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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My child is a thief and a liar.

89 replies

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 15:10

He is 8. Since reception he has helped himself to food (cooking chocolate, snacks, sweets that may or usually have not been bought for him, my slimfast bars ffs.) I got sick of this so have been hiding the snacks in my room. Today dh went to get the sweets I had allowed the children to buy the other day. Half of ds1's bag was missing. DS1 said he hid them under the tv cabinet and it ripped open when he took them out. This doesn't make sense but is irrelevant. DS2 (the taker) said he hadn't taken any and DS1 said he hadn't had any. We weighed the bag half were missing. Eventually DS2 admitted to taking one then admitted to taking all of the missing ones.

Why would I take what isn't mine he always asks.

My kids do not have a lot of sweets but they get treats aplenty so no need for him to steal. He gets well fed. He says he doesn't know why he takes things and promises he won't again. And he does.

This is not any argument about how it is his house and he shouldn't have to ask to have a food and how you let your children help themselves. This is about a child taking someone elses sweets and then lying about it.

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cranberryorange · 03/11/2013 15:15

Is it only food that he steals and does he eat everything he takes?

Original poster

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 15:19

Yes, as far as we know. It is only treat stuff. He doesn't help himself to bananas or yogurt for instance.

OP posts:

MostWicked · 03/11/2013 15:22

Calling your 8yr old a thief and a liar is quite a big label.
I wonder if this has become almost a habit. A bit of a game where you hide things and he finds them. Then he gets lots of attention (albeit negative) when he is discovered.
I think I would stop buying sweets to keep in. By all means buy them, but only to be consumed that day, so none are left around as temptation.
At 8, he lacks self control, so when he promises not to do it, he probably means every word, but then struggles to stick to it.

SconeForAStroll · 03/11/2013 15:23

Right ok. I did this, and it was right at the start of a massive mental health downward spiral. I was 12. By 14 I was properly bulimic and the stealing went on I am afraid.

Along with other kinds of self harm.

I am not trying to scare you but if, if it is the same for your ds I would be off to the doctor bloody quick smart and asking for CBT.

Original poster

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 15:29

He doesn't hide things, he takes food and eats it. I realise it is harsh but he is eight and has been doing it for years. What do you think I should say?

Scone - I have been worried he has some kind of food issue where he can't control his need to eat but I don't think he has.

Just before my second post he said he was hungry so I said there was a banana he could have. He walked off so don't know if he has. He rejects fruit between meals sometimes so I say he isn't hungry then and then he tells me milk isn't a food when I offer a cup of milk if hungry.

He is here and has had his banana. He has also apologised to his brother for taking his sweets.

OP posts:

cranberryorange · 03/11/2013 15:30

My DD2 used to do this and blatantly lie even though the wrappers would be crammed down the side of her bed.

She had a very unhealthy relationship with food that as an adult she has only just got under control.

I'm not 100% sure what triggered it but i'm sure my divorce didnt help and it exacerbated the issue.

Scone has told you her own story which unfortunately is very similar to DDs. It might be a coincidence but the similarities might mean its a warning for you to ask for help rather than labelling him a liar and thief.

He may be a little boy showing signs of distress or he might just be a little sod which i think is unlikely if its just food he takes.

MisForMumNotMaid · 03/11/2013 15:30

Don't all children go through a phase of sneaking stuff?

You're obviously very disappointed in him and want him to learn. How did your DS1 take it? Sometimes peer group punishment is the hardest.

My favourite punishment (if that doesn't sound a bit sick) is the sit down calmly all agree that the behaviour has happened (he's done that bit) and get them to come up with a series of appropriate sanctions for them self whilst they're in throws of remorse. I can appear generous by actually reducing their self imposed punishment when they over do it.

SconeForAStroll · 03/11/2013 15:36

The trouble is the lack of logic. I never ate my sandwiches in my packed lunch, I used to hide them under my bed, behind books in bookshelves etc. it isn't about hunger.

Hands up, I still have a bloody awful relationship with food. I did have CBT and it stopped the vomiting (which is the dangerous bit) but not the binging. I still binge although not as badly as I once used to.

I sometimes wonder if it is a chemical thing - the sugar fat combination can produce a high in some people so I understand, a little like the chemical high from smoking/drinking. Fruit is about as useful as a chocolate teapot in that regard - it won't fill the gap.

Original poster

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 15:37

Am I wrong to think that he shouldn't do this? I have asked him why he doesn't to try and help and he says he doesn't know. I have said most of the time he could be allowed to have these items when he asked for them, there is no need to lie but it goes in one ear and straight out.

DH would not entertain that there is a reason ds2 does this that means he can't help it but as seen on my other thread I follow my own feelings. Having said that, if ds2 doesn't know why he takes these chocolate and sweet things how do I help him?

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Original poster

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 15:39

I reminded him to ask of he wants something. He said he does and I say no!

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cranberryorange · 03/11/2013 15:44

If he is telling you he doesnt know why he does it then i would believe him and try and work out a plan together whenever the urge grabs him.

Not many children would continuously get themselves in a heap of trouble and singled out at home if they didnt have to, over the same thing.

Listen to him and change your approach to a more team like front against it just incase it is a problem for him rather than him being the problem.

My DD slid the contents of her sisters advent calendar out and sealed it back up then denied, denied and denied some more that she had done it. I didnt offer to help her, i yelled a lot which achieved nothing other than made her more careful when she stole food

Original poster

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 16:07

I just feel like my whole parenting has been shit. I have done it all wrong and I don't say that so that you will say I haven't. I say it as I know it is true. My kids barely get on, don't do as DH and I ask, have no idea of the value of money, refuse to help in the house or often do it with bad grace and DH and I are constantly nagging over the same stuff. I just wish I could start again or run away

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Brucietheshark · 03/11/2013 16:14

Y'know they sound pretty normal to me tbh!

cranberryorange · 03/11/2013 16:17

You are being far too hard on yourself toffee.

Kids dont come with a manual unfortunately and just when you think you have got things sussed with one of them the other Dc do something random and the same sanction doesnt work for them

I tell everyone i chose to have 4 Dc because i was determined to get parenthood right with at least one of them.......

I'm still trying to perfect this parenting lark 23 years later

SconeForAStroll · 03/11/2013 16:18

Without any soft soaping (and I am sure you aren't a shit parent) you can change your reactions and style any day you choose.

That book How to talk so children listen is a good one, but I am big on hugs and quiet conversations. Take your ds and explain that you aren't cross but worried. He is probably worried too.

Siblings don't always get on and that is ok. Look at the things that matter to you and concentrate on them one at a time. One small change and make it last until it is a habit.

It will be ok. Really. But don't let your ds (or your dh) try to sweep it under the carpet. Talk talk talk. And hug. And I really would talk to the gp.

Bluecarrot · 03/11/2013 16:25

My dd has been doing this for years too. Ive posted before that she will eat full tubs of icing (rolled fondant, betty crocker buttercream etc) as well as chocolate etc. I have no solutions, but am just putting my hand up and saying you arent alone in this! Im reading the how to talk so kids will listen book atm and already noticing a change in general behaviour.

SconeForAStroll · 03/11/2013 16:37

Bluecarrot, haven't seen your previous posts. Mine is blocks of marzipan. How I am not diabetic is anyone's guess.

Has your dd been to the gp?

Original poster

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 16:40

I will dig out the book and try again to read it. TBH I found it hard to get it in the past as it felt all false. I know it is me that needs to change but I don't know how. I feel trapped in my life at the moment and constantly beat myself up that I can't get out of it and sort myself out.

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Original poster

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 17:04

He is now saying he always has to own up to stuff he hasn't done. He said he only took 1 and not half the bag and I made him own up to taking all.

Separately I am sick of not being able to make a decision regarding the kids in case it is wrong and I am sure this is linked to being a soft touch and giving them too many choices. DS1 has benefitted from DD being ill and me being so relieved it wasn't meningitis.

OP posts:

MostWicked · 03/11/2013 18:42

Why don't you book yourself on a parenting course. It might give you the reassurance and confidence boost you need to be more consistent and fair as a parent.

Original poster

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 18:45

I am going to do that. Enough is enough. Could you recommend one please? If not, I will start a thread in parenting asking others.

OP posts:

babybarrister · 03/11/2013 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cranberryorange · 03/11/2013 18:56

I would ask your G.P Toffee, they should be able to signpost you to somewhere suitable.

I wish i had got help earlier.

Original poster

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 19:04

okay, thank you.

OP posts:

MostWicked · 03/11/2013 21:03

It depends on the area you live in. You should have a family support services or even ask at your local children's centre. They should be able to point you in the right direction.

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