I'm seriously thinking about more 1950's style parenting. Comments please?

[clumsymum]

We have a very lively, personable, boisterous bright little boy of nearly 7, who is also cheeky to the point of being rude, and VERY controlling.

For the last 3 years we have tried to stick to the Tanya Byron / Christopher Green etc model as regards discipline and behaviour. Praise the good, use reward charts, try to ignore bad behaviour etc.
But as he gets older feel that I'm floundering. The last two weeks of the school term were horrendous as far as his behaviour was concerned, and altho' Mon - Wed was OK-ish, from Thursday teatime, he became a bugger, and yesterday morning he shouted at me, threw things at me, slammed doors in my face, the lot.

So late yesterday morning I slapped his bottom for the first time ever, and he spent 30 minutes locked in his room while I ignored him.
The rest of the day his behaviour was much improved, and right thru' to lunchtime today, when he refused to pick up toys. Another spell locked in his room, and he picked up his toys (after a deal of yelling from inside his bedroom, he wasn't allowed out until he had been quiet for 10 minutes, and agreed to do as he was asked). When the toys had been cleared up, he was hugged and praised for it.

Given how many programmes there are concerned with handling 'kids from hell', and the number of parents at school struggling to discipline their children, I am beginning to think that the 'softly softly' approach has come too far, and that an 'old school approach' to discipline might be called for.

BTW, I'm not suggesting regular beatings with a strap or such, but that reasonable punishment for poor behaviour takes on equal importance to praise for the good.

While I don't think that the methods of the 50s were the best, I do feel that the parental confidence was a good thing.

So many of the parents of the 'supernanny' type progras seem to have little or no confidence in their parenting abilities.

sounds like he is tired

bloody hell f-i-s, HE is tired, What about Me???

I know, I know but starting off the week ok and then becoming a wreck by Friday probably follows the pattern of most tired school children!

Cheeky is v annoying though - my dd does it sometimes (only in company in a showing off type way) and it makes me hope the ground will swallow me up because it's so awful!

I don't think being sent to his room is such a drastic punishment though (do you need to lock it or could you reasonably expect him to stay in there till he was calm?). Don't like smacking myself but it doesn't sound like you do either!

the problem with punishments like that is that their effects wear off. you got a result with him today because it was a shock. you might not get one again. 30 mins ignoring is a lot (unless he was in reality just playing anyway). I'm not against punishments per se, but they should be used in a clear and consistent way (and that wasn't really what 1950s parenting was about as far as I can see.) plus the level of punishment is important: time out on the stairs works as well if not better than time out in a bedroom (I don't do the latter, but dh does).

I agree he was probably tired, btw. I'd be looking to make bedtime earlier rather than changing my whole philosophy of parenting.

Personally I don't have any problem with teaching my children that their behaviour has consequences, and in particular poor behaviour has negative consequences.

However I do find it very easy to ignore my children when they are being good (I usually take it as a cue to get on with my own life and be more self-centred). I've found that the various parenting books etc do make me think a bit more about the whole relationship. I will typically respond to poor behaviour very quickly, but I have to work at maintaining the positive reinforcement to good behaviour.

As ever it is all about balance!

Personally I would find other consequences for poor behaviour. For shouting at me, my boys will be sent to their room until they can be civil - that I view as a natural consequence. Failing to tidy their toys means that they lose them (sometimes temporarily, sometimes not).

clumsymum
All children are different, and I really can't see that a 'one prescription fits all' will work. My two are totally unalike in what affects them. Although I'm sure lots of people will disagree, if you have found a solution that works, and doesn't harm your ds, it has to be worth a try.

I'd agree that it may well be overtiredness or something specific at school. Remember that at 7 while he has alot more physical strength (ie to throw things and slam doors) his communication still isn't anywhere near as good as yours, its your responsibility as an adult to find out what is causing the behaviuos which you label 'bad'.

End of school is very difficult for some chlidren, the lack of structure revs them up and means they feel unsure, plus they know that their future (next year) will be different. Maybe he misses friends from school ,maybe he has heard playground runours about next years teacher. Given that you pinpoint the last two weeks of term (and the end of the week) I think its a reasonable bet that he is at the least, very tired by the whole end of term thing, and possibly something is worrying him.

You may find it hard to get his confidence now to talk to you about it, he knows you may hit him and ignore him again so it will take a bit of time.

BTW I also believe there is a place for reasonable discipline for unwanted behaviour. (I am very anti-hitting). But you do need to udnerstand 'why' not just look at the 'what'.

agree with foxy

he sounds knackered

dd1 (6.5) was horrific hell child for the last two weeks of term culminating in her hitting me.

I took the view that she was stressed and tired and have spent the last week pampering her a bit

she is now lovley lovely child again

think you will find that next time you smack it wont be effective tbh

yes agree riab

Hey, I agree with the 'one solution won't fit all' suggestion made below.

I have to lock him in his room, he won't stay in unless locked when he is at his most defiant. He has NEVER abided by the 'naughty step' rule. One problem I have is that I am disabled, and he knows that my ability to manage him physically is limited by this. Believe me, we have done sticker charts and working thru' rewards schemes till I'm blue in the face. I jusdt feel that he has to respect the fact that I am the parent, I decide how he must behave, and I am trying one week of stricter tactics to establish my role, which seems to have become eroded in the eyes of my VERY confident self-assured son.

BTW dh works away a lot of the time, so I have to retain my element of control thru my 'single-parent' weeks.

Oh and yes, some days he is tired and extra grumpy. But I'm not the one making him get up at 5:30 every morning, he does that himself, and won't go back to bed. So how do I deal with that one, eh?

Oh, and Enid, if you think I'm going to PAMPER a child who hits me and slams doors, think again !!!

But how would we like to be treated by our dps if we were clearly not coping very well with life? If you stamped around, slammed doors and refused to tidy up, would you like to be treated with sympathy, asked what was wrong and perhaps given a little extra help with your responsibilities, or would you like to be hit and told to stay away from him until you could behave better?

If we as parents can't model kind and reasonable human behaviour to our children I am not sure where they are going to learn how to be decent adults - not from TV, that's for sure.

Oh and I agree I would ditch all the sticker chart crap. That's no way to treat a bright and confident 7 year old.

Slight hijack but what is the name of that book that is anti sticker chart etc

clumsy, I agree. A spank can work wonders from time to time!

Is he well behaved at school? I have the type of children who are the perfect little angels in nursery and at school, but sometimes need to be angry, shout and slam a few doors at home. I think it's important that children have a safe place to act out aggression.

clumsymum- do you think some of it is that your dh is away? It seems to me that some boys respond better to authoritarian dad from quite an early age, and however authoritarian mum gets it never has quite the same ring about it.

DS2 has gone from cheerful loving laid back would do exactly as told soul to really pushing the boundaries recently (he's 4) and I've found with him that telling him very clearly what I expect, and what the consequences will be if he doesn't do as expected will be beforehand works very well. Also he's very responsive to rewards (he gets a velcro cat) as he's so competitive I think.

Despite pushing at home he is very good in "lesson" type places, nursery, practice days at school, Stagecoach. He seems to thrive and love those places with lots of rules, and boundaries, and his enthusiasm kind of shines through in those sorts of places. He definitely likes boundaries at home too, but they have to be set in advance.

Agree that different children need different things, and different ages.

There is increasing evidence that a 1950s style diet improves behaviour.

and is it worth a read?

clumsymum I know that this is a very sore point with a lot of the mners but I have to say that I agree with you. I'm probably going to get linched for this but as everyone is entitled to their own opinion I would have to say that from what I can see the softly softly approach just doesn't cut it.

How can a 6-7 year old ever feel like they are big enough to hit their own parent? It is shocking behaviour to me as I would never dream at that age of doing such a thing. But that is because I would be punished for doing that, not moddy coddled. You would never catch my mum saying "oh poor dear, she was just tired, I'll ignore her until she has finished behaving like that" HELL NO! I would get a sent to my room, grounded, or smacked. Yes I said it "smacked" and I wouldn't dream of doing the same thing again cos I knew that there were going to be consequences for it.

My dd is 2.5 and the most well behaved two year old you would want to know. Everyone wants to look after her etc and that is because she knows that if she is good she is rewarded but if she is bad she will be punshed somehow. (naughty step etc)

my DP reckons ours is the first generation where we are told what to do by both our parents and our children at the same time!

God I'm not abusing him. I'm putting him in a room full of books and toys, in which he must stay until he will do as he's asked.

I have spent a year trying to understand why the word NO results in major temper tantrums, throwing, and door slamming. I have tried explaining that it isn't acceptable, I have sympathised with him when he's tired, until he now uses the term "I'm Tired" as an excuse for bad behaviour, even when I KNOW he isn't. I have watched "little-sodding-Angels" and "House of Tiny Tearaways" every week, and tried (God I've tried) to apply every rule. I've deiscussed it with dh till we're dizzy.

And do you know what? With my son, those techniques don't work. Sometimes I get better behaviour for a short time, but it always reverts to the "barely manageable". School has problems too, you know.

I actually truly believe he enjoys a good showing-off session. I know he asks me for things sometimes to which I will have to say "no we can't", just so he has an excuse to kick-off.

And F-and-z, would you continue to put up with a partner who was verbally and physically abusive on a frequent basis, without taking action to stop it?