I have just said something unforgivable to my DC

[AnneWentworth]

I find DS3 challenging. He is 2, he will be 3 early in the new year.

He is spirited and loving and gives lovely hugs and talks all the time and is friendly, but he is really getting me down.

we have two other DSs who are almost 8 and 6. He gets into every single thing you could possibly imagine. We are childproofed (for the first time) then the other day I found him opening a window that even I need to stand on something to get to. I find it impossible to do anything when he is around me because either he is being lovely but attached to me or putting pencils in microwaves (outing myself) so you can't even trust him to go to the loo.

All of this I can just about manage, but he is beginning to have an effect on my relationship with my other DC and on my behaviour towards them.He won't even let me have a conversation with them, if I try to read a story he has to be the one on my lap, he decides when the story is over even if the other two want to hear it. If one is allowed their computer or iPad time he has to be involved and then just turns it off. He won't share anything, like the massive bowl of popcorn tonight. He won't let them watch what they want, he won't let them do their homework. He now won't go to bed without them - which was when we were able to do these things.

He shares a room with DS2, but this is recent, as the older two shared until recently. DS1 has a large bed and they all agreed to have a sleepover in his room tonight. DS3 insisted on a book and DS1 offered to read it. But, he wouldn't let DS2 look at it. Then he kept messing about with the pages, then he took the book and refused to let DS1 finish reading it (he had got into it). DS1 then said he either gave the book back or had to sleep in his own bed. FOr too long we have given into him because he is little/learning etc. DS1 had an outburst where he declared we always make him give everything to his brother - and e is right. I removed DS3 from the bed (with the bloody book) and he was happy in the bunk bed in his own room for a while and I had a chate with DS1 and DS2. DS1 mostly sulked and didnt want to talk and was visiibly upset.

DS3 then came back and insisted he be allowed to sleep in the middle of the bed where DS2 was lying. He was screaming and screaming (he always screams when he wants something) and I shouted at DS2 to let him sleep there and shouted that I was at the end of my tether and that one day soon I was going to walk out of the door and never come back. I was crying like a bloody idiot. DS2 immediately moved, gave me a big hug but was sobbing on my shoulder. I immediately told him and DS1 (as well as DS3 who wasnt listening at all btu just happy he got the spot he wanted), that I was just upset and tired and that of course I would never ever leave them and I loved them all very much.

I just feel so shit. And I have made me kids feel even shitter before bed. I dread my days off with DS3 and where I might get stressed. I feel like I am constantly shouting at the other two almost more that DS3.

He doesnt respond to any kind of sanction or bribery.

Aw thanks oblomov.

Well done! That sounds like real progress. If you can stay calm (or even inwardly laugh) at some of their antics then life is so much easier.

Something else to try (I haven't re-read the thread so not sure its been mentioned) is to give him lots of positive praise whenever you catch him (even unintentionally) behaving as you'd like. Sometimes bad behaviour can just be because DC want attention, so worth a try - also it can make you feel more positive about their behaviour if you notice the good bits too. :)

Sounds like you're doing great, OP! Trying to let the bad behaviour not get to you and let the noisy whingeing and crying wash over you while you tackle the actual issue with firm patience is really hard, but it comes with practice.

One thing to be careful of though. Don't make the mistake of giving him too many chances to stop his unwanted behaviour. Eg at soft play if you see him being rough with another child I would say very firmly "we DON'T hit/push/whatever. It is not nice and you are NOT allowed to do it." If he does it again you can say much more firmly "I have already told you once that we don't do that. If you do it again then we WILL go home." And you HAVE to stick to your guns, it doesn't matter if you've just got a coffee in or whatever or if it's more inconvenient for you to go home then. Once you tell him clearly the consequence of what will happen if he is naughty then he will quickly learn that you mean business EVERY time as long as you carry out the consequence when you say you will. Be stubborn - don't let him win!

And for god's sake, don't do what my friend does and say "I'll count to 3 and if you haven't got your pyjamas on/shoes on/done whatever, then we, er, we won't be going to Alton Towers at the weekend." And then proceed to count 1.....2.......2 and a half.......2 and three quarters........hurry up.....come on, we are late now.....do it for me?."

Ridiculous - the kid is STILL taking ages and you're NOT getting the outcome you want: just count 1, 2, 3 FGS and think of a REASONABLE consequence that will happen almost immediately, not in a few days' time, eg. "you will NOT get any chocolate on the way home" and not one that is way over the top and spoils plans for the rest of the family.

I do get angry when i see a lot of silly useless parenting in action. (Not that I think you are doing anything useless, OP, far from it - those kind of examples just came into my head when thinking about dealing with a challenging child that age.)

You will get there - inwardly hum a tune to help you "switch off" from the screaming of the tantrum so that you portray an outer calm, and you will start to FEEL calmer and more in control of the situation. Try not to think "oh god, here we go again" in a panic as a tantrum starts brewing; instead get your "detached", calm head on and think of how you're going to tackle it. Maybe if you can try and envisage yourself as a professional child care person eg a nanny or nursery nurse just doing their job, rather than as a mother who feels all the emotion of their child's tantrum and how it's affecting the other children?

It will be ok.

That sounds really positive, Anne.

If you can keep your own emotional arousal under control you'll be able to think more logically which is really the key to managing the whole thing.

The more clear you are the better and I think you recognised that giving 'one last chance' isn't a great idea. However you did carry through what you said so he will have learned from the consequences on that occasion.

Curly is right about keeping the boundaries clear. If you say that, if they do something, x will happen, x needs to happen at that time. If you count to five but eek out the last couple of numbers with halves and quarters they don't know how far they can push it and still not cross the boundary.

If you give a child very clear boundaries, they can make a decision about whether to cross them or not. Sometimes they will choose to cross them and take the consequences. Sometimes they will push it to close to the limit and then choose to back down.

The problem comes when they aren't sure where the limit is. If that happens they can think they are just pushing, intending to back down and, WHAM, they suddenly find they've crossed the boundary and the consequence hits them. That's when the meltdown happens.

Clearer boundaries allow children to understand and predict what is going to happen next and that helps the to feel safer and to manage their own behaviour.

So, no matter how much you don't want him to miss out, my advice is no more last chances. If you can implement that, he will know where he stands and will miss out less in the long run.

Hi OP. Sorry I haven't read all the messages, there are too many, but I too have a challenging just-turned 3 and these are some things I tried / do:

• lock him in his room! Yes we have an extra tall safety gate to keep him in when he's naughty, a more effective naughty step as he won't stay still on the step
• count to 3 and then he gets it (it being the room or similiar thing)
• practice your angry face. I say, I'm going to count to 3 and then I'll get angry (this also helps me stay calm)

These things all help. What has helped a lot, more possibly, is the fact that now he's turned 3 he's gone to the pre-school room at nursery, so is now a big pre-school boy, so we go on a lot about being a big boy now and how impt pre-schoolers are, how he can behave nicely as he's 3 now. So I hope that will help you too. He is our elder DC though so may not be convincing if your elder 2 are listening!

Also we all say mean things and I'm sure the kids know you don't mean it.