What do you do when they really won't cooperate? (3 yo)

[Jess03]

Dd is 3 and 3 months. She looooves Disney films, and quite often doesn't want to leave in the morning for nursery. We have to start work so she has to be at nursery for 8, but this morning and other mornings we've had up to an hour of tantrums before we've carried her out the door. We put her in her bedroom to calm down, but that didn't work. Counting and saying we'll take the DVDs away doesn't get her out the door and makes her sad. Any ideas?

Have you considered a reward in the car? If she's in before you count to ten she can take xxx with her or listen to a new CD on the way? She's probably just about old enough to earn a start for every good day and a small reward when she has five stars. Positive works better than negative behaviour management.

Have you explored why she doesn't want to go? Is she unhappy there or is there a particular thing that they could change to help her?

Is she watching these before you need to leave? If so, simplest solution is no TV before nursery.

If not, make it a game. Make things a race, can you do this before I count to 5 (but count really slowly, let her just make it), explain exactly what you doing and when you're doing it - then there's no sudden changes etc…

Also, she's 3. You get this with 3 year olds, they mostly grow out of it.

Oh and don't let it go on for an hour.

Give her a warning at five minutes, offer the reward at two minutes and pick her up and put her in the car at zero. No messing or negotiating at that point.

Mines similar about Disney. We have compromised on one Zou cartoon every morning. It's ten mins. We also get in the car now pretending its a rocket ship. She's captain. Checks everyone's locked in, countdown, take off!!! It's working for now.....

I've also drawn a pic of the clock at the time we leave so when they match we go.

When all else fails I shout LOUD. I have also been known to bundle her in regardless. I don't like it but no way would I argue for an hour. That's so demoralising for everyone.

No TV in the mornings would seem a good idea here.

I wouldn't stand for a tantrum, just put her in the car, take her shoes and coat with you separately if needs be and just get out of the door.

She is three, you need to grow a spine here and stop letting her dictate.

Yes it's the films before nursery - she loves her nursery, once we get there she's happy she'd just rather stay and watch. So I'll get a star chart, earning points to a reward is a good idea, thanks. Also will cut it off after 5 mins. Maybe we need some sort of timer so she can see when she's watched 10 mins of films she has to go?

Yes the problem with the bundling is she's pretty strong and it is horrible having to force them into their car seats. Yes dh often says that I'm the weak link which is a great start to the day for us all :) I'll try the reward stars and timings and if it doesn't work no tv before nursery.

Why are you so reluctant to stop the films before nursery? It would be better for her to watch one episode of something shorter so that the program she is watching has ended when it is time to turn off and go. I think I would be pretty annoyed at being dragged from a film halfway through!

You really aren't doing her any favours by letting her rule the roost like this, or yourself because she will only get more stubborn as she gets older.

I feel guilty for the amount of time she does at nursery, 4 days/week and she loves the films so much, she wouldn't want the alternative (although I suppose if no other option after a while she might). But I can see your point about being in charge, thanks for your help!

Jess03 I thought you just mentioned the films because you were threatening to take the DVDs away. I didn't realise she was watching them every morning.

I think your life would be a lot easier if she simply didn't watch the films in the mornings. By putting them on you are offering her a really enormous reason to want to stay at home and then having to fight to make her leave them.

I have learned the hard way that if I want to get out of the house without a fuss any screens have to be switched off a long time before that. They just don't go on before school in our house ever.

You need to separate the films from leaving the house. Either the films go off at a certain time which is well before the time you need to leave or you need to not have them on at all.

By making the time you leave also the time she has to stop watching you're making your life a lot harder than it has to be. Rethink your morning routine so that the films aren't on at the end of it.

That's a good point, thanks Goldmandra. She generally doesn't want to leave some days but actually the idea of separating the tv watching from the leaving is a good one. Thanks I really appreciate the help, don't want a repeat of this morning's escapades!

I should also say, there's a general issue we have with getting her to do anything she doesn't want to do! So it was about the films but also just general. When I pick her up from nursery, then she doesn't want to leave, or walk down the hill. All ages have their challenges I suppose!

All ages have their challenges I suppose!

Oh yes! You have such delights ahead of you

At this age transitions are often hard. I've had many childminding charges refusing to leave my house and it's nothing to do with their parents. It's because the transition is sprung upon them.

I have asked parents on occasion to give me a five minute warning of their arrival so I can give the child a count down. That really helped.

The more you can introduce warnings (which incorporate times your DD can relate) to the better.

It does get better

Thanks that's also a good tip about warnings Goldmandra - earlier she'd start to expect me as soon as the first parent turned up, whereas I'm one of the last so from her perspective it must be hard to know what's going on. Really useful thread, thanks! I might mention to nursery to warm her as I nearly always get there at 415