my son is little Lord Fauntleroy :( - Help!!!

[monkey]

My dear son who is 4.5 seems to have turned, slowly but surely, into little Lord Fauntleroy.
Nothing is right for him.
He complains about everything
I don't like this/I don't want to walk / I want I want I want.
He seems to have erased the words please & thank you from his brain.
He seems to be constantly grasping & never content or satisfied or grateful. It's really getting me down.

Short of locking him in a cupboard with nothing but bread and water for the next 20 years, how can I foster a more positive and contented outlook in him?
Is this an age thing & a phase (please God, say it is) or does he have an appalling personality trait?

What's the best way to react to a complaint/grumble/whinge?

Monkey I thought you meant he had started dressing in little black velvet suits with ruffled shirts from the title of this thread lol!

Maybe things will improve when he goes to school?

I think that its premature teenager syndrome. All mine have suffered from it at some time or another. I try not to respond to any requests that don't have the word please in them, take loads of deep breaths and just try and get thru it. It is a phase, but it will come back too!!
There is nothing more dispiriting than a child who is behaving like this, it makes you feel that you are a crap mum, and that your child is going to be a curse on society as they grow older, it won't happen, the influence that you have on them for good will win thru, but it may take 20 years before he stops havign these spells

cd - he doesn't start school for 2.5 years - I'll have killed him by then.
lilibet - I do now completely ingnore any requests that don't have please attached, but the thank you is harder. i hate having to remind him. he usd to be so well mannered.

We have had a very bad day.
I've been unwell 7 neighbour has offered to look after them (ds 1 & 2) & when she brought them back she said he'd been really rude, wouldn't eat the lunch she kindly made, was shouting at her when she didn't understand him (she speaks good English but doesn't understand everything) I am ashamed of his behaviour so much atm

I'm sure it is just a phase, monkey! (LOL at CD's velvet suit!)

Without knowing exactly how things are ATM, is it possible that with him being the big one (he is the eldest, isn't he?) you might have been expecting him to be much more grown-up and self-sufficient now that the baby has arrived, and that this is his response? Only I know that when DD2 was born, DD1 (who was all of 3) seemed incredibly old and sensible and I subsequently realised that I was expecting far too much of her, poor lamb.

How was he on your visit home? Was he like this then, or has it happened since you got back? There is usually some kind of trigger for this kind of personality change although it can be so hard to spot it.

It's a bit ironic that you've posted this now as I did the manners survey this afternoon (have you done it too?) and I spent ages swithering over the "what age for good manners?" question - obviously, as others have said, it is a badly designed survey and different manners come at different ages, but I finally went for 7 IIRC as a sort of average...he is still very little and really doesn't realise how his behaviour seems to an adult.

Could you try letting the rudenesses go but giving him lots of attention when he isn't rude...and maybe still responding to his requests that lack a please, but with some sort of jokey remark like it's a good job you're not as rude as him or you would have to ignore him and wouldn't he be disappointed then? It's really hard to know how to deal with it, especially when you have 3 little ones and probably don't feel like making any effort at all for him, but it might be worth a try?

Lots of sympathy anyway, but I'm pretty sure he will have remembered his manners before long!

PS I have thought for years that saying please and thankyou must seem incredibly pointless to tinies - they are only words - it probably seems to them almost as silly as putting "elephant" or "grapefruit" at the end of a request would be. IYSWIM!

thanks janh. It's not just the p's&q's but the worst is the incessant moaning. I can't bear it. your sweet to remember all the details.
In UK he was spoilt absolutely rotten (as were they all) by family, both in therms of obscene amounts of presies & attention. it is always harder coming home for them & me, but this has made it worse, not created the prob.

I suppose it is worth considering that it's a reaction to the baby, i hadn't thought of that.
Haven't seen the manners survey, not much time for computers when you're sick & have 3 kids craving attention!

Monkey, my sympathies. Ours was just like this until about two weeks ago and then he quite suddenly grew out of it and reverted to the nice little guy he was before - although a noticeable general growing-up has also occurred. Ours is also 4.5 (just over that in fact) and also coping with the arrival of a new baby.
I really do think it is a phase. Ours lasted about six months...off and on.
We didn't make an issue of the whingeing (just ignored it, as we found teasing him about it or telling him off made it worse) but the rudeness I have to say we came down hard on. I was mortified to hear of him being cheeky to the dinner ladies, for example, and he used to scowl and ignore his grandparents when they visited.
When I say "came down hard", I mean explaining why that behaviour was unacceptable and sending him into another room until he admitted it was not on to be rude to other people, and apologised if the recipient was still around. Then we kissed and made up. And we did also acknowledge good behaviour appreciatively, sometimes with an unexpected treat like chocolate or a family lunch out.
Hope you feel better soon.