here before is the line "I love you very much. But right now I don't like your behaviour." You could maybe add that until she can calm down and speak to you nicely you won't speak with her.

Totally agree dontwanna

Have yo go out now but will be back later and see if i have anythinh useful to help you OP.

I will add that. Thank you.
I had my moments also, i could be awful to my dm. But it was just that...moments.

I have moments where my dd is being nice to me. When she wants something.
Everything else is just real nastiness. I treat all my kids the same and my 3 other dc arent like that in the slightest.

It is getting to the point where others are commenting on how bad she treats me and i want to do something about it,but everything i try, doesnt work. She steps it up a notch, as if to make me pay for punishing her

I know that when I got shouted at I just got very pissed off but if someone said "I'm disappointed in you" it really upset me and made me think.

I haven't read this book but have seen it recommended on here several times: www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889 There is a book about teens as well.

Part of the problem is that one gets into such a negative mindset about the child, expecting trouble all the time, that the slightest thing quickly escalates into a major fight. Look for opportunities to have positive interactions, and tell her if she is doing something right or good. Is her dad around to back you up? If she is the eldest, does she have any special privileges and responsibilities that come with that position? You mention grounding, what other consequences do you invoke? Removing electronics e.g.

No her dad isnt around. I think he may be part of the problem. His behaviour was exactly the same.
He was very inconsistent with contact, and then just stopped.
So i am aware that this will be causing issues, hence the therapy.
But ive been patient, understanding and leniant and i dont think it has done any good.

I agree with the negative mindset. I do try and jump quickly to any positive behaviour.
I will even tell her that ive noticed she has been trying extra hard with her anger and such.

This time...i have. Grounded for 2 weeks. Taken her kindle and cd player. Banned her from the xbox and the pc and bed early every night for the 2 weeks.

Her response was " i dont care - ive loads of books".

It may seem harsh but i dont know what else to do. Nothing works.
She is still at it, even though she is currently grounded. She is still doing the thing tha had her grounded in the first place!

Thanx for the book suggestion. I have it. I bought it a few weeks ago and have tried some of it.

It works on my 3 year old fantastically on disarming tantrums

The problem with such a long period of grounding and taking away privileges is that at 10 it feels like forever, so she might as well keep acting out. Can you let her earn back her privileges with good behaviour and/or extra chores? That way there is a positive incentive for behaving.

My dd (11) also has that attitude about books. If we ever really want to devastate her with a punishment then we must take her books away. She also picks up on disagreements again hours after you think it was resolved, it's very wearing. When she throws a tantrum we will say to her that she has 5 min to rant and rave. If after 5 minutes she chooses to continue, x consequence will happen. She hates being given a time limit but sometimes it works.

My brother was like DontWannaBeObamasElf. My mom just had to look at him and tell him she is very disappointed and he would just about be in (genuine) tears of regret. Doesn't work with my dd unfortunately.

The other thing is, what is happening in your own life? Are you stressed, depressed, anxious? I have some mental health issues and when I'm not well my dd is like a mirror to me. She pushes my buttons relentlessly. It's like she picks up on my mood and maybe feels insecure, then needs to interact with me whether positively or negatively.

That was my initial plan. To make it feel like a grounding. But i see your point and think thats a good idea.
I will make suggestions on chores and ways to work on earning her things back.

As for my mental health. Its ok. My anxiety has been playing up. Im not sleeping too good at the minute and my dd is draining me. It has been every day for the past few weeks she has been picking fights and its obviously taking its toll on me.

I think i may go and speak to the teacher. It might be something to do with school andim just getting the brunt of it

Like a long grounding**

You could actually be describing my son. I did exactly the same as you OP. its very difficult to know what to do for the best.

I just know what worked for me was taking a step back, biting my tongue. Not reacting impulsively to bad behaviour and talking about it when we were both calm.

My son was going to bed most evening in tears or a tantrum and one night in tears he actually said to me "will you help me make my life better". My heart was breaking for him. His dad fucks him about aswell with contact and i know it plays with his emotions and self esteem.

For now i am just trying to show him as much love and affection as possible. Lots of nice chats and cuddles and when i need to discipline its in a calm way that explains why he needs to stop/behave etc. tbh he knows all the rules, he doesnt need someone to explain why he cant throw his stuff down the stairs in bad temper. He knows its not allowed but what he needs is someone to pull the plug on his rage before it gets to that level and to learn how to do that himself. He really is so much happier now and so eager to please me and do little things i ask of him like clearing up dishes or fetching something for his brother which he never would do before (jealousy was a big factor)

I agree with the mental health issue too. I have depression and when i am low the whole house seems to fall into chaos and argu8ing.

Thank you. It is good to hear there can and will be light at the end of the tunnel.
Hopefully my literally ignoring the bad behaviour and speaking to her calmly other times will gradually pay off.

Yes jealousy is big here too with dd around her 9yo brother mainly. They have the same df, only he was never interested in ds.

When she is in a good mood, she is great and as you say, eager to please. Only that is once in a blue moon.
I know she doesnt want to feel this way all of the time, and i just want to help her be happy.

It really is good to hear that you and your ds have came out at the other end and are happier for it.

Yes ds when he was in good mood was/is lovely but as you say it was once in a blue moon. I think accepting that this a a long game of patience and kindness rather than implementing a technique and never looking back sort if thing. I used to do reward charts then we would get a few good days behaviour and then i'd think "hey we're sorted- i did it" and of course get complacent and he'd revert back. Punishment just made him angry and resentful and i realised that his behaviour was nothing to do with whats for dinner or wanting to watch a certain programme or not wanting to put his washing away. I realised there was an underlying issue and until we addressed that it would continue to manifest itself in bad behaviour. In my son's case i think low self esteem was the key factor. Created by a number of things, his dad, sibling jealousy (my fault) a teacher last year who just decided he was a bad'un and me in the way i was treating him. I was expecting more than he was capable of and not realising how much he was hurting. I was setting targets he wasnt ready to meet and i wasnt talking to him about how he felt. Just always shouting.

Now, we read together at night (he previously always read to himself from about age 5) we chat, he trusts me now to do what i say i will when i promise no shouting. I have also taken over the responsibility of him asking his dad if he can do stuff. He was always afraid to ask as dad would say no and ds was missing out on his drama and sports. So i told him not to worry about asking any more, if he wanted to do something then i would tell his dad it was happening. I know this is frowned upon and yes i am dictating to his dad what will happen on his weekends but tbh my son's confidence and wellbeing stacks way higher on my priorities than a lazy shit who opts in and out of his life. Consistency is important for a sense of security and i'm making sure ds has it at least in his social/extra curricular life even if his dad isnt going to be consistent.

Thank you for sharing that. The self esteem thing struck me, as i have noticed my dd is low in confidence and worries an awful lot about what others think.

I have had talks with her about this, in a round about way. Trying to build her confidence.
I have noticed that some days she seems full of it, and others it seems non existent.

It does seem to be improving. Thankfully.
I think her sats are stressing her out at the minute also and she seems to be getting frustrated at me being frustrated at how her behaviour is. I really dont think she can help speaking to me like shit. It just annoys me how everyone else she speaks to as though butter wouldnt melt. Apart from siblings.

I am definitely going to keep up with this walking away as i know when i bite back it just escalates the whole thing.

I am pleased you got there with your son. Hopefully i can come back on in a few months saying the same!

I hope you can too Op. i am by no means sorted with DS but it is massively improved in the last six months. I am sure we will have relapses and have to rewind a bit.

I noticed recently a real change in my son's confidence. There was a moment a few weeks ago where i realised how much he had changed. We were at my best friends house, he is very familiar with her but would never have initiated a conversation with her but suddenly he walked up to her and asked if he could tell her a joke. It sounds silly but i was really emotional about it. He just seemed like a normal happy pleasant child, interacting willingly off his own initiative. A far cry from the boy who kicked me in the stomach and ran away in the school playground infront of all the parents because i told him he had to do homework before playing playstation.

First time I've tried to do a link, so not it may not work, but I've been finding this website really helpful as a different way of thinking about things. Less pressured, less discipline discipline discipline. And ties in with what you are saying about self esteem, understanding etc.
www.ahaparenting.com
If link doesn't work google aha parenting. Annoying name but I really like the theory.