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Original poster

4 month old and controlled crying/self soothe

224 replies

emmak8383 · 17/01/2014 20:32

I call it controlled crying but what we are just trying to do is help our daughter to self soothe. Our daughter is breastfed and has always gone to sleep on the boob. Because of this she is unable to self soothe when she wakes in the night. I am still feeding her during the night but sometimes she has woken an hour later after being fed and we have had to go in to her to get her back to sleep as she obviously doesn't know how to do so herself.
So what we have started now is to soothe her by not picking her up. We rub her belly and shush her. We leave her for a minute or two and then we go back and try again with the belly rub and shushing. Sometimes we do pick her up just in case she needs a burp (even though she has already been burped) and then put her back down to try again.
Let me make it clear that we are not just letting her cry it out till she stops. We are trying to soothe her without picking her up so she doesn't rely on it.
We are just after some thoughts about whether this is too early. A lot of information that we have read says controlled crying should not be done before 6 months or 9 months old.

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Rooners · 19/01/2014 07:30

Trust your baby. I think that works in many situations.

If they are upset, it's never for no reason.

CoteDAzur · 19/01/2014 10:08

"If they are upset, it's never for no reason"

Yes, well, "I want milk because I'm used to 2 AM as a meal time" is a reason, but not a good enough one to keep me going at it for longer than is absolutely necessary, imho. That is the first couple of months. After that, baby is physically capable of going through the night without a feed, and DH and I were perfectly fine with the few nights of crying (while still going to baby & comforting him) it took to change this habit.

There is a middle ground between leaving a baby to cry all alone for hours and giving him the boob whenever he wakes in the night. It is entirely possible to wait for a minute or two when he wakes, to see if he will go back to sleep on his own, then send in the dad check on him to see if there is a real problem, pat/shh, try to put him back to sleep etc.

All imho, of course. I am not at all saying that this is the way that everyone should do things, just that it is the way that worked for our family.

NoisyBrain · 19/01/2014 10:12

Thanks, he WAS an incredible sleeper haha.
Oh I also had the 'Oh, he's napping on the SOFA?' comment from my friend as I happened to show her sleeping DS as we chatted on Skype. Well yes, we like the idea that he'll nap pretty much anywhere not just in a darkened room in his cot. DP was right next to him so it's not like he was going to fall off!

NoisyBrain · 19/01/2014 10:29

Oh and another thing I've just remembered (sorry I'm off on one now lol) is that my friend had never heard of the 4-month sleep regression. Presumably none of hers went through it Hmm It did make me wonder (briefly) if her approach of strict sleep training has its advantages!

CoteDAzur · 19/01/2014 10:47

Well, I didn't know about this so-called "4-month sleep regression" either until I read about it on MN.

We sleep-trained DD when she was exactly 4 months old and that is when she slept through for the first time and continued to sleep through.

DS wasn't sleeping through at 4 months but that was nothing different. We sleep-trained him at 5 months and he has been sleeping through ever since.

Rooners · 19/01/2014 11:01

I didn't experience a sleep regression at 4 months particularly either. I've co slept and BF on demand all three of mine.

I think without knowing why the baby is crying, we can and must always assume that it is crying for a reason significant enough to the baby to make it cry.

That to me is nature and I consider it worthy of respect - especially in a baby as young as 4 months or so. If it's enough to upset the baby I want to do something to stop that.

Just the way I think and feel.

CoteDAzur · 19/01/2014 11:07

I agree, Rooners. We must assume that there might be a significant reason for baby to cry. That is why we go and check it out - is he cold, hot, wet, dirty? Is there a hair wrapped tight around a finger or a limb stuck on the side of the cot? Once these and more are checked, and especially if baby is up at its usual feeding time, then it is reasonable to assume that he is up because he wants a feed.

Rooners · 19/01/2014 11:09

Oh I don't know about that. We cannot see his feelings.

Rooners · 19/01/2014 11:10

Besides which - usual feeding time? Is there one of those? Grin

CoteDAzur · 19/01/2014 11:21

Well, my babies did. One fed around 2 AM & 4 AM. The other preferred 2:30 AM & 5 AM. It's different for each baby, I presume, but they form their habits and settle around more or less the same feeding times. Just like the settle on more or less the same nap times in the day.

Rooners · 19/01/2014 11:23

Oh dear. I just have random babies.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 19/01/2014 11:26

I have random babies too Ronners!!

CoteDAzur · 19/01/2014 11:40

Have your babies never settled to waking up only twice in the night (for feeds)? I find that hard to believe.

And if they did only get up twice in the night (at whatever hour), did you not know that it was for milk that they cried?

Rooners · 19/01/2014 11:50

I've never really been aware of what time it was Cote, as I don't really wake properly myself - I just sort of roll over and attend to whatever it is they are fed up about.

I just meant there has never been a set time.

Mine all settle very very well in my bed, being BF on demand - it's really pretty easy. I get loads of sleep usually - unless one is particularly upset or has tummy ache or is teething etc. It doesn't happen that often, really.

I just love not having to get upright iykwim. That would kill me.

Rooners · 19/01/2014 11:51

I think most nights mine wakes maybe once, for a feed - it doesn't take long. He's just 1yo now. It's been the same for a while.

CoteDAzur · 19/01/2014 11:55

"Just 1 year old" Shock

Without meaning to sound like I'm judging (I'm not, just curious), why are you feeding a 1 year old toddler in the night? Do you think he is not capable of sleeping through the night without a feed? I'm really curious, as have never met anyone co-sleeping with and feeding a 1 year old in the night.

curlew · 19/01/2014 12:00

"I'm really curious, as have never met anyone co-sleeping with and feeding a 1 year old in the night"

I bet you have, you know- they just haven't told you because of the Shock face they would get!

Oh, and 12m being a toddler? Neither of mine "toddled" til about 15m- should I have "walk trained" them?

HoratiaDrelincourt · 19/01/2014 12:00

One of mine still fed in the night at two. It's because bf isn't just milk.

Rooners · 19/01/2014 12:01

It isn't that he wouldn't be capable of it. Maybe he would...I don't know.

He's on the cusp of toddler/baby and he doesn't have an enormous amount of actual food in the day, so therefore he might be hungry in the night - I don't know for sure.

He sometimes doesn't want a feed at night, other times he has several.

The thing is I don't mind. I'm happy to roll with it. He will gradually become less interested in having milk or in seeking my warmth and comfort I imagine (not wanting to sound too twee) but sometimes literally that seems to be what he wants. Just something very familiar to him.

If it helps him and he is happy then I really honestly don't object to it. Just as I don't objectto holding his hand when he is unsure about walking by himself, (which he can do but is a bit nervous about still).

iyswim
It's not a problem. I let ds2 sleep in my bed till he was 5 and he did bf till 4 and a half - but by the time he stopped, it was very infrequent, and he wasn't bothered about it really. Just useful if he was hurt or something.

I'm not judging you either. We all do what comes naturally to us I suppose and it makes my life so much easier to take the line of least resistance Smile while yours is probably the way you want it. As long as people love their children, that is the main thing.

Rooners · 19/01/2014 12:04

Besides which he is lovely and warm and it makes my bed nicer having a baby in it! I use blankets, not a duvet.

atthestrokeoftwelve · 19/01/2014 12:20

"I'm really curious, as have never met anyone co-sleeping with and feeding a 1 year old in the night"

I bet you have, you know- they just haven't told you because of the shock face they would get!

Oh, and 12m being a toddler? Neither of mine "toddled" til about 15m- should I have "walk trained" them?"

Well said Curlew- I know loads of people who were night feeding a 1 year old- including me!! Not something I would necessarily tell people about though.

CoteDAzur · 19/01/2014 13:40

curlew - re "Oh, and 12m being a toddler?"

Yes, that is indeed the definition of a "toddler": a child between the ages of 1 and 3.

CoteDAzur · 19/01/2014 13:44

" it makes my life so much easier to take the line of least resistance Smile "

My DH is like you - drives me mad Smile I'm in the "suffer for a bit so you will suffer never again" camp.

Also, I can't sleep with a wiggly baby in the bed. The few times when DC were ill and we tried, I ended up with feet on my back & face Grin Also, when I wake up in the night, it takes me literally over an hour to get back to sleep. (Yes, I was scarily sleep-deprived when breastfeeding)

Wuxiapian · 19/01/2014 13:50

Why not have baby in bed with you?

CoteDAzur · 19/01/2014 13:56

Fwiw, I really don't know anyone who was (1) breastfeeding 1 year old DC, and (2) co-sleeping with 1 year old DC.

Actually, no, I do know one mum who was co-sleeping with her 2 year old DD and was in tears about it. She had followed 'attachment parenting' and just couldn't take it anymore that her DD was still 'attached' to her - wouldn't go to sleep anywhere but in their bed, incredibly clingy, wouldn't settle with anyone (including her dad) but her.

She gave up on co-sleeping, had several tough nights but her DD now sleeps in her own room. Meanwhile, she recently gave birth to another child and is not following attachment parenting stuff with him. I think she did use the term "rod for my back" Smile

Apart from her, no, I don't know anyone who co-slept with a toddler. Another friend was taking her DD to bed when she woke up every day at the unGodly hour of 5 AM but was awfully down about it. She finally said "no" one day to her DD and never looked back.

It's all about what you can live with, really. If you are happy with DC in your bed for years, then hooray for you. We are happy with DC who happily go to sleep in their own beds and don't rise until 7 AM at the earliest, and we have done what was necessary to achieve this.