Finding it very hard to deal with 11 year old

[Caro14]

Hi I'm new to MN because I am desperate for advice on how to deal with my 11 year old son. This is going to be long so get comfortable!! Sorry.

We have lived abroad for a long time and 18 months ago moved to a different country where we are now. We are immersed in an extremely cliquey environment where all the fathers/grandfathers/uncles went to the same school that my son is at now. He is very good at rugby but was quickly ousted out of the A team because a few of the parents didn't like it!

He is very academic and again there were parents and children who didn't like it. He then became a victim of bullying - about our Nationality, accent, house, his siblings etc.. His brother also has the same treatment.

Unfortunately he has become the total opposite of how he used to be.

He has always been a shy boy, never wanting the front row seat. He has now become very loud, obnoxious and arrogant. Even his teacher has mentioned that other staff have noticed his bad attitude.

We spent the last 2 months of last year at the school meeting with teachers to sort out the bullying - only to be told that HE is now bullying others!!! Apparently it has been talked about and it seems that those parents who have not accepted us being here are complaining about any behaviour.

He really is a lovely, warm and caring child who gives me a hug and big kiss in front of his friends.

He has become so negative about everything and does not care anymore about his behaviour. If he is in a good mood I find myself doing everything to maintain the cheeriness. If he is a bad mood then his siblings suffer.

I am not dealing with it at all as I end up screaming and shouting at him and, shamefully, try to use words that might scare him out of this behaviour.

We have to be here until June 2017 so I really need to make this work. On top of all of this I don't think I have a single friend here to talk to as they all seem to know each other and I've learnt from my mistakes and will never divulge information again!!

If anybody out there has a friendly word to say I would love to hear it!

Thank you so much Caro

Your ds sounds very frustrated, caused by the situation at school and maybe hormones kicking in. Can you talk to him about the bad behaviour when he is in a good mood, or does he refuse to discuss it? What consequences are there for bad behaviour at home? Is counselling an option, or moving schools? Does he have any friends?

The school shouldn't be dealing with your child on the basis of what other parents views are! I would be speaking to the school about things like places on the rugby team.
Is another school a possibility?
Alot of it does sound like hormones. My 12yo Ds is extremely moody and grumpy ATM.

He has now become very loud, obnoxious and arrogant.

This is a self defense mechanism, same with him turning into the bully - it's not right and it's not acceptable but the reasoning is obvious and hormones won't be helping.

As a result of the bullying (and the rugby coach's implied support of it) he's found himself in a situation of bully or be bullied...not good.

If the situation is as bed as as your OP paints it, then your DS (and probably his brother as well) need to be moved and given a clean start.

Thank you for your responses, and for having the patience to read!!!

LL - I do talk to him and it seems that when things are going well at school that's when he is the most obnoxious. I don't understand it. It's then difficult to diffuse his confidence because at least he's had a good day at school. Bad behaviour results in the removal of electronics which in turn promotes the anger!

Seeline - the school is renowned for being cliquey and bully boy/father based. We cannot move them as a) we need to wait another year - our academic year starts in January and b) my eldest only has another year at the junior school before moving up. It is a wonderful idea though.

Andro - I absolutely agree - I do think that he has seen the other boys who are bullies and thought better to get in there rather be bullied by them. So unfair.

My husband and I are absolutely anti bullying as we were both bullied at school. Me for having divorced parents and my husband for having older parents!! Kids are cruel! We have spoken to the school about it and they say 'boys will be boys' .

I do appreciate all of your comments thank you.

Poor kid. I would also become obnoxious if I excelled at sport and academics and then got victimised.

Can you teach him how to channel his anger in acceptable ways, maybe buy him a punchbag?

How much do you actually know about the dynamics about e.g. his place in the rugby team? Who told you that he was moved because the other parents complained?

Presumably the only person you could have got this story from is either your son or some other disgruntled parent? Or did the rugby coach/school actually tell you that your son was more skilled and better behaved than the others but that they had still moved him from the team?

You see what I'm getting at here? Sports prowess, like acting ability or musicality, is to some extent dependent on the subjective assessment of the coach. They sometimes get it wrong. They are sometimes influenced by things they shouldn't be.

But in my own experience, teenagers can be very quick to assume that if they don't get picked it's because everybody has it in for them. Also, ime, you will also find some other parent whose child has been passed over who is happy to bear out this idea of unfairness.

Of course it is perfectly possible that they were unfair. But even so, the best way for you as a parent to help your son is to show him (calmly and sensible) that getting the hump and acting out is never going to do the job of getting him back where he wants to be.

The school do seem to have a shitty attitude towards bullying in any case. Boys will be boys- well only because you're not doing your job then.

Cory, it was parents and a teacher who told us! The coach is an arsehole and likes to speak to my son in the local language knowing full well that he won't understand properly!! It's all down to the bully boy nature of the school unfortunately. We had dinner with some new friends last night who told us that historically it's always been this way. Unfortunately we had no way of knowing this before joined!

I'm talking to him constantly about different ways about how people act but it's hard to not say 'people can be arseholes just ignore them!'