My child is a thief and a liar.

[toffeesponge]

He is 8. Since reception he has helped himself to food (cooking chocolate, snacks, sweets that may or usually have not been bought for him, my slimfast bars ffs.) I got sick of this so have been hiding the snacks in my room. Today dh went to get the sweets I had allowed the children to buy the other day. Half of ds1's bag was missing. DS1 said he hid them under the tv cabinet and it ripped open when he took them out. This doesn't make sense but is irrelevant. DS2 (the taker) said he hadn't taken any and DS1 said he hadn't had any. We weighed the bag half were missing. Eventually DS2 admitted to taking one then admitted to taking all of the missing ones.

Why would I take what isn't mine he always asks.

My kids do not have a lot of sweets but they get treats aplenty so no need for him to steal. He gets well fed. He says he doesn't know why he takes things and promises he won't again. And he does.

This is not any argument about how it is his house and he shouldn't have to ask to have a food and how you let your children help themselves. This is about a child taking someone elses sweets and then lying about it.

I don't know, he never ate the fondant icing again, and he has no more than 1 snack a day now, his own doing, not mine

Maybe eating half a packet of fondant icing is one of those things in life that's good to try once but doesn't necessarily need repeating ?
I think either me or DSis ate a packet of butter during infancy but again didn't make a habit of it!

DS2 just gave me the biggest cuddle as he is so excited to be having sausages for tea. His eyes really will pop out of his head when he sees the sparklers in his muffins if he is this excited about sausages!

I have often thought I had food issues because of X but actually reading more and more of your posts I am beginning to think I really was damaged as a kid in terms of food. Bummer.

scone I did that with my lunches too, never known anyone else who did it, still feel confused 25yrs later about why I did!

Ahh, sounds like you have a lovely tea lined up for them tonight toffee - lucky DC

• BTW think I've rarely seen an OP listen and take things on board as much as on this thread.

Asking for advice and acting on it ? Surely it doesn't normally work like that ?!

toffeesponge, you sound like a really thoughtful person who is very keen to listen and admit a need for change. But don't forget that mn-ers aren't perfect people who know everything.

I think you lack confidence. You said something upthread about "worrying about what mn-ers think". In my very humble opinion there may be some competitive strictness on here, some exaggeration about what they will and will not put up with, some posters looking for an opportunity to boast about how "x is completely unacceptable in my house" and "if my dc did y he would be locked in his bedroom for a week". I think you need to find your own way as a family, with professional help like a parenting course if you want / need it, but don't live your life in terror of the judgeypants on here.

I am trying to be less uptight. Some thinks really bother me but I need to think ^in two years time will I even remember this?>. I use this quite a lot when I am worried or scared about things. I remind myself I have been through worse and that whatever it is will soon be over.

I also want to go back to trying to say yes as much as possible instead of no. I started tonight but reading DS2 a bedtime story when he asked me too. Every time I do I enjoy it and think why do I not do this more? Usually because he is going to bed when I am having dinner or cooking it and it is all happening at once.

I ask for help lots. I am always willing to listen but sometimes when you feel like you have tried to do the right thing for the right reason and you are still criticised it can be hard to take.

I know I love my children and no one has dedicated as much of their lives to my kids as I have but I have to accept I can't fix what was wrong with my childhood by doing things with theirs. I don't have to give them everything because I had nothing. Just something is enough.

things, not thinks.

Hope you had a fun bonfire night toffee - did you see any fireworks ?
We went in the garden and enjoyed a private view of our neighbours fireworks which were great!
If you can give your DC a better childhood than you had yourself you're doing very well I think.
Mine was OK and I hope my DC will feel there's was too.

DH brought some fireworks and sparklers home so the kids enjoyed those and I had put a sparkler in the muffin too.

I have discovered today DS2 seems to have been helping himself to some 100's and 1000's balls. I didn't get cross, I just put the lid back on properly and moved them to the other side and I won't say anything to him. I am just making him his favourite tea - lasagne - for tonight so I hope he enjoys it. He has been asking for weeks for me to make it but never when I was writing the shopping list so I kept forgetting.

I think you've been remarkably open to people's (very good) advice on this thread - serious kudos to you, toffee.

Just wanted to add that I went through a stealing phase when I was about 10. Nothing was wrong - lovely parents, happy life. I just wanted things very, very badly and didn't have enough self-control to not do it. I almost went into another mental state when I did it, it wasn't really 'me', which is probably the state most children get into and why they can swear blind they didn't do it even in the face of all evidence.

And I stole. I properly stole. Food. Coins from my dad's change bowl. Bath pearls from The Body Shop. A packet of crisps from a friend at school (of of all the things I took that could have had serious longterm effects, no-one likes a stealer). And (this almost sounds like a joke) a silver snuff box from a vicar.

When my mum confronted me about it I denied twice then burst into tears, I was so horrified that I'd taken it but as much that I'd been caught. Mum returned the snuff box, made me write a letter of apology and rather than screaming at me, hugged me and asked if anything was wrong. That kindness stopped me in my tracks and I never stole again.

I look back on it now and I can hardly believe it. I was a very honest, honourable child, quite bookish. I was on the cusp of adolescence, about to go to a new school blah blah blah but basically I did it because I could.

But I wanted to be clear: my parents did not cause my stealing. they were excellent parents, and their gentle reaction shamed me and allowed me to move on.

I am a very honest and honourable adult and I certainly don't steal

Don't blame this on yourself, keeping reminding him gently that stealing isn't nice, and just as you say, think 'will I even remember in 2 years'.

I really wish I had had this thread previously. When I found he had helped himself again I just felt it was fine, normal and I didn't get angry or upset. I had found it not closed the other day and asked him if he had taken it and he said no and I just fit the lid on properly and can't remember if I said anything. He is at school so doesn't know I have found it opened slightly again and I wont be mentioning it when he comes home.

I think that's good toffee - it's so tricky to make all these judgements as parents isn't it ?
Glad you had a good bonfire night too