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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

how do you explain death to a 5 year old?

20 replies

southeastastra · 06/08/2006 11:40

i think i've mucked it up. my rabbit died a while ago and i told my son he would turn into a butterfly. now my son thinks that when you die you turn into an animal and it's worrying him a bit.

i'm sure someone recommended a book on the subject but i can't find it. any help would be appreciated.

OP posts:

Dior · 06/08/2006 11:42

Message withdrawn

lucy5 · 06/08/2006 11:42

It's a difficult one I told dd about heaven when our dog was knocked over . I told her it was up in the sky and a lovely place that once you go you can't come back from. As we live in spain her experience of up in the sky is going in a plane , so she thinks heaven is somewhere near England.

stitch · 06/08/2006 11:45

when you die, you go to heaven.
then once they are older, and you want to introduce the idea of evil, tell them that bad bad bad people go to hell.
why would you tell him the rabbit became a butterfly? very disturbing

Original poster

southeastastra · 06/08/2006 11:47

i don't know it was a one off comment, i didn't think he would think too much about it.

OP posts:

tortoise · 06/08/2006 11:48

I told ds2 that his guinea pig was now a star in the sky.Now he often looks up on a clear starry sky and says theres cookie.

FrannyandZooey · 06/08/2006 11:49

LOL I am sorry I must be turning into cod or something, but why the hell did you tell him it turned into a butterfly? ROFL

lucy5 · 06/08/2006 11:49

I think the butterfly image, is lovely. I'd like to float off somewhere. It's funny which throw away comments kids latch onto though, isn't it?

FrannyandZooey · 06/08/2006 11:50

Oh sorry SEA I see you have already said that

The book we liked was "Goodbye Mousie". It doesn't deal with what happens after death, I think each family have their own beliefs about that, but it deals with the emotions and loss very well.

Eeek · 06/08/2006 11:50

have you got 'Goodbye Mog' by Judith Kerr. Mog dies at the beginning, stays around as a ghost (never actually says that) and eventually goes up to the sun. My 3.5 yo gets it. I got - 'mummy are you going to die'. I was quite proud of 'yes, but not today' as an answer. I think they can understand death quite well if you keep it simple and honest

HTH

FrannyandZooey · 06/08/2006 11:51

"when you die, you go to heaven.
then once they are older, and you want to introduce the idea of evil, tell them that bad bad bad people go to hell."

Blimey stitch do you really tell your children that?

Original poster

southeastastra · 06/08/2006 11:51

i feel really bad now

OP posts:

lucy5 · 06/08/2006 11:51

I remember reading a book as a kid, I can't remember what it was called and it was about a young dying, cancer Ithink and she turned into a moth.

FrannyandZooey · 06/08/2006 11:53

Yes I agree Eeek, if you try to dodge the issue they get more worked up about it. Ds kept asking again and again "Mummy will you die?", until one day I just said yes, I will and sat down and talked with him about it. He was worried what would happen to him, so we talked about people who could look after him if I died. He is fine about it now and often talks about "the circle of life" which is a phrase we used. He also found the idea of new babies being born, as life goes on, very reassuring and hopeful.

FrannyandZooey · 06/08/2006 11:56

SEA don't worry! It is a lovely image as lucy said, and some religions do believe we are reincarnated as animals after death. I don't know what your beliefs are, but if you feel that the spirit goes on, tell him the butterfly was just a story to explain what happens to our spirits, which fly on freely.

Twiglett's not about now, but she used to tell the story with a sock puppet - move the sock around and say "this is you when you're alive". Then lie the sock puppet down. "This is your body when you are dead." Take hand from sock and make your hand dance away. "Your body is left behind but your spirit goes on."

Littlefish · 06/08/2006 11:57

If someone close to you has died, a really good book is "badger's parting gifts". It's all about remembering someone in a positive way because of all the happy memories you have of them.

Original poster

southeastastra · 06/08/2006 11:59

oh the sock thing is lovely, perhaps i'll do that now. but he'll probably worry where the spirit goes.

OP posts:

pecka · 06/08/2006 12:02

We have a book called Always and Forever.

Its nice - its about an old fox that gets very old and tired and dies.

The story is about how his friends are very very sad and find it hard to go on without him but then they realise by remembering, laughing and talking about him it doesnt feel as if he has gone very far at all.

Original poster

southeastastra · 06/08/2006 12:06

thanks, i'll check out those books!

OP posts:

Littlefish · 06/08/2006 12:10

Pecka - your book sounds quite similar to Badger's parting gifts (I'll have to get a copy). Books are such a great way to help children understand these sorts of ideas.

Elibean · 06/08/2006 13:34

dd is a bigtime 'need to understand' child, even at 2.7, so glad to have some books to think about for the future...

SEA, I like Franny's suggestion of just explaining the butterfly was a way of describing a spirit leaving a body...if thats what you believe...its a lovely image, just needs updating for an older child maybe!

TBH, I think telling a child that bad people go to hell is far more disturbing than a butterfly, anyday.

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