Our 5 year old boy is becoming a piece of work.

[paula70]

Hi All,

First post on mumsnet, so hope you can help.

We have two boys , 3 and 5 years. And we`re worried about our 5 year old. The 3 year old is a sweetheart,the 5 year old is a very bright child with a strong personality but he is becoming increasingly aggressive around the family, although hes an angel with other people and at his pre-school the teachers love him.

Its basically at the point where if he doesnt get his way he gets so mad, he pretend punches towards your face, or kicks towards your legs. Not making contact though. He screams out and holds his arms out like some kind of hulk monster. He has start a really annoying habit of repeating what you say in a stupid, effeminate way when you talk to him. He does it to both parents and grandparents. He also enjoys annoying his little brother which in turn descends into a fight.
Also, if we take him to any parties he is fine playing with the other kids but if someone gets a little aggressive towards him it ends up in a fight.

Im now at the point where I dont actually like being around my son which is terrible to say. But when hes out of the house and were with our other son its bliss. As soon as he comes home the noise escalates and tempers fray within 5 minutes.

We have taken him to a child psychiatrist about 6 months ago. But they said he was perfectly normal boy. But im concerned if we dont nip it in the bud now hell end up in real trouble later in life. I joke that he`s going to be either an actor, a politician or in prison when he gets older. Which is horrible to say, especially the thought of him being a politician ;-)

I`ve probably painted a horrible picture of my son, when hes good i love him to bits and he has a fun personality but it just feels like we spend most the time with waiting for a monster to come out of a small boys body when things dont go his way.

So any advices would be welcome.
Thanks

What consequences do you have for the inappropriate behaviours and are you/your DP/his DGP consistent?

Does he get enough exercise?

Does he get quality 1-1 time with you/your DP?

Is he hungry and/or tired when he gets home? A well timed snack can work wonders.

As tough as it sounds, you need to stay calm when dealing with him - a highly charged situation really doesn't need any more emotion adding to it. Also, be very sure that you know who the protagonist is in the sibling issues before putting all the blame on the 5yo. You might consider the 3yo to be a sweetheart, your DS1 might well have a very different view of things.

Thanks for the reply.

"What consequences do you have for the inappropriate behaviours and are you/your DP/his DGP consistent?"

It varies, but usually told to sit in the toilet for 5mins and then tell him what hes done wrong. But its usually forgotten as soon as hes out.

"Does he get enough exercise?"

Actually have to say hes coming to the end of summer holidays so he is probably getting restless and not enough exercise. He played in a football team before but that stopped for the holidays. But it starts from the moment he wakes up. This morning for example I woke them up and he just started screaming and repeating what I said to him as soon as he opened his eyes because he didnt want to get up.

"Does he get quality 1-1 time with you/your DP?"

Probably not enough. My husband works from home, I work mornings but we have a childminder during the afternoon. Were around most of the day but there isnt alot of 1-1 time as things are pretty busy. We finished building a house last year and still lots of things to finish off so our time is often doing things for that rather than with the kids. He also plays on the ipad for a few hours a day which Im trying to keep to a minimum, although its purely educational apps nothing aggressive.

"Is he hungry and/or tired when he gets home? A well timed snack can work wonders."

Not generally. He has a snack at the nursery in the morning and comes home not too hungry. Hes always full of energy though, always has been. He was climbing on tables when he was old enough to crawl. Perhaps its the lack of exercise thats coming out in other ways thats not helping.

As for the 3 year old, yes he can be a little terror sometimes and he does instigate the fighting occasionally, but its usually the other way round. He gives as good as he gets and I can show you a few bite marks on my 5 year old to prove it.

Have a look at The Explosive child book.

There are some really effective strategies in there.

I agree with maw. I was at my wits end until the wonderful mums put me into this book. It felt like it was written for my child. Your son doesn't sound as challenged as mine but u wish I had known about the strategies in this book years ago. It's an easy read, sensible and easy to adopt. Ross green write the book.

That sounds tough, I also have a 5 year old and they can behave very strangely at times, mine also does the aggressive scowling/anti-social behaviour when she doesn't get her way, it is charming, not.

One thing that jumped out at me is your comment that he is on the ipad a few hours a day, that does seem like far too much and I am sure that will be effecting his behaviour somewhat.

Also it sounds like even though you and his dad are around everyday you are really too busy to spend any time with the kids, which is fair enough as you have work to get done but that must be a bit confusing for a five year old to understand.

Perhaps the work on the house needs to take place in the evenings a bit more, so that he is not competing for attention all day.

Are you giving him timeout or something. Talking to him about why he does/feel the disruptive stuff?

OP I could have written that (maybe, without the fights with other children as he tends to run from any non-play aggressive behaviour outside of the house). I have been recommended that book and I am trying to get time to go d and read it. I don't have a solution because today has probably been one of our worst days in weeks. But I wanted to show some support and tell you you are not alp eRegarding iPad and equivalent - I really struggle with this because generally when DS1 kicks off it is because he has asked to play on the tablet and we have said no. He can often play for a few hours which I know is too much but at the same time it seems to be what makes him happiest and he is calmest when playing. He has a leap-pad so it is all child friendly but how do other mums handle rationing the time they play on it without having to deal with scream the house down tantrums constantly. When the rest of the day has been a screaming match between siblings I dread that moment he creeps up and asks if he can play because I know if I say no it will be tantrums again.
I should say - today he is banned from playing as he has been so utterly obnoxious. I walked home with him literally headbutting and pummelling me on the arms and legs as I walked. I ignored which was probably wrong and then he turned to screaming his lungs out in the middle of the street. Horrible.

Terrible typing - "you are not alone" not "you alp e"....

Also have 5 yo who likes to get her own way etc. on iPad, it is put out of reach, and very very occasionally I let her play with it for a treat if she has behaved well. Strict 15 minute limit, and she is told that if she makes a fuss when it is time to stop, she will not be allowed to play with it again for a week. I am much less draconian about other things. You need lots of calm, firm, direction for him, spoken in an even tone. Set rules, e.g, we have a 2 time rule for dd, she is asked to do something once. We then ask again telling her that she is on her second chance. If she doesn't comply, she loses a smiley face on her chart. If she complies, is helpful, nice to sister etc etc, she gets extra smiley faces. If she has more than a couple crossed off each week, then she doesn't get to do that week's treat (these usually arise naturally: party, trip to park, play with friends etc). It works most of the time