Can't get my 4yr old son out our bed and into his own bed!

[Susyb30]

Some advice would be great here! When ds was first born and up till he was 2.5 we stayed in a one bed flat, first of all in his cot beside our bed and then in our bed as this was the only way he would settle.we were never able to put him in his cot to sleep as he would scream and get so upset if he was left in room himself..so I had to go in with him til he fell asleep. Now we'v moved and ds has his own room, all his toys and fav pictures on his wall..New bed and lots of excitement about having his own room! Unfortunately we'v been in our new house now over a year
and twice has he slept in his new bed..both times he was asleep already when he was put into bed! Woke up during night completely traumatized screaming for mummy, so just brought him into our bed. Also im working in a busy restaurant on my feet all day so its so much easier to lift him in with us so we can all get a sleep..when he's with us he sleeps soundly..he's starting school next year and id love to see him happy in his own room and not feeling scared.. (he doesn't really like playing in it either, unless im there) My mother in law wont get off my case, like im a crap mum for not being in control, even my own mum is going on at me! Any advice please? Thanks x

Stop discussing his sleep with either of them and the problem is cured like magic!

I hoping for help here too. We have a similar issue with 3 yo DD. She was fine until she came out of her cot 9 months ago. She hates her room and her bed (according to her).

We are planning on moving things around so the two girls share, but that requires some decorating.

If its not a problem for you then it isn't really a problem is it?

If it is a problem for you try an ELizabeth Pantley book - I found them very gentle.

But I'm a bad person to ask - DS slept with me until he was about 6 then started off in his bed and got in with me around midnight for another year. Then finally went to (and stays in) his own bed now.

It is easy to think this is unusual and uncommin: it's not :)

Do you want him in his own bed? If not, ignore the MIL and DM. If you do then I think some crying and disruption is inevitable.... sorry :( You could try gradual retreat method both at bedtime and when he wakes in the night?

Uncommon

I agree with Kew, go with whatever works for you.

DS was 3 in November, and has only just started going down in his own bed. When he wakes in the night (this is most nights, he will only very occasionally sleep through) he comes in with me. We both then go back to sleep.

Most people I know were shocked/outraged/whatever that he was sleeping in with me. I offered my family members the option of coming to stay for a week or 2 to crack it if it would make them feel better - strangely enough no-one wanted to

my ds was the same totally my fault for always letting him in beside me or hugging him from he was a baby till he fell asleep hes now nearly 3 in his own room and in his own bed all night and has been since he was about 2 and a bit but we had a fight on our hand for about 6 weeks to get him settle so what we did was the first time he got up we took him back to bed and said its bedtime sweetheart and tucked him in if he got up again we said it bedtime and any time after that we didn't speak to him no eye contact either and tucked him in and we kept doing that and eventually he would fall asleep it was very hard going though having to keep getting up as i was pregnant and on crutches and my dp had business trips aswell ect so had to do it myself some night and lots of crying from ds but it was all worth it in the end don't know if this would help? but thought i would share our experience hope you get it sorted out soon and get your bed back to yourself i know what its like xx

As a grandmother I would say don't worry he will do it in his own time if you don't think it's a problem it isn't. My dd would only sleep in our bed, when she was 6 we suggested that she move into room with baby sis to "look after " her this worked.
My dgs, who lives with us and his mum, also refuses to sleep in his own room he never liked moses basket or cot, my dd doesn't see it as a problem unfortunately her ex did. Dgs goes to sleep in his own bed after a story but gets up every night and goes in to dd.
Coincidence or not? last week we bought a throw for dd she always moans she is cold when watching tv, dgs loved it so much wanted to take it to bed. He slept on top of his duvet with the throw on top of him he has now stayed in bed all night for 4 nights with the throw sure it's coincidence but am hoping.

Thanks for comments. .you know what its not really a huge issue, just a bit fed up with remarks made about how he should be in his own room. We all love having family cuddles and giggles and he's a happy little boy. Thats what's important to me..im going to chill out a bit now. Thanks :-) x

Can you fit a bed in his room for you? So you sleep in his room so he gets used to it? Tbh at 4 that's when nightmares etc kick in anyway so might not get a change for a while.

My ds is 4 and I can be found sleeping in his room most nights!! He sleeps in his own bed though.

Really Susy - unless its an issue for you then its really low down in the list of problems to worry about. I had other issues to worry about with DS (separation anxiety) and letting him cry during the night seemed like the exact opposite of what he needed.

I did use gradual withdrawal method and no eye contact and to a degree it does work and if its essential to you he sleeps alone then persevering with that will probably work. In the end I couldn't see why I was making my DS so unhappy for something which didn't concern me too much and told him he could get in with Mummy anytime he needed to. Funnily enough it was the reassurance that he could always get in with me that persuaded him into going to bed in his bed and staying there for a couple of hours in the end.

I also advise if he's going to sleep in your bed that you treat bedtime the same as if he's going to sleep in his - bath, stories, cuddle/music (whatever it is) and off to sleep on his own. It makes the transition back to his bed more familiar when you get to it.

In many other cultures children will sleep with their parents for many years. As they would have in the UK in the past.

Keep an eye on it and pick up any cues he gives out that he might be feeling more secure.

I promise he won't be still sleeping with you when he's 13!

Maybe you could quote this to th egrandparents...

"Research on children and sleep also supports the benefits of co-sleeping. Heron’s 1994 study of middle class English children found children who never slept in their parents bed tended to be harder to control, less happy, exhibited a greater number of tantrums and were more fearful than children who always slept in their parents bed. Lewis and Janda in a 1988 study determined that males who co-slept with their parents between birth and five years of age had significantly higher self-esteem and experienced less guilt and anxiety."

Personally I would just go for nodding, smilimg and saying 'we're sleeping fine thanks' whenever they mention it. They will soon get bored and leave you to it :o

Thanks kewcumber thats made me feel a lot better. .im afraid my mil would never get bored tho, its her way or no way..everything I say is "nonsense". Oh the joys of families!