Am I getting into bad habits already? 12wk DD - Advice needed!

[clarexbump]

My DD is 12wks old, she is breastfed on demand.

Just wondered if i am getting into bad habits with her already - i am constantly feeding her/rocking her/singing her to sleep for daytime naps (more often that not its feeding her because i can't cope with the screaming!). We also have no bedtime routine, she's very unsettled in the evenings, and usually goes off to sleep somewhere between 9 and 10.

She's a very demanding baby (suffered bad with colic too) which i think is half the reason why - in the early weeks she was constantly held etc. My HV keeps telling me to leave her to cry () but im not prepared to do that.

Anyone else the same? Breastfeeding on demand is difficult anyway (no routine!), but im worried im doing irrepairable damage in the early weeks!

Any suggestions as to how i can gradually teach her to go off on her own? I'm...

a) frustrated with sitting on the sofa all day feeding and
b) my back is killing me constantly pacing the floor with her!

Please Help!

Tell your health visitor to sod off and not to return! Silly cow, yes leave her to cry so she becomes an anxious unhappy baby.
You are doing the very best by reassuring her, she'll be more confident for it in the long run.

I didn't breastfeed so can't advise on that, hopefully someone else will. I do cuddle lots and rock to sleep though (well cuddle to sleep).

Follow your instincts as it sounds like you're doing a wonderful job. You CANNOT spoil a 12 week old, honestly.

Please please please ignore your stupid H.V!

doubt you're doing irreparable damage....
My DS1 was in a routine quite early - was in bed by 7pm at about 8 weeks but with DS2 it all went a bit pear shaped. I suddenly realised that he wasn't in a going to sleep routine when I was trying to make DS1's birthday cake (DS2 was 5m) it was 10.30pm and DS2 was still in his little boucny chair watching me and hearing me swear when the cake went wrong
I was still breastfeeding him to sleep when he was about a year - afternoon and night time.
(he's 3 now - goes off fine on his own )
Have you tried walking her in her pram in the day to get her off?

She's still very young! She wouldn't understand if left to cry. Personally, I find that very cruel in such a tiny baby unless of course sometimes it can't be helped - in our case particularly we have a 3-year-old, too, who sometimes needs emergency attention.

It's impossible to get into 'bad habit's with a 12 week old baby.
Life is chaotic and difficult and the easiest way to deal with it is to surrender to it (only temporarily,before you know it,there will be some order to the chaos.)

I wouldn't leave a baby of this age to cry unless it is for a few minutes while you get on with something else,which sometimes you have to do (and I know,I had a baby who screamed with colic for six hours every night for seven weeks.)

Lie on the bed to feed,or go for walks with the pram if the carrying is hard work.
I bought a little battery operated bouncy chair which was brilliant for short periods.

Remind yourself that by breastfeeding,you are giving her the best possible start in life.Feel proud!!
Get some glossy magazines in,watch crap tv and delegate,delegate,delegate.
My dh used to come to me every morning with a pen and paper,awaaiting instructions as if i were Barbara Cartland and he my private secretary!

I promise you,in a few months,you will soooooo wish that you were sitting and feeding all day,when your dd is running riot like a Dalek on speed.

XX

sympathies. ds was also v bad sleeper with terrible colic it is just awful. vibrating bouncy chair was fantastic, he still naps in it now at 15months, (although it no longer vibrates). also subtitles on tv saved my sanity. it does get better, quite soon if she is 12 weeks i should think.

I think a lot of this is a state of mind

dd3 only goes to sleep in the day in her pram if I push her around a bit first

she is also unsettled in evening at goes to sleep about 9 or 10

I also demand feed and carried her around a lot

But I have no worries and couldn't give a tinkers toss if anyeon thinks I am creating bad habits. she's a lovely happy baby growing well and thats whats important.

If you are HAPPY doing all these things then stuff what anyone else says

(tbh with 2 other children the evenings are nice as its the only time I get her to myself)

She will go off in the pram after 10/15mins screaming, and the car usually works too.

Have no intention of listening to HV - and i tell her so! She just gives me that 'Oh dear, you'll learn..' type look - am sure you know the one i mean!

I'm just envious of all these mums who seem to have a routine cracked, put their babies down awake for naps and get a decent nights sleep!

Guess i just need a bit of reassurance that things will get better By no means do i resent all this hard work, but i think in a few months time i might...! Its my first so i have no idea whats normal - just want to be a good mum lol

dd1 had reflux at this age, and had real trouble getting off to sleep for naps even when pushed around in pram...we let her have a NUK dummy just to get to sleep, and it helped hugely. She wasn't using it anymore by 6 months, and never woke at night for it or anything. Not really advocating it, just telling you what worked for dd!

And agree with everyone else...my lovely HV used to tell me again and again you can't 'spoil' a 12 week old baby, and 'bad habits' are unlearnt so fast at this age they can barely be called habits. True, if dd and the dummy are anything to go by

Clare,you're doiung great.

Well done!

What everyone else said plus if your back is bothering you have you tried a sling? Not a front carrying type with loads of straps but either a ring sling or one of the ones you wrap around ypurself (can't think what they are called) I carried my baby for 12wks then got one and love it, wish I'd had one for the other 2 That way she can be with you and you can carry her around but it's easier on your back.

clarexbump, you are doing great! It IS just a phase and things WILL change and eventually get better. I did not believe that as a first time mum with my non-sleeping dd but just soldiered on whilst others' babies fell asleep from awake and slept through the night. dd is fine now.

Some babies are just more difficult sleepers - it is the luck of the draw. You will never regret being there for your dd .

It's very hard I know, with dd1 we had no let up until she was over 6 months, we did exactly the same as evryone else, and also got quite a few minutes peace from one of those swinging chairs. I also found a sling very helpful, especially for avoiding back and shoulder strain.

Like everyone says, it will be better soon, and far better to feed and cuddle yor baby than put yourself through the anxiety of leaving her to cry.

As a new (or indeed old)mother,you always believe that everyone is so much more under control,but it's not true!

I have a slightly different take on this, but let me just say before you read further that you have to do what is right for you and if you can't listen to your child cry (even for a few minutes) then go with your instincts. It is your child after all. By the way, in answer to your question, I don't think any habits are set this early in a child's life so please don't stress about it - just enjoy the time with your tiny baby!

I let my dd cry a bit from a very young age before sleep and would do the same with another healthy child. (You mention your child has colic - if she as serious colic, this might make this advice may not be applicable to you as she will be in pain. However, if by colic you mean a bit of wind, I'd recommend Infacol before each feed).

Anyways, by a bit of crying, I mean about five minutes or so and then I would go in and shh-shh, but not lift her. She has always been a good sleeper (at night at least) and I think this approach helped, though she may naturally have done this anyways. Like I say above, if you can't do this, then it's not the approach for you.

Daytimes were a different story however and I resorted to long walks with the pram at many nap times. Nice to get out and about if you're up for it. She is now a champion napper and goes down easily day and night (she's almost 2.3).

I have loads of friends who have done and do the same (ie let our kids cry a wee bit before sleep while babies). We're not anti-baby at all. We mostly breastfed, didn't use dummies, and have happy, well loved children.

yes you and I are doing the same things adn this is my third (obviously doesnt make it right though!)

Enjoy her! it goes soooooooo quickly...

Hi Clare,

Sounds like you're doing great to me. My DD1 was very like yours but if it makes you feel better DD2 (17 weeks) is totally different and goes to bed at 7.30pm from 6 weeks etc.I think that all babies are different and with your first you really do have to find your own way - the crying won't last forever but it may seem like it!
I have a ring sling for DD2 and really wish I'd had it first time around - a great investment. This may provide an alternative to feeding her to shut her up and enable you to work out when she is really hungry and when she is grizzling 'cos she is tired or just wants a cuddle. Believe me with my first I did exactly the same as you but with the new one I could tell from birth what she wanted and bf her a lot less after the first couple of weeks.
Good luck.

invest in the book "the no cry sleep solution" by elizabeth pantley. it sounds like it matches your temperment and it is geared towards putting bf babies to sleep. it also explains the neurological development babies go through so you understand why you lo is behaving like she is. you are not doing your baby any harm by responding to her needs.

Thank you everyone, i think i really did just need a bit of reassurance

As regards the ring slings, do you need to invest a lot, or do the cheaper ones on ebay do the trick?

Just what we did so not sure if any of it will be of any help or give you some ideas. I chose a cd (jools holland) and whenever I rocked DS to sleep I would play that CD so he got used to falling asleep to that music - still makes us both yawn now and he's just turned 3yrs. Then moved on to putting him down in his cot and patting his back gently when he was sleepy played the CD at the same time and then moved onto not patting him and played the CD but sat with him and gradually weaned him off needing me around to fall asleep - took a few weeks and only used it during the day as he would fall asleep swaddled resonably easily at night time.

The other thing that I started doing which really made a difference was watching him and put him to bed for a sleep after his 2nd yawn but before his 3rd - if he got to the 3rd yawn he'd gone past it and would be over tired and it would be a real battle.

Good luck, go with your instincts and do what suits you both.

Mine was about £37 from Twinkle on the web. It's a slingeasy but lots of threads on here and reviews on MN on other ones. Secondhand would be fine and all are available on ebay I reckon.
By the way they take a bit of getting used to so keep practising....

My DS was pretty much like that at 12 weeks. At 6 months he was sleeping through 7.45 to 5.30. At 12 months he was sleeping through 7.45 to 7 with a 2 hour daytime nap. At 5 years he is sleeping through 7.30 to 7 and then at weekends will get up, go to the loo and play for an hour without waking me/DH. So not much trouble with bad habits there.

Clare, don't worry, you're doing great. Loving and looking after your baby is not a bad habit. 12 weeks is very early to expect a routine - both mine were much, much older. Dd had colic, it was awful, and you're absolutely right to comfort her as much as she needs. Forget the HV. Ds was very late getting into a proper routine but he's been a handful from day one, so that was no surprise!

Enjoy the time you have to sit down, even though it's frustrating. You'll be looking at the sofa with longing before too long! Also, see the doc about your back and get referred to the physio. You'll need a strong back when your dd starts walking and you spend lots of time hunched over her. You could also try yoga or pilates to strengthen your core muscles and help support your back. I had support from a great NHS phsyio during and after my second preg and now do yoga to try to keep things in place. Helps you chill out too!!!!

Thanks all!

clare- just another tip (my dd is 9 weeks old) to save your back. i sympathise with this as my baby girl is now 13lb. i put her on her changing mat and swoosh her around in like a figure of 8 on the dining table. the swooshing is very nice and womb like, and the motion is rather like being in a pram or rocker or whatever. this calms her down, she zones out and often falls asleep. it's a bit too hot for me to go on long pram walks so this works quite well